Withdrawal Symptoms

I think I might have discovered the reason for all these headaches and sudden drops in energy levels halfway through the day. The main keywords being sugar and caffeine. For the past 2 weeks or so I've been marking off a little dash each time I drink a glass of water. The aim is to drink about 6 glasses per day, although the lowest I ever drop is 4, with the exception of one day where I only had 3. The reason for all of this effort is due to one of the resolutions I wrote up in January. While it's unlikely that 6 glasses of water equals 1 and a half to 2 litres, it's still a start. A side effect to having all this added liquid sloshing around in my body, is that I'm constantly running to the loo, so surely I'm drinking more than enough for now.

Before I started glugging down copious amounts of water, bringing healthy snacks and a packed lunch to work each day, I used coffee as a way to warm me up and / or to fill me up. It got to the stage where I would be drinking about 5 or 6 mugs of coffee in a day, two of which I would have at home as my morning coffee, and then another one as soon as I got home from work. Surely all that caffeine can't be good for the system. So for these past 2 weeks I've been replacing all those mugs of coffee for cool, crisp fridge water, except of course for my morning coffee, which I refuse to give up.

But during this mini-detox I'm almost certain that the headaches have been more frequent, and that my energy levels have been dropping quite drastically. For some time I was confused as to why I've been feeling like this. I mean, I exercise, I've been eating fairly healthily (aside from the occasional take away on the boyfriend's insistence), and I've been drinking what I consider to be a good amount of water each day, so why should I be feeling as tired, headachy and generally blah, if not more, than if I wasn't doing all these good things for my body? It just doesn't add up.

Yesterday on the way home I voiced an idea to my boyfriend about why I might be feeling this way. I had heard from an acquaintance at Boot Camp, (which, by the way is now over - sniff-, but more on that later), that caffeine in small doses can be quite beneficial in terms of giving a quick burst of energy and alertness, which I think is true if you aren't overdoing it. I think my tiredness and lack of energy might have something to do with the fact that I'm not drinking as much coffee as I used to. Of course I don't need to, and in fact shouldn't go back to 5 - 6 mugs of coffee a day, but possibly one coffee in the middle of the day might do me some good. Besides the caffeine effect, it could possibly be the fact that I'm not having as much sugar as I used to, considering that I had 2 heaped teaspoons of sugar with each coffee.

Another find to support my sugar theory is that today it is one of the attorneys' celebrated his birthday. You might be wondering what this has to do with sugar levels, when in actual fact the link is quite obvious really. What are birthdays if they don't mean cake? Hmm? There was lots of it too. While I recently turned down a slice of cake that was bought for the office "just because" by the Conveyancer, one look at this cake and I thought, "Oh, what the hell, eh!" I only had one slice, but it was a very rich, very dreamy chocolate cake, which I'm sure was packed with sugar galore, and voilà! I'm still sitting here at my desk as alert and alive as ever.

So it would seem that the logical solution to an energy depletion crisis would be to keep a good supply of yummy cake on hand, which does wonders to pick you up. It's great! You should all try it!! And I think I might have overdone the sugar intake a bit!!!

But seriously, I think I might have to work on a more balance diet of some kind as I would hate to see what I look like after a month of eating cake every day.

Boot Camp, as I mentioned earlier, is sadly at an end, and I am entertaining all kinds of jealous feelings when I think about the people from the Boot Camp that I attended, who have signed up for the next one starting on Monday, and the Conveyancer here who will also be attending from next week with a group of friends.

Of course I will be attending another one in the future. (Once I've paid up my dentist bill - or rather repaid my boss for lending me the money to pay my dentist, but its pretty much the same thing). But knowing that I will be taking part in another one some day doesn't stop me from being a little envious about it.

I'm almost tempted to pitch up at the Boot Camp venue in my gym gear, copying all the exercises and stretches that they do, but with a little bit of distance between myself and the legitimate Boot Campers of course, so that they can't quite complain that I shouldn't be there. Hey, its a free world, and if I want to practice what I've learnt at Boot Camp and I happen to be at the same place at the same time as a Boot Camp session is taking place, then who can blame me really. I think it could be very comical actually. I just wish I had the guts to pull a stunt like that to see what their reactions are, although I'm sure it won't come close to the time when three pale, skinny guys ran up to our class, each wearing shocking pink speedos, who proceeded to stretch and pull muscleman poses right in amongst us without a hint of a smile on their faces while being filmed by a buddy standing off to the side, but anyway, it would still be a laugh, I'm sure.

