How I stuck my foot in it!

In typical Sagittarian fashion, I managed to embarass my boyfriend in front of his relatively new colleagues and his boss to boot. Not embarass in the sense that I made him feel any less intelligent or that I poked fun at his new haircut or something he said. No, it was far, far worse than that. Im still kicking myself over this, however, due to the opinions of two of my friends as well as that of my mother on the seriousness of my blunder, I've allowed myself to have a little laugh about it on those occassions when I'm feeling lighthearted and have grown tired of beating myself up about it.

Boyfriend and I had been invited to the housewarming party of one of his colleagues about two weeks ago. We'd known about this party for about two weeks in advance and to be honest, I wasnt sure I even wanted to go as I wouldnt know anyone there. But since Ive been trying to make an effort to be more sociable these days, I said Id go. Ill tell you though, that what really made up my mind about going was a closer look at the invitation. The girlfriend of Boyfriend's colleage had created the cutest invitations by drawing cartoon characters of herself and her boyfriend, with their two daschunds . The fact that they have two of those pooches was what did it for me. They are my absolute favourite breed of dog, and before I go out and get myself a puppy Ive been dying to spend some time with some to get an idea of their personalities, so it was a perfect opportunity to do so at the party. I joked around with Boyfriend that I had visions of myself spending pretty much the entire evening with these little dogs, but promised him that I wouldnt be completely unsociable.

As we arrived at the house, another car pulled up and Boyfriend reversed a bit so that he could ask the other driver where we were supposed to park. As we were parking outside the complex Boyfriend said, "Thats Peter, my Sales Manager".

On entering the house I decided that I wanted to show Boyfriend that I was more confident than he would expect me to be, so I took the initiative and walked up to everyone standing in a circle outside and introduced myself and shook their hands. I was doing pretty well, and even got involved in a conversation with them.

After some time I went inside and made conversation with the hostess. She was really nice, and we started talking about her two black and tan miniature pedigree daschunds. The female is pregnant and is due in two weeks time, so I was all broody over the little dogs and thinking about the puppies to be.

Anyway, the point is that I think I was making a pretty good impression and not coming across as shy and reserved as I usually am with people I dont know.

When I went back outside I saw that Boyfriend was chatting to a colleague of his whom he'd pointed out as someone he wanted to introduce to me. I went over and Boyfriend introduced me to him and his girlfriend. His name was Kurt. Peter was also standing there in the little conversation circle. I stood there for a bit and listened to the conversation, which was about Kurt and why he's chosen to go into the motor trade.

I then remembered Boyfriend telling me about Kurt and how he's worked in the tile industry for just over a year, but that he's very interested in cars, and has decided he's going to leave the tile company (where Boyfriend works) to work for a car sales place. He was talking about how he's been walking around handing out his CVs to all the car shops all over the place.

Anyway, Kurt was saying that he thinks its time to try something different after over a year in the tile industry, but that he values what he's learnt at the company.

Now, bear in mind that there were loads of people from Boyfriend's work at that party. Loads. I kick myself every time I play this over and over in my head.

I remember standing there waiting for a little break in the conversation so that I could say something. In my mind I thought I was contributing to the conversation. I thought Kurt would appreciate the question and that his answer would be valuable for Boyfriend since he loves the motor industry too.

Anyway, so when the perfect gap presented itself, I spoke up and said something to this effect:

"So Kurt, [Boyfriend] and I were actually talking about this the other day. How did you manage to work for over a year in the tile industry if you love cars so much? I mean, [Boyfriend] is passionate about cars, and tiles arent really his kind of thing, so why did you stay so long before deciding to get into the motor industry if you love cars just as much?"

There was this sort of stunned silence while people eyeballed each other nervously, wondering if they had indeed heard me correctly. I was mortified.

Only towards the end of what I was saying did I realise the terrible blunder that I'd just made, and noticed the look on Kurt and his girlfriends' face. I couldnt even look to my right where Peter was standing. Somehow "Sales Manager" didnt correspont to the word "Boss" in my head at the time of saying what I did, and it only clicked into place when it was far too late to stop. Even if he wasnt Boyfreind's boss, it still wasnt a wise thing to say in an environment where 75 to 80% of the people at the party work with Boyfriend, or are friends of people who work there.

I remember blushing furiously. Kurt made a good recovery by saying that sales is sales, no matter what industry you're in, and he'd learnt a hell of a lot at the tile company and would use that experience in any other sales jobs he might have, etc.

