Its that time of year again...

So it's Valentine's Day tomorrow, as well as a friend's birthday.

While I'm not really one who looks forward to Valentine's Day or even does anything to celebrate it, I thought it would be fun to do this little test that I came across on M's blog.

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium. In general, you prefer to have only one love interest. But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long! There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again. You have had a wide range of love experiences. And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

Hmmmm......interesting......

Lunch hour (and a half)

So G phoned me yesterday morning saying that he'd be in the area yesterday afternoon and he thought it would be cool to catch up. We arranged that he'd come around to my work at 1pm, when my lunch hour started.

Of course he managed to catch me on the worst day possible. Can you believe that I was wearing the exact same shirt that I was wearing the day I almost saw D on the train. The worst shirt I have. The one I wear when there is nothing else. When its laundry time. Get the picture. I had a spot on my chin. I felt ugly. I considered taking a rain check for later in the week, but decided it was silly. What did I care what I looked like. It was only G.

Anyway, I had fun. And believe it or not, not much was really said about our relationship all those years ago. It was mostly about the present.

And it turned out alright actually, even though I was wishing every 30 seconds that I was wearing something else. We went to a health food place where he had some kind of smoothie (green) and I had apple juice. I got back to work a quite a bit late, but oh well. It was worth it, doing something different, seeing and chatting to someone different.

I havent told boyfriend yet, and neither has he told his girlfriend because of the likely reactions, but its just for the meantime. Im sure I will tell boyfriend in due course.

Gee, I must sound so secretive and underhanded these days. Its awful. But I am happy doing what I want to do and making my own decisions for a change.

Its about time.

Wherein I sense disapproval in the air

Well, I am supposed to be writing a post about Christmas spirit, or more accurately the lack thereof in my office. But even though the ideas sparking off in my brain are plentiful, my ability to put those ideas into words that actually string together in a smooth and meaningful way is sadly lacking today.

So while I am here, having temporarily given up on the Christmas post, I thought I would write about something else on my mind right now.

You see, the thing is that I get the slight, but distinct impression that Im being disapproved of. Just the slightest of feelings, mind you. Its a feeling that has crept over me just over the last 15 or so minutes. A feeling that has come about due to various incidents of the ex-boyfriend / guy-friend / dancing with guys other than your boyfriend variety.

Of course you must know about the incident about D, where I was met with a massive amount of disapproval from boyfriend to the extent that I was ignored for a whole night and day following the incident.

Another bout of disapproval was bestowed upon me yesterday evening when I had just finished a short telephone call from my very first boyfriend's dad, who had returned my call asking for his sons cell number so that I could wish him for his birthday today. Bear in mind that the relationship with this very first boyfriend began when I was 13. For years after our break-up we kept in contact and found that we were pretty cool as friends. We lost touch for a bit and then regained contact numerous times until one year I found that I no longer had his cell number saved on my cell. Very mysterious, but then again it could very well have been that the number had been on my cell phone that had been stolen in the early days of my current relationship.

Anyway, as soon as I ended the call boyfriend asked who it was and what number I had taken down. This in itself is not a problem. He wasnt necessarily being paranoid or jealous or anything like that since I ask him similar questions when he gets calls. I breezily answered that it was G's dad, and that he'd given me G's cell number so I could sms him for his birthday. Well, do I even need to say that he had a reaction to my answer? He stated that he doesnt like me making contact with "all these guys". All these guys? All of two, he means? Ya...so anyway, he wasnt too pleased about that, and the rest of the evening was spent more or less in stony silence, besides the ocassional noncommittal grunt when I asked him something. His disapproval was written clearly on his face. In large print no less.

But anyway, I found myself not caring much, and I continued on my merry way, making supper and all. Sure, I was irritated by his reaction because hell, Im sick of guys getting pissed off with me having any kind of association with other guys. Whats wrong with having guy friends? Sure, G is an ex-boyfriend, albeit one from what feels like a lifetime ago, and D is someone I know I have some residual feelings for, but what exactly am I going to do? And to be completely honest here, there really is NO romantic feelings for G lurking around in my being. Nothing. I think we both realised that a long time ago.

Soon after my birthday sms went through he called me. Oh, boyfriend is going to love this, isnt he? We had a good old chat and reminisced about things from those days, although nothing about our actual relationship, but rather about people we knew and things that happened at the time in our respective families. It was really great actually.

