Overload

I've been away from the blogging world for a long time. A very long time. I don't know why that is, but for many years I have felt as if my creative juices and love of writing has been diminishing, and now I somehow feel that it has dried up completely.

I know that even after this post I will probably be away for a similarly long period of time. It's not a case of not having much going on in my life right now, but a case of too much going on.

My older brother is about to go through a divorce, and has already separated from his wife, who happens to be a friend of mine since we were about 10 or 11 years old. At the moment he is fragile and needing lots of contact and support from family, especially as he is temporarily living with my father in Mossel Bay while he sorts himself out, but he is slowly, bit by bit trying to put himself back together if not for her, then for himself. I have long been meaning to write a post about him and his wife, and in fact was in the middle of mapping out their story when I got the news that she had instituted divorce proceedings and that he would have to move out by a certain date. Their story is complicated, and one which makes me feel guilty and appreciative at the same time because of the contrast between our standards of living.

At the same time, Boyfriend has lost his job due to the sub-company he was working in not being altogether successful. He loved his job, the people and the atmosphere, but his boss felt that the company was running at a loss and wanted to shut it down. He'd given the company a period of grace just to keep an eye on things, but sadly the situation hadnt improved. Thank goodness it isnt a reflection on Boyfriend as a number of people had worked in that particular position and hadn't seemed to make a difference to the amount of money and success the company was making, but sadly he was the last to have that job, and therefore the one to lose it. He was paid out three months salary and told that they would understand if he chose not to come to work to finish out the month. So, now he is now looking for a new job, and has been for the last month or so, our funds slowly depleting each day. I dont know what we are going to do if he doesnt find one soon. One of the job ads he's applied for sounds like it might be promising since he's passed through the first interview, but he just needs to wait on the more senior person to phone him to arrange a second interview. My brother has gone for an interview as a job as a Guesthouse Night Manager where he would be offered accommodation, and since he doesnt want to live there as he's already organised to live with us, he's waiting on them to let him know if they are prepared to increase the salary as he would then have a rent expense as opposed to having free accommodation with them. Im crossing my fingers for the both of them, as well as my older brother in Mossel Bay who is also applied for a number of jobs.

Just before he'd lost his job we had given our notice to our landlord, who happened to know of a student looking for a place to stay right then. She had initially turned the student down, but said that she would phone her right away to let her know that we had given our notice. Since plans were already made that my brother would be moving back down to Cape Town from Bloemfontein to live with us, and since our notice had already been given and a new tenant found, we had to continue looking for a new place. Its a pretty nerve-wracking thing looking for places to rent and meeting prospective landlords when one of you has just recently lost a job, not to mention actually filling out a lease application form or signing a lease agreement. All lease agreements are different and request different information. Our previous lease required personal and employment details of both of us, but thank goodness the lease we have recently signed only asked for the details of the person who's account would be debited with the rental amount, and thats me. We both let off a mental sigh of relief at that.

Next we had to tell my brother, so that he could make an informed decision about whether he still thought it a good idea to move in with us. We put it off and put it off until Boyfriend eventually confided in him. Of course my brother and I havent told my mom because she'll just worry about it. In fact, we havent really told anyone. So far there are only six of us who know about it, and that includes Boyfriend and I. The other three who know are Boyfriend's parents and sister, who were especially not to know about it. They found out by mistake when one of the parents phoned Boyfriend's ex-office and was told he wasnt there. When they asked to leave a message for him they were told that he wouldnt be coming back because he no longer worked there. Shock was followed by copious amounts of tears on his moms part as expected, followed by countless questions and an eventual shouting match when Boyfriend felt that she was being too pushy about applying for jobs. I hate the way he reacts to her efforts to help motivate him to stop procrastinating, but she can be a little too pushy in her need to help. Hence why we didnt want them to know.