I tried desperately not to meet Boyfriend's panicked eyes, but when he managed successfully to jab me with his elbow, I quickly looked up into his eyes and gave him an "I KNOW!!" look with mine.

At that moment I very much wished I could leave right there and then and go home, but there I was, blushing furiously and trying desperately to avoid anyone's disbelieving gaze. I felt miserable.

After a moment of awkwardness while I tried to think of a reason to leave the little group, I was presented with one when I realised my drink was finished. I asked Boyfriend if he wanted another drink (even though his beer was still pretty full). He refused of course, and then thre I was, off in the blink of an eye. I was gone for a long, long time. I spent a lot of the night in the house with the dogs and chatting to the hostess. Eventually later on I spoke to Peter. Not about what had had heard that I work for a firm of attorneys and asking what the name of the firm was, etc.

I did try to make amends by mentioning that Boyfriend is really quite interested in buying properties, doing them up (bringing the whole tile and other decor stuff into it), and then selling them or renting them out for more than he would have charged without it being renovated.

I think I did okay in terms of convincing Peter that Boyfriend isnt just passionate about cars, but is also interested and believes in the products he's selling. I also hoped he found me interesting and friendly and a nice person, so that his good opinion of me might help him forget the huge blunder Id made earlier that night, and also so that he might not take my mistake out on Boyfriend. I was hoping he would realise that what I think and say (even if I didnt mean to say it) is not necessary what Boyfriend thinks, or how he feels.

I honestly kick myself so hard and so often when I think about it. I felt like crying on the way home. How could I be so stupid!!?! I could have ruined Boyfriend's career, now that he finally has a job after being out of one for 2 months. Even now we dont know what consequences my stupid remark has made on where he stands with his boss.

Apparently the next day Kurt said to Boyfriend, "I cant believe [your Girlfriend] actually said that. And with Peter right there!"

Boyfriend also told me that he felt extremely awkward at work the following Monday morning, imaging that everyone must think he's a fraud, pretending to be all interested in what he's doing just so he could get the job.

I've since relayed the story to two friends of mine who think its funny and that I shouldnt beat myself up about it. My mother feels the same, although she had a huge laugh about it, her being a Sagittarian herself.

I must admit though, that laughing about it did help me feel a hell of a lot better about it. I guess I just have to accept that its just part of my nature and all. ;)

Drained

I feel incredibly blue today. On top of this I feel hugely tired and worn out, which Im sure is a consequence of my mood.

I have tried to put my foot down and I have tried to wait it out. I have tried to keep the peace to keep the household running smoothly, but now I think Im done trying to do anything. I feel completely walked over and taken advantage of.

I cannot take anymore of the tension and the constant bitching about everything and everyone.

Why wont anyone take us seriously when we try to speak out about our unhappiness with the situation? And why is everyone else allowed to say enough is enough, but when we do the same nothing changes?

Im tired of being the middleman for each and every issue that crops up.

Im so, so tired of all this. Physically and emotionally.

I wont even try to explain just yet.

I cant get myself all worked up here in the office.

What am I really like?

It hit me when I was sitting on the train on my way home from work one day. I had been staring thoughtlessly at the ground when a tiny gem of a thought had flittered in from nowhere and sparked off a self-realisation that was hard to put down.

There is a point in any situation where you are able to make the ultimate decision over what your reaction or response is going to be when presented with any given information or a developing situation. Its the briefest moment of chance where the situation can go either way, and you have the power to determine what the general outcome of that situation will be.

In that moment on the train, with the carriage gently rocking me deeper into my reverie, and the late afternoon sun streaming into the windows causing those opposite me to squint their eyes from the glare, I finally understood myself just a little bit more than I had done before.

It occured to me that the majority of the time where I'm afforded the opportunity in choosing how it is that Im going to react, I fail to make the correct choice, even though I have recognised that window of opportunity. There have been countless times where I could have put a good spin on a bad situation. Where I could have stopped myself from reacting negatively, thereby not allowing the situation to grow worse.

For example, the one day I was on the train when I got a phonecall from my Boyfriend saying that I would have to walk home from the station, but that he would meet me half way, as my brother, not having his own transport at the moment, had taken the car out, and had mistakenly taken the bike keys along with him.