And oh, update on D. He apparently hooked up with a girl who is the room-mate of the couple he was visiting in Hong Kong. You all know the dynamics of a couple and two single people hanging out together. Well, you would probably think that I would be sad or upset in some small way, and in fact you would be wrong in that my first reaction was "Ha! I so knew that had or would happen!", and then I walked around with a smile on my face, feeling pleased at the correctness of my female intuition. So revelation! I like him, but everything is safe. I didnt go psycho and start hating the girl. I havent started sulking and withdrawing my email contact with him. I didnt get all teary. I didnt think terrible things about him or her. Im okay. So finally, is this the friend stage?

Of course I am curious about this girl, and indeed I have even asked D some questions because, well, I am kind of emailing him again. Because, did I mention I am getting pissed off at guys getting jealous and feeling all insecure? So anyway, its a fling thing since she lives in Hong Kong and all.

So anyway, back to all this disapproval hanging over my head in stormlike proportions. I feel it even when talking to one of my friends about these two guys. In the beginning it felt fine to mention them a bit, but now I feel that maybe there may be a hint of disapproval in that I know that certain things which I think is okay to do are things which other people dont think are okay to do. A lot of couples have strict rules about forming friendships with former lovers or whatever they may have been. Well, me, I think its fine if the friendship is completely platonic. I know for a fact, deep down that there are no feelings for G. That part is so over. But he's a great guy, who is really fun to talk to. Of course with D, and there possibly being residual feelings, it probably wouldnt be wise to strike up a friendship in the sense of meeting up etc for fear of stirring up those emotions. As things are going now, well, it seems that we can really be friends afterall, albeit limited to email contact for the meantime.

Am I getting anywhere here? I feel like Im talking in circles or something.

So, the point is that even now when I chat to a friend about these guys it sort of feels that my side isnt fully being appreciated because what I am saying is not being related to. Same as when I talk about running, because I kind of do that a lot lately because I cant help but feel passionate about something that makes me feel so good. Its like talking to someone who isnt really interested because they cant relate or share a particular kind of experience with you.

And another thing of which I think people may disapprove of is that when I go out I like to dance. I love to dance. Because boyfriend doesnt dance, I dance with other people. I dance with my friends, and then I might dance with a guy. I of course tell this guy that I have a boyfriend and that all Im interested in is dancing with them. Maybe not in such a harsh and direct way, but they get the message. If a guy doesnt listen, well I stop dancing. But believe it or not there are some guys out there who arent just trying to get into a girls pants. Is that wrong? I have a feeling that possibly many will disapprove. Because I know this, is it true that I am correct in this assumption?

Ha Ha, but you know, I think it all comes down to the boundaries that are part of my belief system. (And by belief system I dont necessarily mean religion). And it is obvious that not everyone is going to have the same belief sytem by which they live their lives.

This is a time when I wish I had that "dont care what other people think of me" attitude. Because really, even though Im not doing anything wrong, and even though some people may think that I am, there are a hell of a lot of other people out there who do, and are willing to do far, far worse.

So take that all you disapprovers! Ha!

I did something stupid

I've been neglecting my blog for a bit for various reasons. Ive been pre-occupied with the 10km run / walk race Ive entered, which is on Sunday, and whether or not I should register for an Adventure Boot Camp thing that is a month long and will be taking place from 15 January 2006. I have finally decided to register.

Another major issue is that Boyfriend found out that D and I email each other. It was really stupid. Boyfriend's parents are away for the week and we popped in to check for post and do a load of washing. I thought Id check my email to see if there were any comments on my blog. There were'nt. But there was some junk mail that I wanted to delete. Boyfriend sneaked up behind me and pointed at the screen demanding why there was an email from D. I hurriedly closed the screen, a sudden heat rising steadily to my face. It didnt even occur to me that he might sneak up to me (why would he do that?), and it didnt even occur to me that there would be an email from D there. I was just thinking about blog comments. How stupid can I be? So he now knows. And he is very upset because even when he's asked me in the past, Ive said that we dont keep in contact. Its understandable that he's upset. Of course.

But these emails are strictly friendly. We dont speak about feelings or ever try to meet up. The only time we could have met up was on the train before he went overseas, but since we never discussed what carriage he'd be in, it was pretty much up to fate.

Ive emailed D to tell him that Boyfriend knows and that he isnt happy at all, and wants us to stop. He doesnt want to stop of course, because he enjoys it and we have lots in common, but he says that its entirely up to me, and that he has no intention of damaging a relationship. Do I carry on, or do I stop?

I really feel quite miserable about all this. Besides that, I feel restricted. I hate being forced to do or not do something. It just isnt me. So, I am entirely pre-occupied with being miserable right now.

I never knew it would come to this.