Despite our precarious financial situation, my brother decided to go ahead with the plans to move in with us, and booked his flight down. He arrived on Wednesday last week and is now looking for a part time job so that he can go to college but still earn enough money to be able to contribute to our rent and have some spending money to his name. So its now three men in my life on the job hunt, as my older brother living in Mossel Bay is also looking for a job as he hasn't has one in almost three years, the entire time he has been married. But that is part of his story, which I will continue to work on and possibly publish here on this blog as I had intended.

This weekend we are moving into our new place. A house. Finally. I think I've had quite enough of flats and garden cottages. Finally some space! A big back garden! A decorative front garden! Being allowed to have a dog! In our free time we have been doing some frantic gardening, trying to make the place look attractive and more like a garden than say, a little bit of wilderness, and I'm proud to say that we're doing a rather good job of it. Luckily we wont have to worry about the rent being paid each month, now we just have to worry about where our food is going to come from if Boyfriend doesnt get a job soon.

So this week is going to be filled with packing and sorting if we can just find some boxes. Since the two men of my household are out of jobs at the moment I have delegated the task to them, but they seem adamant to procrastinate as much as possible as when I phoned to check on progress before lunch they were "looking for boxes", but ended up looking at bikes. When I then phoned them at 3:40 they were yet again apparently "on their way to look for some boxes".

Men.

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P.S: Happy 85th Birthday Gran! I'm looking forward to chatting to you later on this evening!

Catching a Breather

The past three days have been utterly hectic. I'm hoping that today will be different, but somehow I doubt it. I've been buried under loads of work, and I just can't seem to see a way out from under it. The muscles in my back are tensed up so that they are constantly hurting, and I've been getting those damned headaches again, although I'm almost totally convinced that it's because my eyesight isn't too great, which will be confirmed when I finally get my ass into gear and make an appointment to have them tested. I'm so not a specs kind of girl, so it'll have to be contacts if in fact it is my eyes that is causing so much pain and frustration in my life right now.

Anyway, besides there being loads of work to do, some of which is staring me in the face right now, but will have to wait until I'm done here, I am thoroughly pissed off and frustrated with the bank right now. In December last year I had an original General Power of Attorney of one of our overseas clients delivered to the branch down the road from my office after confirming with an employee of the branch in Town that she could get it delivered to her. Well, what do you know! Somewhere along the line the bank has lost it! You wouldn't expect that of a big, well known bank, especially as they are always so sticky about all that sort of thing, but hey, now its my issue and I've been getting calls from them every day as they try to figure out where they went wrong.

But I'm just getting myself all upset again, and I really shouldn't since I'm going to have to deal with it today sometime. There's plenty of time to get upset about it when I actually get to it.

Off the point now, but look what I came across!! A giant squid was caught in New Zealand. Go check out the video. It's quite amazing. (I hope it'll still be there by the time you take a look, as they have added some more videos. Just scroll down and you'll see it).

Hmmmm, Calamari the size of truck tires. Bring it on!!

But right now its back to work I go.....

Such is my life

Today, although I should be feeling relieved that it is Friday, I'm feeling a little miserable. Maybe there is not enough work right now to keep me busy. Usually I am quite thankful for the rest periods between work loads, but those files have been sitting on my boss' desk for weeks and weeks and he has still not touched them. They aren't going to create work for themselves, that's for sure.

Besides that, my patience for answering that telephone is wearing thin. People with attitude. People with stupid questions. People who are freaking out on the phone because the Police have arrived to arrest them. It just seems to go on and on today. I really couldn't care less right now.

I also feel quite miserable because quite possibly the only real friend I have has been drifting further and further away from me and I don't know what to do to bridge the gap. This morning while we chatted on MSN Messenger I confided that I miss her company, and that I am putting my pride aside just to say that. She asked me why it was that I needed to put my pride aside to say something like that. To be honest, I don't know why pride has anything to do with it besides the fact that I feel rather pathetic saying that I miss her. That I might sound lonely and friendless without her, which in essence is true. She says she wants to chat to me later about something regarding why she thinks we don't see much of each other. I'm intrigued to know what she thinks, but worried too. Is it my new found passion for all things active? Do I test her patience by constantly talking about running, Boot Camp, blogging, and my wish to go for nice long walks in the forest? For all of these interests don't seem to be entirely, if at all shared by us.