One thing I'm quite proud of in terms of Boot Camp, is that besides the certificate of completion that everyone gets, I was given one of the special certificates which were being handed out with small gifts from Boot Camp's sponsors. My special certificate was for being the fastest runner at that particular Boot Camp, which made me feel pretty good actually. And on the certificate of completion a gold star had been stuck in one of the corners with "Perfect Attendance" written on it. Such simple things really, but they made me feel proud of myself for deciding to do something for myself, and going at it alone.

And you'll never guess what my particular gift from one of the sponsors was (because they are all different).

A box of tampons and a roll on anti-persperant. Admittedly the roll on smells really good and actually works, but I just cant get myself excited over a box of tampons. Sorry.

Such is my life

Today, although I should be feeling relieved that it is Friday, I'm feeling a little miserable. Maybe there is not enough work right now to keep me busy. Usually I am quite thankful for the rest periods between work loads, but those files have been sitting on my boss' desk for weeks and weeks and he has still not touched them. They aren't going to create work for themselves, that's for sure.

Besides that, my patience for answering that telephone is wearing thin. People with attitude. People with stupid questions. People who are freaking out on the phone because the Police have arrived to arrest them. It just seems to go on and on today. I really couldn't care less right now.

I also feel quite miserable because quite possibly the only real friend I have has been drifting further and further away from me and I don't know what to do to bridge the gap. This morning while we chatted on MSN Messenger I confided that I miss her company, and that I am putting my pride aside just to say that. She asked me why it was that I needed to put my pride aside to say something like that. To be honest, I don't know why pride has anything to do with it besides the fact that I feel rather pathetic saying that I miss her. That I might sound lonely and friendless without her, which in essence is true. She says she wants to chat to me later about something regarding why she thinks we don't see much of each other. I'm intrigued to know what she thinks, but worried too. Is it my new found passion for all things active? Do I test her patience by constantly talking about running, Boot Camp, blogging, and my wish to go for nice long walks in the forest? For all of these interests don't seem to be entirely, if at all shared by us.

I really just feel like walking right out of this office and taking a stroll along the canal with the sun warming my skin and the breeze in my hair. I would take my shoes off and sit on the edge of the canal wall and dangle my feet in the cool water. I would listen to the birds twittering in the trees above me, and no one would be demanding my time for things that really have no bearing on my life. Such is life that I am stuck here in an artificially lit office. The best I could do was to escape to a toilet cubicle to take a moment to compose myself after a phone call from a particularly irate client.

During a staff meeting yesterday I asked that when people go in and out of the office they close the door since I am not always sitting in front to watch my personal belongings or to greet clients coming in. If I'm doing something in the back of the office and someone leaves the front door open, clients tend to walk straight into the back office which is strictly for staff. Invariably everyone will turn to stare at me as if it's my fault. Meanwhile I had closed the door before going to the back, but someone had left the office without closing it behind them. This pisses me off because anybody could walk in and rummage through my handbag before anyone realises.

The second issue is that I do a lot of running around in the back office since I'm not only a receptionist, but a secretary to three people. As if I don't do enough running around the office doing my work, people actually expect to go out for a cigarette and ring the doorbell for me to come running to let them in. It's ridiculous. I've asked countless times that people make sure the door is closed behind them and to take their keys with them when they go for a smoke or to the toilet. I always take my key to avoid having to make people get up and buzz the door for me.

Does anybody think I'm over-reacting about this? I certainly don't think so.

And you would think that people would remember to close the door and take their keys since they were spoken to yesterday evening, but no. Still I have to run to open the door. Still the door is left open. For the first couple of times that people went out, they remembered, shaking their keys in the air and giving me a corny smile, which made me feel like I was being silly and unreasonable in my request. But from then on we were back to square one. It's a frustrating, never ending cycle, I tell you.

Anyway, I have been thinking again about what it is that I would really like to do with my life. Even though I have no idea, I'm starting to think that this is not it.

P.S: Since the two questions in the last post are relevant to this one, I'd be grateful if you would give your view on them.