For that very brief moment I could have made a choice based on the fact that there was nothing to be done that could change the situation. I could have said to myself that sure, even though it was an inconvenience it wasnt very far to walk, and maybe I would find the walk to be enjoyable. But of course I chose to be upset by those circumstances beyond my control. I expressed irritableness and remained grumpy for a large part of the walk home, whereas I could so easily have decided to make light of it and just deal with the situation without getting all upset about it.

My point here is that its as if I neither felt upset or okay about it. It was as if I was in a limbo where I was still deciding on how it was that I was going to feel about having to walk home instead of being picked up from the station. Usually it doesnt really matter to me how Im going to react, but of course my reactions have consequences when it comes to how someone else responds to my reactions. Its almost as if Im pushing the boundaries. Trying to see how much I can get away with.

A lot of the time I dont even feel all that upset about whatever situation has arisen, yet I choose to express irritation, which more often than not creates an even worse situation, with Boyfriend or whoever concerned, getting upset with me for the way in which I'm reacting. Making that decision to be upset rather than letting the issue go actually results in me starting to feel real irritation and anger at whatever has happened. So in effect I have the chance to create my mood, and nine times out of ten - and as strange as this may sound, I choose to create a bad mood by responding with a bad attitude to the situation that has presented itself.

Sometimes I think I do it because its the way in which I feel I should react. As if its the accepted and expected response to a particular situation. Yes, one would expect that I would be upset about having to walk home from the train station after work instead of being picked up as I usually am, but do I really have to act accordingly? Surely all I need do is express that I am upset about it, but adopt the attitude that nothing can be done about it but to just walk home and make the best of it?

Its a very strange concept, and Im not sure if anyone else has experienced this and come to notice it in their personality.

All of this lead me to ask myself: "What am I really like, since Im often expressing feelings that I didnt really even feel in the first place?".

Overload

I've been away from the blogging world for a long time. A very long time. I don't know why that is, but for many years I have felt as if my creative juices and love of writing has been diminishing, and now I somehow feel that it has dried up completely.

I know that even after this post I will probably be away for a similarly long period of time. It's not a case of not having much going on in my life right now, but a case of too much going on.

My older brother is about to go through a divorce, and has already separated from his wife, who happens to be a friend of mine since we were about 10 or 11 years old. At the moment he is fragile and needing lots of contact and support from family, especially as he is temporarily living with my father in Mossel Bay while he sorts himself out, but he is slowly, bit by bit trying to put himself back together if not for her, then for himself. I have long been meaning to write a post about him and his wife, and in fact was in the middle of mapping out their story when I got the news that she had instituted divorce proceedings and that he would have to move out by a certain date. Their story is complicated, and one which makes me feel guilty and appreciative at the same time because of the contrast between our standards of living.

At the same time, Boyfriend has lost his job due to the sub-company he was working in not being altogether successful. He loved his job, the people and the atmosphere, but his boss felt that the company was running at a loss and wanted to shut it down. He'd given the company a period of grace just to keep an eye on things, but sadly the situation hadnt improved. Thank goodness it isnt a reflection on Boyfriend as a number of people had worked in that particular position and hadn't seemed to make a difference to the amount of money and success the company was making, but sadly he was the last to have that job, and therefore the one to lose it. He was paid out three months salary and told that they would understand if he chose not to come to work to finish out the month. So, now he is now looking for a new job, and has been for the last month or so, our funds slowly depleting each day. I dont know what we are going to do if he doesnt find one soon. One of the job ads he's applied for sounds like it might be promising since he's passed through the first interview, but he just needs to wait on the more senior person to phone him to arrange a second interview. My brother has gone for an interview as a job as a Guesthouse Night Manager where he would be offered accommodation, and since he doesnt want to live there as he's already organised to live with us, he's waiting on them to let him know if they are prepared to increase the salary as he would then have a rent expense as opposed to having free accommodation with them. Im crossing my fingers for the both of them, as well as my older brother in Mossel Bay who is also applied for a number of jobs.

Just before he'd lost his job we had given our notice to our landlord, who happened to know of a student looking for a place to stay right then. She had initially turned the student down, but said that she would phone her right away to let her know that we had given our notice. Since plans were already made that my brother would be moving back down to Cape Town from Bloemfontein to live with us, and since our notice had already been given and a new tenant found, we had to continue looking for a new place. Its a pretty nerve-wracking thing looking for places to rent and meeting prospective landlords when one of you has just recently lost a job, not to mention actually filling out a lease application form or signing a lease agreement. All lease agreements are different and request different information. Our previous lease required personal and employment details of both of us, but thank goodness the lease we have recently signed only asked for the details of the person who's account would be debited with the rental amount, and thats me. We both let off a mental sigh of relief at that.