I really just feel like walking right out of this office and taking a stroll along the canal with the sun warming my skin and the breeze in my hair. I would take my shoes off and sit on the edge of the canal wall and dangle my feet in the cool water. I would listen to the birds twittering in the trees above me, and no one would be demanding my time for things that really have no bearing on my life. Such is life that I am stuck here in an artificially lit office. The best I could do was to escape to a toilet cubicle to take a moment to compose myself after a phone call from a particularly irate client.

During a staff meeting yesterday I asked that when people go in and out of the office they close the door since I am not always sitting in front to watch my personal belongings or to greet clients coming in. If I'm doing something in the back of the office and someone leaves the front door open, clients tend to walk straight into the back office which is strictly for staff. Invariably everyone will turn to stare at me as if it's my fault. Meanwhile I had closed the door before going to the back, but someone had left the office without closing it behind them. This pisses me off because anybody could walk in and rummage through my handbag before anyone realises.

The second issue is that I do a lot of running around in the back office since I'm not only a receptionist, but a secretary to three people. As if I don't do enough running around the office doing my work, people actually expect to go out for a cigarette and ring the doorbell for me to come running to let them in. It's ridiculous. I've asked countless times that people make sure the door is closed behind them and to take their keys with them when they go for a smoke or to the toilet. I always take my key to avoid having to make people get up and buzz the door for me.

Does anybody think I'm over-reacting about this? I certainly don't think so.

And you would think that people would remember to close the door and take their keys since they were spoken to yesterday evening, but no. Still I have to run to open the door. Still the door is left open. For the first couple of times that people went out, they remembered, shaking their keys in the air and giving me a corny smile, which made me feel like I was being silly and unreasonable in my request. But from then on we were back to square one. It's a frustrating, never ending cycle, I tell you.

Anyway, I have been thinking again about what it is that I would really like to do with my life. Even though I have no idea, I'm starting to think that this is not it.

P.S: Since the two questions in the last post are relevant to this one, I'd be grateful if you would give your view on them.

Two Things Amongst all the Babble

I am standing in the office kitchen boiling the kettle for coffee and heating up my lunch when the New Girl comes in, mug in hand.

“So, how are things in the Litigation Department?” she asks, casually stealing the teaspoon I had just washed and put in my mug without me noticing.

“Well, it’s getting busier these days. A little bored when the New Year started and there wasn’t much to do.” I reply, giving just enough of a response so as not to appear rude.

“So would you say that when it comes to Litigation you’re - what’s the word…independent?” She asks, spooning coffee granules into her mug.

“So-so. Pretty much”. I'm getting bored of "work-talk". I couldn’t really care much less.

“I think you should start thinking about moving on to a bigger firm soon, don’t you think?”

“Well, I don’t really –“ I begin, but she cuts me off.

“Oh, not now, of course! But eventually. I mean, you've been here for about two years now, right?”

“Right. But I’m not so much bothered working for a small firm. If I moved it would probably be because of medical aid”. Because it is all about medical aid with me right now.

“My old company had medical aid, so I’m quite pissed off that I don’t have it now. Oh well, I’m here for the work experience anyway.” She says breezily.

The kettle has boiled and she's pouring the steaming water into her mug and stirring. I suddenly remember that I was about to make myself some coffee before she arrived, but when I reach out to grab my spoon, I see that it has in fact disappeared. I look at New Girl and it all clicks into place.

“Did you just steal my teaspoon?” I ask, a little shocked.

It always surprises me when people do things like that, whether they are aware of it or not. It just astounds me that some people walk around in a kind of daze without considering the other people around them.

I know it’s just a teaspoon, but it’s the principle of it all. In this case it was someone taking a teaspoon that I had freshly washed and dried and was about to use.