(From yesterday): Before Monday morning officially started I was quite excited

I hate when I come to work in a good mood and then circumstances work against me keeping that good mood for longer than an hour at most. Monday mornings. How I love them.

There surely cant be many things worse than working on a Shareholders Agreement. I hate them with a passion. They always seem to be covered in red and blue tracked changes, which multiply as the agreement gets emailed back and forth between the respective parties. Then there is me, making changes of my own, and trying to make the document look vaguely acceptable because somehow when other people besides me make changes on a document the formatting always gets screwed up.

This document is a thick wad of approximately 60 pages which all have to be reformatted by the time the client comes this afternoon. I shouldnt really be taking lunch, but I need this break because I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at all the deadlines that are suddenly looming.

So I am walking around with a scowl on my face instead of the bright, happy smile of this morning.

All that aside though, the reason Im feeling excited is that Adventure Boot Camp starts this evening!

While I am excited at exercising each evening with a group of women, I am also quite nervous at the fact that I will be arriving alone and friendless. I have been chomping my nails since this morning at the thought of meeting new people. But I am mostly just nervous about doing something new. It's all the obvious worries about whether I'll get there on time and whether I'll find the right entrance.

I have no doubt that I will enjoy myself, and that I will almost definitely end up with at least one person that I feel comfortable chatting to, but I really, really wish that my best, and probably only real friend had registered with me. It was something I thought we could do together.

ABC obviously appealed to me because of the programme, but also a large part due to the fact that it can feel quite lonely and solitary to make the decision to work out and take care of your body when there is no one around you who shares the same interest in it. I enjoy my solitude while running, but sometimes I wish I had someone to accompany me. Someone with whom I can share the passion and drive with.

Anyway, I am pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm doing this on my own, and I've thought about it and thought about it, and really, it can't be that difficult to relax a little and make a buddy or two, even if it is just for the duration of the programme.

Yesterday I went shopping for some more gym-type clothes, which I then modelled for Boyfriend, while he nodded and made the appropriate sounds before quickly returning his attention to the Playstation.

I got Boyfriend to measure my arms, thighs, hips and chest last night, to be filled out on a pre and post camp evaluation sheet, and then packed my new gym clothes, running shoes, water bottle, and two hand weights in my bag ready for the next morning.

I always take the stairs at work which is both healthier and faster than the elevator. I think that just about everyone in my office insists on taking the elevator even though it is incredibly slow and tends to get people stuck inside it once in a while. Initially the stairs used to leave me panting for breath, but over the past year or so that I've been taking them I got used to it. This morning, however, my thighs strained a little, and I was panting slightly when I reached the top. All that from the extra 4 kilograms I'm carrying in my gym bag! It's all good though. It's just that little bit extra exercise.

So today is the beginning of a month of exercising with other people who share the same determination to get themselves into shape and feel great. It's an exciting prospect, and I'm ready to work hard at it.

And now my lunchtime is over. Back to the grindstone and that frigging Shareholders Agreement. Hopefully it will have magically disappeared off my desk and possibly landed up in the bin? Shredded?

I can only hope.

(Answers to the Tag below will follow soon, I promise.)

UPDATE: Boot Camp was great! I was left a little surprised at how tough some of the exercises were on me, considering that I exercise every weekday morning. But then we were working muscles that dont really get used when running, so I probably shouldnt feel all that surprised.

My arms are very, very stiff. Playing around with my 2kg weights at home by doing simple arms curls was easy enough, but having to hold them with my arms out at shoulder level for a couple of minutes at Boot Camp, after having done a load of other arm exercises beforehand was tough. Very tough. But, I will get used to it in time. Hopefully.

Yay for exercise!!

P.S: Today isnt exactly going smoothly either. Hoping things will calm down at work from tomorrow onwards.

Its all relevant, so who cares if Im being an exeptionally lazy blogger today!

In the spirit of good intentions for the New Year regarding diet, have a quick read of this.

Or dont.

It's up to you.

I did something stupid

I've been neglecting my blog for a bit for various reasons. Ive been pre-occupied with the 10km run / walk race Ive entered, which is on Sunday, and whether or not I should register for an Adventure Boot Camp thing that is a month long and will be taking place from 15 January 2006. I have finally decided to register.