Next we had to tell my brother, so that he could make an informed decision about whether he still thought it a good idea to move in with us. We put it off and put it off until Boyfriend eventually confided in him. Of course my brother and I havent told my mom because she'll just worry about it. In fact, we havent really told anyone. So far there are only six of us who know about it, and that includes Boyfriend and I. The other three who know are Boyfriend's parents and sister, who were especially not to know about it. They found out by mistake when one of the parents phoned Boyfriend's ex-office and was told he wasnt there. When they asked to leave a message for him they were told that he wouldnt be coming back because he no longer worked there. Shock was followed by copious amounts of tears on his moms part as expected, followed by countless questions and an eventual shouting match when Boyfriend felt that she was being too pushy about applying for jobs. I hate the way he reacts to her efforts to help motivate him to stop procrastinating, but she can be a little too pushy in her need to help. Hence why we didnt want them to know.

Despite our precarious financial situation, my brother decided to go ahead with the plans to move in with us, and booked his flight down. He arrived on Wednesday last week and is now looking for a part time job so that he can go to college but still earn enough money to be able to contribute to our rent and have some spending money to his name. So its now three men in my life on the job hunt, as my older brother living in Mossel Bay is also looking for a job as he hasn't has one in almost three years, the entire time he has been married. But that is part of his story, which I will continue to work on and possibly publish here on this blog as I had intended.

This weekend we are moving into our new place. A house. Finally. I think I've had quite enough of flats and garden cottages. Finally some space! A big back garden! A decorative front garden! Being allowed to have a dog! In our free time we have been doing some frantic gardening, trying to make the place look attractive and more like a garden than say, a little bit of wilderness, and I'm proud to say that we're doing a rather good job of it. Luckily we wont have to worry about the rent being paid each month, now we just have to worry about where our food is going to come from if Boyfriend doesnt get a job soon.

So this week is going to be filled with packing and sorting if we can just find some boxes. Since the two men of my household are out of jobs at the moment I have delegated the task to them, but they seem adamant to procrastinate as much as possible as when I phoned to check on progress before lunch they were "looking for boxes", but ended up looking at bikes. When I then phoned them at 3:40 they were yet again apparently "on their way to look for some boxes".

Men.

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P.S: Happy 85th Birthday Gran! I'm looking forward to chatting to you later on this evening!

Catching a Breather

The past three days have been utterly hectic. I'm hoping that today will be different, but somehow I doubt it. I've been buried under loads of work, and I just can't seem to see a way out from under it. The muscles in my back are tensed up so that they are constantly hurting, and I've been getting those damned headaches again, although I'm almost totally convinced that it's because my eyesight isn't too great, which will be confirmed when I finally get my ass into gear and make an appointment to have them tested. I'm so not a specs kind of girl, so it'll have to be contacts if in fact it is my eyes that is causing so much pain and frustration in my life right now.

Anyway, besides there being loads of work to do, some of which is staring me in the face right now, but will have to wait until I'm done here, I am thoroughly pissed off and frustrated with the bank right now. In December last year I had an original General Power of Attorney of one of our overseas clients delivered to the branch down the road from my office after confirming with an employee of the branch in Town that she could get it delivered to her. Well, what do you know! Somewhere along the line the bank has lost it! You wouldn't expect that of a big, well known bank, especially as they are always so sticky about all that sort of thing, but hey, now its my issue and I've been getting calls from them every day as they try to figure out where they went wrong.

But I'm just getting myself all upset again, and I really shouldn't since I'm going to have to deal with it today sometime. There's plenty of time to get upset about it when I actually get to it.

Off the point now, but look what I came across!! A giant squid was caught in New Zealand. Go check out the video. It's quite amazing. (I hope it'll still be there by the time you take a look, as they have added some more videos. Just scroll down and you'll see it).

Hmmmm, Calamari the size of truck tires. Bring it on!!

But right now its back to work I go.....

Withdrawal Symptoms

I think I might have discovered the reason for all these headaches and sudden drops in energy levels halfway through the day. The main keywords being sugar and caffeine. For the past 2 weeks or so I've been marking off a little dash each time I drink a glass of water. The aim is to drink about 6 glasses per day, although the lowest I ever drop is 4, with the exception of one day where I only had 3. The reason for all of this effort is due to one of the resolutions I wrote up in January. While it's unlikely that 6 glasses of water equals 1 and a half to 2 litres, it's still a start. A side effect to having all this added liquid sloshing around in my body, is that I'm constantly running to the loo, so surely I'm drinking more than enough for now.

