Well, I am supposed to be writing a post about Christmas spirit, or more accurately the lack thereof in my office. But even though the ideas sparking off in my brain are plentiful, my ability to put those ideas into words that actually string together in a smooth and meaningful way is sadly lacking today.
So while I am here, having temporarily given up on the Christmas post, I thought I would write about something else on my mind right now.
You see, the thing is that I get the slight, but distinct impression that Im being disapproved of. Just the slightest of feelings, mind you. Its a feeling that has crept over me just over the last 15 or so minutes. A feeling that has come about due to various incidents of the ex-boyfriend / guy-friend / dancing with guys other than your boyfriend variety.
Of course you must know about the incident about D, where I was met with a massive amount of disapproval from boyfriend to the extent that I was ignored for a whole night and day following the incident.
Another bout of disapproval was bestowed upon me yesterday evening when I had just finished a short telephone call from my very first boyfriend's dad, who had returned my call asking for his sons cell number so that I could wish him for his birthday today. Bear in mind that the relationship with this very first boyfriend began when I was 13. For years after our break-up we kept in contact and found that we were pretty cool as friends. We lost touch for a bit and then regained contact numerous times until one year I found that I no longer had his cell number saved on my cell. Very mysterious, but then again it could very well have been that the number had been on my cell phone that had been stolen in the early days of my current relationship.
Anyway, as soon as I ended the call boyfriend asked who it was and what number I had taken down. This in itself is not a problem. He wasnt necessarily being paranoid or jealous or anything like that since I ask him similar questions when he gets calls. I breezily answered that it was G's dad, and that he'd given me G's cell number so I could sms him for his birthday. Well, do I even need to say that he had a reaction to my answer? He stated that he doesnt like me making contact with "all these guys". All these guys? All of two, he means? Ya...so anyway, he wasnt too pleased about that, and the rest of the evening was spent more or less in stony silence, besides the ocassional noncommittal grunt when I asked him something. His disapproval was written clearly on his face. In large print no less.
But anyway, I found myself not caring much, and I continued on my merry way, making supper and all. Sure, I was irritated by his reaction because hell, Im sick of guys getting pissed off with me having any kind of association with other guys. Whats wrong with having guy friends? Sure, G is an ex-boyfriend, albeit one from what feels like a lifetime ago, and D is someone I know I have some residual feelings for, but what exactly am I going to do? And to be completely honest here, there really is NO romantic feelings for G lurking around in my being. Nothing. I think we both realised that a long time ago.
Soon after my birthday sms went through he called me. Oh, boyfriend is going to love this, isnt he? We had a good old chat and reminisced about things from those days, although nothing about our actual relationship, but rather about people we knew and things that happened at the time in our respective families. It was really great actually.
And oh, update on D. He apparently hooked up with a girl who is the room-mate of the couple he was visiting in Hong Kong. You all know the dynamics of a couple and two single people hanging out together. Well, you would probably think that I would be sad or upset in some small way, and in fact you would be wrong in that my first reaction was "Ha! I so knew that had or would happen!", and then I walked around with a smile on my face, feeling pleased at the correctness of my female intuition. So revelation! I like him, but everything is safe. I didnt go psycho and start hating the girl. I havent started sulking and withdrawing my email contact with him. I didnt get all teary. I didnt think terrible things about him or her. Im okay. So finally, is this the friend stage?
Of course I am curious about this girl, and indeed I have even asked D some questions because, well, I am kind of emailing him again. Because, did I mention I am getting pissed off at guys getting jealous and feeling all insecure? So anyway, its a fling thing since she lives in Hong Kong and all.
So anyway, back to all this disapproval hanging over my head in stormlike proportions. I feel it even when talking to one of my friends about these two guys. In the beginning it felt fine to mention them a bit, but now I feel that maybe there may be a hint of disapproval in that I know that certain things which I think is okay to do are things which other people dont think are okay to do. A lot of couples have strict rules about forming friendships with former lovers or whatever they may have been. Well, me, I think its fine if the friendship is completely platonic. I know for a fact, deep down that there are no feelings for G. That part is so over. But he's a great guy, who is really fun to talk to. Of course with D, and there possibly being residual feelings, it probably wouldnt be wise to strike up a friendship in the sense of meeting up etc for fear of stirring up those emotions. As things are going now, well, it seems that we can really be friends afterall, albeit limited to email contact for the meantime.
Am I getting anywhere here? I feel like Im talking in circles or something.
So, the point is that even now when I chat to a friend about these guys it sort of feels that my side isnt fully being appreciated because what I am saying is not being related to. Same as when I talk about running, because I kind of do that a lot lately because I cant help but feel passionate about something that makes me feel so good. Its like talking to someone who isnt really interested because they cant relate or share a particular kind of experience with you.
And another thing of which I think people may disapprove of is that when I go out I like to dance. I love to dance. Because boyfriend doesnt dance, I dance with other people. I dance with my friends, and then I might dance with a guy. I of course tell this guy that I have a boyfriend and that all Im interested in is dancing with them. Maybe not in such a harsh and direct way, but they get the message. If a guy doesnt listen, well I stop dancing. But believe it or not there are some guys out there who arent just trying to get into a girls pants. Is that wrong? I have a feeling that possibly many will disapprove. Because I know this, is it true that I am correct in this assumption?
Ha Ha, but you know, I think it all comes down to the boundaries that are part of my belief system. (And by belief system I dont necessarily mean religion). And it is obvious that not everyone is going to have the same belief sytem by which they live their lives.
This is a time when I wish I had that "dont care what other people think of me" attitude. Because really, even though Im not doing anything wrong, and even though some people may think that I am, there are a hell of a lot of other people out there who do, and are willing to do far, far worse.
So take that all you disapprovers! Ha!
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