In other cases it might be someone striding up to the fax machine and tapping out the number when you have just finished shuffling your papers to pop yours in.

It could be someone who takes the last muffin or cupcake when they could see that you had just placed a saucer out for said muffin or cupcake to be enjoyed with a cup of hot coffee that had just been made.

“No! I don’t think so!” New Girl exclaims, looking around her in confusion.

"Yes you did. I'd just washed it".

"Oh, I didn’t realise".

No apology. No attempt to wash another teaspoon to replace the one she'd taken.

Instead, she starts talking once again about work and everything she says is infused with what I start to see as her need to show just how driven she is to get somewhere, and how deeply entrenched she is in her chosen profession.

It annoys me.

Is it wrong that I couldn't really care less about discussing my job and moving up the career ladder? I feel like I should care, that I should be more driven, but I just don’t as much as I used to, or as much as I thought I would.

I understand that she probably is as passionate about her job as she seems, and who knows, maybe she doesn’t know what else to talk to me about. Maybe I'm boring and have this great big wall up around me that she is trying bravely to scale for the sake of small talk between colleagues.

I've wondered about that wall sometimes. Sometimes I can feel it towering high up around me. Invisible, yet frustratingly impenetrable, largely due to my stupid inhibitions. Other times in certain social situations I can feel myself building it up brick by brick, blocking myself off from the friendly advances of others.

Often I catch myself walking around with a frown on my face and wonder what people must think. Is my frown another defence mechanism? As you can tell, I worry about my approachability at times. I like to think of myself as open and easy to talk to, but sometimes I feel that my body language is saying something else entirely.

But it's not always like that, mind you. In fact this past Sunday one of Boyfriend's aunts commented something to the effect that I used to be the shy one and have now come out of my shell quite a lot in the (almost) four years that I've known them. It was nice to hear that because I know it's true. It's frustratingly true that the way I come across to people, largely depends on the company I'm in. With Boyfriends' family, immediate and extended, it has taken me about three years to relax, be myself, and actually feel comfortable around them. It's a hell of a long time. And that, dear readers, is why it's so difficult for me to make friends.

I'm almost certain that people can sense this wall around me which may possibly appear to be a somewhat offish "I'm doing just fine by myself" attitude, but in fact is just protecting my naturally shy, slightly self-doubting self from the world. But if that is in fact true, what am I actually hiding? I feel there really isn't much that I would be ashamed of or worried of being discovered about me.

Even though I have been through some incredibly tough periods of depression, and in fact continue to have these episodes now and then, I do not believe that the depression I feel at times is due to me believing that I am a person who is unworthy of being loved or enjoying a friendship. When I have felt down in the dumps, it usually doesn't have much to do with myself and the ways in which I feel that I might have failed myself or those who know me - the whole "I'm not good enough" vibe. It's usually for an unknown reason (the most frustrating of all to myself and especially Boyfriend), or a general lack of motivation for everyday tasks and the endless days of these everyday tasks which entails the rest of my life stretching out ahead of me.

I guess that what I'm trying to say here is that even though depression is a very isolating condition, I don't think that I can blame it entirely for the fact that I don't have many friends, and that it appears to be hard for me to make any new ones.

It takes quite a while for me to openly, and face to face, refer to a particular person as my friend. Am I being too guarded in this friendship thing?

IN SUMMATION, (because I am known to ramble on and on while switching from one topic to the next and back again), I am pondering the following two points:

• Is the fact that I don't seem to have any real kind of career goal or need to get anywhere in my career something I should spend more time thinking and possibly worrying about? Shouldn't I feel something? Or am I just one of those people who goes to work, gets the work done, and generally just gets on with life. Somehow I feel that my career doesn't define me the way it would someone who works hard at something they love. Someone who's career is a huge part of their life.

• Am I making this whole friend making process into a bigger and harder thing than it really is? Because I don't ever really seem to get anywhere with it.

That is all.