Before I started glugging down copious amounts of water, bringing healthy snacks and a packed lunch to work each day, I used coffee as a way to warm me up and / or to fill me up. It got to the stage where I would be drinking about 5 or 6 mugs of coffee in a day, two of which I would have at home as my morning coffee, and then another one as soon as I got home from work. Surely all that caffeine can't be good for the system. So for these past 2 weeks I've been replacing all those mugs of coffee for cool, crisp fridge water, except of course for my morning coffee, which I refuse to give up.

But during this mini-detox I'm almost certain that the headaches have been more frequent, and that my energy levels have been dropping quite drastically. For some time I was confused as to why I've been feeling like this. I mean, I exercise, I've been eating fairly healthily (aside from the occasional take away on the boyfriend's insistence), and I've been drinking what I consider to be a good amount of water each day, so why should I be feeling as tired, headachy and generally blah, if not more, than if I wasn't doing all these good things for my body? It just doesn't add up.

Yesterday on the way home I voiced an idea to my boyfriend about why I might be feeling this way. I had heard from an acquaintance at Boot Camp, (which, by the way is now over - sniff-, but more on that later), that caffeine in small doses can be quite beneficial in terms of giving a quick burst of energy and alertness, which I think is true if you aren't overdoing it. I think my tiredness and lack of energy might have something to do with the fact that I'm not drinking as much coffee as I used to. Of course I don't need to, and in fact shouldn't go back to 5 - 6 mugs of coffee a day, but possibly one coffee in the middle of the day might do me some good. Besides the caffeine effect, it could possibly be the fact that I'm not having as much sugar as I used to, considering that I had 2 heaped teaspoons of sugar with each coffee.

Another find to support my sugar theory is that today it is one of the attorneys' celebrated his birthday. You might be wondering what this has to do with sugar levels, when in actual fact the link is quite obvious really. What are birthdays if they don't mean cake? Hmm? There was lots of it too. While I recently turned down a slice of cake that was bought for the office "just because" by the Conveyancer, one look at this cake and I thought, "Oh, what the hell, eh!" I only had one slice, but it was a very rich, very dreamy chocolate cake, which I'm sure was packed with sugar galore, and voilà! I'm still sitting here at my desk as alert and alive as ever.

So it would seem that the logical solution to an energy depletion crisis would be to keep a good supply of yummy cake on hand, which does wonders to pick you up. It's great! You should all try it!! And I think I might have overdone the sugar intake a bit!!!

But seriously, I think I might have to work on a more balance diet of some kind as I would hate to see what I look like after a month of eating cake every day.

Boot Camp, as I mentioned earlier, is sadly at an end, and I am entertaining all kinds of jealous feelings when I think about the people from the Boot Camp that I attended, who have signed up for the next one starting on Monday, and the Conveyancer here who will also be attending from next week with a group of friends.

Of course I will be attending another one in the future. (Once I've paid up my dentist bill - or rather repaid my boss for lending me the money to pay my dentist, but its pretty much the same thing). But knowing that I will be taking part in another one some day doesn't stop me from being a little envious about it.

I'm almost tempted to pitch up at the Boot Camp venue in my gym gear, copying all the exercises and stretches that they do, but with a little bit of distance between myself and the legitimate Boot Campers of course, so that they can't quite complain that I shouldn't be there. Hey, its a free world, and if I want to practice what I've learnt at Boot Camp and I happen to be at the same place at the same time as a Boot Camp session is taking place, then who can blame me really. I think it could be very comical actually. I just wish I had the guts to pull a stunt like that to see what their reactions are, although I'm sure it won't come close to the time when three pale, skinny guys ran up to our class, each wearing shocking pink speedos, who proceeded to stretch and pull muscleman poses right in amongst us without a hint of a smile on their faces while being filmed by a buddy standing off to the side, but anyway, it would still be a laugh, I'm sure.

One thing I'm quite proud of in terms of Boot Camp, is that besides the certificate of completion that everyone gets, I was given one of the special certificates which were being handed out with small gifts from Boot Camp's sponsors. My special certificate was for being the fastest runner at that particular Boot Camp, which made me feel pretty good actually. And on the certificate of completion a gold star had been stuck in one of the corners with "Perfect Attendance" written on it. Such simple things really, but they made me feel proud of myself for deciding to do something for myself, and going at it alone.