Another major issue is that Boyfriend found out that D and I email each other. It was really stupid. Boyfriend's parents are away for the week and we popped in to check for post and do a load of washing. I thought Id check my email to see if there were any comments on my blog. There were'nt. But there was some junk mail that I wanted to delete. Boyfriend sneaked up behind me and pointed at the screen demanding why there was an email from D. I hurriedly closed the screen, a sudden heat rising steadily to my face. It didnt even occur to me that he might sneak up to me (why would he do that?), and it didnt even occur to me that there would be an email from D there. I was just thinking about blog comments. How stupid can I be? So he now knows. And he is very upset because even when he's asked me in the past, Ive said that we dont keep in contact. Its understandable that he's upset. Of course.

But these emails are strictly friendly. We dont speak about feelings or ever try to meet up. The only time we could have met up was on the train before he went overseas, but since we never discussed what carriage he'd be in, it was pretty much up to fate.

Ive emailed D to tell him that Boyfriend knows and that he isnt happy at all, and wants us to stop. He doesnt want to stop of course, because he enjoys it and we have lots in common, but he says that its entirely up to me, and that he has no intention of damaging a relationship. Do I carry on, or do I stop?

I really feel quite miserable about all this. Besides that, I feel restricted. I hate being forced to do or not do something. It just isnt me. So, I am entirely pre-occupied with being miserable right now.

I never knew it would come to this.

The Wiggle Waggle Walkathon presents Killer Cleo

This was an absolute disaster. Instead of a nice, enjoyable 4km walk with the boyfriend's parents dog, along with thousands of other people and their dogs, we ended up pulling out of the walk and going home. All thanks to Cleo, the horrendously socially inapt Staffordshire Bull Terrier, who attacked a large dog, and snapped at the other smaller dogs that came near her.

She was over-excited by all the dogs around her, all the different sounds and smells, and she was breathing so fast and so hard that a sharp wheezing sound came from her chest. Her eyes were wild as she tried to take it all in. Little dogs, the tiny ones, innocently came over to satisfy their natural curiosity, but were met with a lightning quick snap of Cleo's jaws. People screamed and leapt back in terror from the squeals of the unfortunate victims and stared at us as we tried to restrain her.

We went down on our haunches to keep her from launching at other dogs, as well as to keep the other curious dogs away to prevent them from getting mauled.

"Look at that dogs crazy eyes." Someone said in passing.

An old man came over to stroke her, but seemed a tad uncertain of her reaction as he stretched out his hand. I quickly reassured him that it wasnt the people we were worried about, but the other dogs. Only then did he properly let her sniff and lick his hand.

Things got worse as more and more people lined up at the starting line. Dogs were everywhere. Most of them were friendly towards each other, just having a passing sniff of the other's backside as dogs are wont to do. Why was it that every other dog got along fine, while ours wanted to rip apart ever dog she saw? It was hot, so very hot. The heat intensified with everyone crowding close at the start line. Our skin shone and sweat rolled down our backs from the combination of heat and stress.

A woman tapped me on the shoulder asking if she could see the tattoo on my lower back. I was so pre-occupied with trying to hold Cleo still and trying to calm her down that I stared blankly at her before realising what it was that she'd asked, and turning around and lifting up my T-shirt. She proclaimed it to be pretty, and I went back to the arduous task of looking after Cleo.

It seemed like we crouched like that forever, but eventually the walk started, and boyfriend was forced to carry Cleo in his arms. Being a staffie, she is not the lightest of dogs to carry around, unlike some other people who were cradling little daschunds or puppies in their arms. Up in boyfriends arms she seemed perfectly happy. Her rasping breathing settled down, and she panted and looked around with excitement. Why oh why couldnt she just be like that while on the ground, I dont know.

When a space opened up around us (probably due to the reputation Cleo was quickly aquiring), we put her down, but she pulled so hard on her lead that she ended up choking herself. She very clearly wanted to get to the dogs she could smell up ahead. It was ridiculous. She had to be carried again.

"He's carrying the one that goes after everything it sees". Said someone walking behind us.

Im being serious here, these were real, true to life comments people were making. I just cant make that up. It was clear that people in our immediate vicinity had seen or heard all about Cleo's vicious dog-eating habits. I was terrified that she would do something really bad, like attack a dog so badly that it ended up hurt, and that the owner would report us. I imagined a scene where we were publicly disqualified for bringing along a dangerous, anti-social dog on what should be a nice, peaceful mass dog-walk. We decided it was most suitable to carry Cleo instead of risk causing a scene of the likes of my imaginings.

