It hit me when I was sitting on the train on my way home from work one day. I had been staring thoughtlessly at the ground when a tiny gem of a thought had flittered in from nowhere and sparked off a self-realisation that was hard to put down.
There is a point in any situation where you are able to make the ultimate decision over what your reaction or response is going to be when presented with any given information or a developing situation. Its the briefest moment of chance where the situation can go either way, and you have the power to determine what the general outcome of that situation will be.
In that moment on the train, with the carriage gently rocking me deeper into my reverie, and the late afternoon sun streaming into the windows causing those opposite me to squint their eyes from the glare, I finally understood myself just a little bit more than I had done before.
It occured to me that the majority of the time where I'm afforded the opportunity in choosing how it is that Im going to react, I fail to make the correct choice, even though I have recognised that window of opportunity. There have been countless times where I could have put a good spin on a bad situation. Where I could have stopped myself from reacting negatively, thereby not allowing the situation to grow worse.
For example, the one day I was on the train when I got a phonecall from my Boyfriend saying that I would have to walk home from the station, but that he would meet me half way, as my brother, not having his own transport at the moment, had taken the car out, and had mistakenly taken the bike keys along with him.
For that very brief moment I could have made a choice based on the fact that there was nothing to be done that could change the situation. I could have said to myself that sure, even though it was an inconvenience it wasnt very far to walk, and maybe I would find the walk to be enjoyable. But of course I chose to be upset by those circumstances beyond my control. I expressed irritableness and remained grumpy for a large part of the walk home, whereas I could so easily have decided to make light of it and just deal with the situation without getting all upset about it.
My point here is that its as if I neither felt upset or okay about it. It was as if I was in a limbo where I was still deciding on how it was that I was going to feel about having to walk home instead of being picked up from the station. Usually it doesnt really matter to me how Im going to react, but of course my reactions have consequences when it comes to how someone else responds to my reactions. Its almost as if Im pushing the boundaries. Trying to see how much I can get away with.
A lot of the time I dont even feel all that upset about whatever situation has arisen, yet I choose to express irritation, which more often than not creates an even worse situation, with Boyfriend or whoever concerned, getting upset with me for the way in which I'm reacting. Making that decision to be upset rather than letting the issue go actually results in me starting to feel real irritation and anger at whatever has happened. So in effect I have the chance to create my mood, and nine times out of ten - and as strange as this may sound, I choose to create a bad mood by responding with a bad attitude to the situation that has presented itself.
Sometimes I think I do it because its the way in which I feel I should react. As if its the accepted and expected response to a particular situation. Yes, one would expect that I would be upset about having to walk home from the train station after work instead of being picked up as I usually am, but do I really have to act accordingly? Surely all I need do is express that I am upset about it, but adopt the attitude that nothing can be done about it but to just walk home and make the best of it?
Its a very strange concept, and Im not sure if anyone else has experienced this and come to notice it in their personality.
All of this lead me to ask myself: "What am I really like, since Im often expressing feelings that I didnt really even feel in the first place?".