And you'll never guess what my particular gift from one of the sponsors was (because they are all different).

A box of tampons and a roll on anti-persperant. Admittedly the roll on smells really good and actually works, but I just cant get myself excited over a box of tampons. Sorry.

Its that time of year again...

So it's Valentine's Day tomorrow, as well as a friend's birthday.

While I'm not really one who looks forward to Valentine's Day or even does anything to celebrate it, I thought it would be fun to do this little test that I came across on M's blog.

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium. In general, you prefer to have only one love interest. But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long! There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again. You have had a wide range of love experiences. And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

Hmmmm......interesting......

Such is my life

Today, although I should be feeling relieved that it is Friday, I'm feeling a little miserable. Maybe there is not enough work right now to keep me busy. Usually I am quite thankful for the rest periods between work loads, but those files have been sitting on my boss' desk for weeks and weeks and he has still not touched them. They aren't going to create work for themselves, that's for sure.

Besides that, my patience for answering that telephone is wearing thin. People with attitude. People with stupid questions. People who are freaking out on the phone because the Police have arrived to arrest them. It just seems to go on and on today. I really couldn't care less right now.

I also feel quite miserable because quite possibly the only real friend I have has been drifting further and further away from me and I don't know what to do to bridge the gap. This morning while we chatted on MSN Messenger I confided that I miss her company, and that I am putting my pride aside just to say that. She asked me why it was that I needed to put my pride aside to say something like that. To be honest, I don't know why pride has anything to do with it besides the fact that I feel rather pathetic saying that I miss her. That I might sound lonely and friendless without her, which in essence is true. She says she wants to chat to me later about something regarding why she thinks we don't see much of each other. I'm intrigued to know what she thinks, but worried too. Is it my new found passion for all things active? Do I test her patience by constantly talking about running, Boot Camp, blogging, and my wish to go for nice long walks in the forest? For all of these interests don't seem to be entirely, if at all shared by us.

I really just feel like walking right out of this office and taking a stroll along the canal with the sun warming my skin and the breeze in my hair. I would take my shoes off and sit on the edge of the canal wall and dangle my feet in the cool water. I would listen to the birds twittering in the trees above me, and no one would be demanding my time for things that really have no bearing on my life. Such is life that I am stuck here in an artificially lit office. The best I could do was to escape to a toilet cubicle to take a moment to compose myself after a phone call from a particularly irate client.

During a staff meeting yesterday I asked that when people go in and out of the office they close the door since I am not always sitting in front to watch my personal belongings or to greet clients coming in. If I'm doing something in the back of the office and someone leaves the front door open, clients tend to walk straight into the back office which is strictly for staff. Invariably everyone will turn to stare at me as if it's my fault. Meanwhile I had closed the door before going to the back, but someone had left the office without closing it behind them. This pisses me off because anybody could walk in and rummage through my handbag before anyone realises.

The second issue is that I do a lot of running around in the back office since I'm not only a receptionist, but a secretary to three people. As if I don't do enough running around the office doing my work, people actually expect to go out for a cigarette and ring the doorbell for me to come running to let them in. It's ridiculous. I've asked countless times that people make sure the door is closed behind them and to take their keys with them when they go for a smoke or to the toilet. I always take my key to avoid having to make people get up and buzz the door for me.

Does anybody think I'm over-reacting about this? I certainly don't think so.

And you would think that people would remember to close the door and take their keys since they were spoken to yesterday evening, but no. Still I have to run to open the door. Still the door is left open. For the first couple of times that people went out, they remembered, shaking their keys in the air and giving me a corny smile, which made me feel like I was being silly and unreasonable in my request. But from then on we were back to square one. It's a frustrating, never ending cycle, I tell you.

Anyway, I have been thinking again about what it is that I would really like to do with my life. Even though I have no idea, I'm starting to think that this is not it.

P.S: Since the two questions in the last post are relevant to this one, I'd be grateful if you would give your view on them.

Two Things Amongst all the Babble

I am standing in the office kitchen boiling the kettle for coffee and heating up my lunch when the New Girl comes in, mug in hand.

“So, how are things in the Litigation Department?” she asks, casually stealing the teaspoon I had just washed and put in my mug without me noticing.