But Boyfriend's arms inevitably grew tired. When they were at breaking point, I remarked that the whole left hand side of the road was open, and that we could possibly walk Cleo on that side. The Marshalls cycling up and down the road on their bicycles didnt think so. I know that Marshall was just trying to do his job, but I cant help but get irritated by how arrogant they can come across. I noticed it in the Big Walk I did last Sunday aswell. And Nightclub Bouncers are the same, if not worse. Give them a little bit of authority and they think they're IT.

Anyway, inevitably we were seen walking on the left hand side of the road, whereas the walk was taking place on the right so that we faced oncoming traffic. Along came the Marshall on his bicycle.

"I need you to walk on the other side of the road please, otherwise the Traffic Department wont allow us to do the walk".

It was a very reasonable request, however our dog was choosing to be highly unreasonable.

We quickly explained Cleo's behaviour around the other dogs. His solution was that we carry her. We explained that thats what we had been doing, but that she was heavy, and we couldnt be expected to carry her for all of 4km.

"Sir, that's not my problem. You need to walk on the other side of the road. You can carry her or make another plan, but you cant walk on this side".

Boyfriend was getting angry.

"My plan is to walk on this side, unless you want her attacking the other dogs!" He growled.

"Well Sir, my plan is to get you to walk on the other side of the road!" The Marshall's tone was dripping with arrogance.

"Would you mind if I just gave my arms a rest?!" Boyfriend shouted back.

Im sure people were staring, but I was too afraid to look. I imagined people sniggering amongst themselves and recounting Cleo's earlier behaviour.

I so badly wanted to shout at the Marshall, "Just pretend we're ordinary people who havent entered this friggin walk, if walking on this side is going to be such a damned problem!!!" But of course I didnt.

I hate confrontation. I really do. And its not often that I see Boyfriend losing it. But he was stressed out by Cleo's laboured breathing and the resultant yelping sounds she kept making. I know that he was thinking about Bleaux (pronounced as Blue), his previous Staffie, who seemed to have died of a heart-attack or a something similar relating to stress. Cleo's excited state, along with the fact that she was refusing to drink the water that so many other dogs had thirstily lapped up or splashed through, was a potential problem should we continue throughout the full 4kms.

With Boyfriend's angry outburst, the Marshall pedalled away, shrugging his shoulders. I had in mind that he would probably only afford us a period of grace before bothering us again.

But we made a decision before he even had the chance to return. We decided to drop out of the walk. It would be useless trying to get Cleo to get along with the other dogs. She would de-hydrate without water, and she was choking herself on her lead. We had never seen her so worked up before. Never before had we heard her struggle for breath the way she was this Sunday afternoon past.

I was disappointed. So, so disappointed. Besides thinking it would be a nice treat for Cleo, I was looking forward to having another chance to excercise, especially since Im trying to get a feel for what kind of distances I can handle. I know its not fair, but I was kind of angry at Cleo herself. She's always such a good natured dog, but somehow seeing all those thousands of dogs put her into killer mode.

So we turned around and made our way back. At the very back, however, we decided to give it another go since there would be no dogs around us, but Cleo continued to choke herself on her lead and we gave up once more. R60 and all I got out of it was a banana that I'd taken at the first watering station. At least the money went to the SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) .

When we dropped Cleo off at Boyfriend's parents place, she ran straight for her water bowl. Clearly she deigned herself to be socially above the other dogs who didnt care where their water came from, or who gave it to them, and happily drank together and shook themselves dry when their owners poured water over them.

She had calmed down dramatically but was still excited, and looked happy and proud of having been taken out on what she probably thought was a big adventure. Little did she know that out of the 4kms she was supposed to complete, she maybe did half a kilometre, maybe even less. Taking that into account, she performed rather pathetically. Pa-thet-ic!! We all told her so, but she wagged her tail happily, thinking we were probably proud of her. Yeah right!!

She also missed out on the little doggy treats and food samples that apparently get handed out along the way.

One thing is for sure though, NEVER AGAIN. At least not with Killer Cleo in tow.

Hopefully our little daschund puppy will have better social decorum when it comes to meeting other dogs. Puppy training school is now a definate, I think.