“Well, it’s getting busier these days. A little bored when the New Year started and there wasn’t much to do.” I reply, giving just enough of a response so as not to appear rude.

“So would you say that when it comes to Litigation you’re - what’s the word…independent?” She asks, spooning coffee granules into her mug.

“So-so. Pretty much”. I'm getting bored of "work-talk". I couldn’t really care much less.

“I think you should start thinking about moving on to a bigger firm soon, don’t you think?”

“Well, I don’t really –“ I begin, but she cuts me off.

“Oh, not now, of course! But eventually. I mean, you've been here for about two years now, right?”

“Right. But I’m not so much bothered working for a small firm. If I moved it would probably be because of medical aid”. Because it is all about medical aid with me right now.

“My old company had medical aid, so I’m quite pissed off that I don’t have it now. Oh well, I’m here for the work experience anyway.” She says breezily.

The kettle has boiled and she's pouring the steaming water into her mug and stirring. I suddenly remember that I was about to make myself some coffee before she arrived, but when I reach out to grab my spoon, I see that it has in fact disappeared. I look at New Girl and it all clicks into place.

“Did you just steal my teaspoon?” I ask, a little shocked.

It always surprises me when people do things like that, whether they are aware of it or not. It just astounds me that some people walk around in a kind of daze without considering the other people around them.

I know it’s just a teaspoon, but it’s the principle of it all. In this case it was someone taking a teaspoon that I had freshly washed and dried and was about to use.

In other cases it might be someone striding up to the fax machine and tapping out the number when you have just finished shuffling your papers to pop yours in.

It could be someone who takes the last muffin or cupcake when they could see that you had just placed a saucer out for said muffin or cupcake to be enjoyed with a cup of hot coffee that had just been made.

“No! I don’t think so!” New Girl exclaims, looking around her in confusion.

"Yes you did. I'd just washed it".

"Oh, I didn’t realise".

No apology. No attempt to wash another teaspoon to replace the one she'd taken.

Instead, she starts talking once again about work and everything she says is infused with what I start to see as her need to show just how driven she is to get somewhere, and how deeply entrenched she is in her chosen profession.

It annoys me.

Is it wrong that I couldn't really care less about discussing my job and moving up the career ladder? I feel like I should care, that I should be more driven, but I just don’t as much as I used to, or as much as I thought I would.

I understand that she probably is as passionate about her job as she seems, and who knows, maybe she doesn’t know what else to talk to me about. Maybe I'm boring and have this great big wall up around me that she is trying bravely to scale for the sake of small talk between colleagues.

I've wondered about that wall sometimes. Sometimes I can feel it towering high up around me. Invisible, yet frustratingly impenetrable, largely due to my stupid inhibitions. Other times in certain social situations I can feel myself building it up brick by brick, blocking myself off from the friendly advances of others.

Often I catch myself walking around with a frown on my face and wonder what people must think. Is my frown another defence mechanism? As you can tell, I worry about my approachability at times. I like to think of myself as open and easy to talk to, but sometimes I feel that my body language is saying something else entirely.

But it's not always like that, mind you. In fact this past Sunday one of Boyfriend's aunts commented something to the effect that I used to be the shy one and have now come out of my shell quite a lot in the (almost) four years that I've known them. It was nice to hear that because I know it's true. It's frustratingly true that the way I come across to people, largely depends on the company I'm in. With Boyfriends' family, immediate and extended, it has taken me about three years to relax, be myself, and actually feel comfortable around them. It's a hell of a long time. And that, dear readers, is why it's so difficult for me to make friends.

I'm almost certain that people can sense this wall around me which may possibly appear to be a somewhat offish "I'm doing just fine by myself" attitude, but in fact is just protecting my naturally shy, slightly self-doubting self from the world. But if that is in fact true, what am I actually hiding? I feel there really isn't much that I would be ashamed of or worried of being discovered about me.

Even though I have been through some incredibly tough periods of depression, and in fact continue to have these episodes now and then, I do not believe that the depression I feel at times is due to me believing that I am a person who is unworthy of being loved or enjoying a friendship. When I have felt down in the dumps, it usually doesn't have much to do with myself and the ways in which I feel that I might have failed myself or those who know me - the whole "I'm not good enough" vibe. It's usually for an unknown reason (the most frustrating of all to myself and especially Boyfriend), or a general lack of motivation for everyday tasks and the endless days of these everyday tasks which entails the rest of my life stretching out ahead of me.

I guess that what I'm trying to say here is that even though depression is a very isolating condition, I don't think that I can blame it entirely for the fact that I don't have many friends, and that it appears to be hard for me to make any new ones.

It takes quite a while for me to openly, and face to face, refer to a particular person as my friend. Am I being too guarded in this friendship thing?

IN SUMMATION, (because I am known to ramble on and on while switching from one topic to the next and back again), I am pondering the following two points:

• Is the fact that I don't seem to have any real kind of career goal or need to get anywhere in my career something I should spend more time thinking and possibly worrying about? Shouldn't I feel something? Or am I just one of those people who goes to work, gets the work done, and generally just gets on with life. Somehow I feel that my career doesn't define me the way it would someone who works hard at something they love. Someone who's career is a huge part of their life.

• Am I making this whole friend making process into a bigger and harder thing than it really is? Because I don't ever really seem to get anywhere with it.

That is all.

This head has got to go!

Its been a while since I last wrote. In amongst all the usual things that keep me from blogging, such as my job and having Boot Camp in the evenings, I have been suffering from headaches that have come and gone for days on end, the latest having stuck with me for pretty much four days in a row, being from Wednesday until Saturday when it seemed to reach its climax.

Basically I would wake up with a slight pounding in my head, which would develop throughout the day, regardless of any amount or brand of painkillers that I gulped down. Boot Camp seemed to quell it for up to half an hour or so afterwards, but then it would return with a vengeance so that watching TV or even just being awake would be quite unbearable.

Saturday, however started off with me feeling okay. As usual I could feel the ever so slight promise of a headache when I woke up, but had no tablets at home to try to stop it in its tracks. (I've found that the earlier you can catch a headache, the better). I went off to the drop-in Boot Camp, which is an optional extra where friends and family (although only women) may attend to see what Boot Camp is all about. I find that during exercise my headaches tend to take a backseat. Either they disappear for the period of time that I'm exercising, or I just don't seem to notice them as much. According to this article, "during physical activity, your body releases certain chemicals that block pain signals to your brain". I've found that while true, it's relatively temporary in my case.

Anyway, after Boot Camp I took an hour long walk to Boyfriends office as he was expecting clients and therefore wasn't able to pick me up. Of course I didn't mind having to walk one little bit. Any chance to get a bit of exercising in and I'm happy. I had plenty of water, so I hardly think that the headache worsened due to dehydration, but by the time I had arrived I could feel that the pounding in my head had increased. Unfortunately Boyfriend still wasn't able to take me home by that time as more clients were coming in. I elected to wait in the park down the road where I could relax and cool down, as well as reminisce on the carefree days of my past here a lot of my time was spent at that particular park, being around the corner from the last house I lived in with my family before they moved to Bloemfontein.

I had about an hour and a half to spend in my own company, and quite enjoyed it actually. For as long as I can remember I have always been someone who is capable of being quite content in my own company, thinking my own thoughts and doing my own things. In my very much younger days I was always the quiet little girl in a world of her own, dreaming up stories and climbing up my favourite avocado pear tree and singing to myself. (It's true!). Putting on a cream wrap-around skirt of my mother's that flowered out when I twirled around in circles. Swinging around a lamp post in my back garden while singing songs from the musical, "Phantom of the Opera" to myself while my mother listened secretively from the washing line around the corner. Those are sweet, sweet memories. But I am digressing now, and getting caught up in the happy memories of my childhood. Its a change from the unhappy things I usually tend to remember.

During my wait in the park, my headache grew steadily stronger and stronger. Instead of enjoying myself in the peaceful surroundings I found myself closing my eyes and holding my head in my hands, willing the hands on my watch to move faster. Two young boys of about 17 or 18 years old sat smoking and playing music from a cell phone, throwing curious glances my way every once in a while. Eventually I heard the sound of footsteps crushing the sun scorched grass in front of me. I looked up to see that one of the boys was approaching me slowly and uncertainly. When he saw me look up he stopped and glanced towards his friend who remained seated in one of the swings. A look passed between them.

"Come on!" the boy who approached me seemed to be pleading with his eyes. To confirm this, his hand made a slight beckoning gesture, but his friend remained where he was.

When a substantial awkward moment had passed without his friend joining him he turned to me again.

"Um, are you okay?" he asked slowly, his face crinkled with concern.

"I'm okay, thank you. Why?" I asked a little confused.

"Well, its just that you look sad, and you've been here alone for a long time. Is something wrong?"

I smiled and replied that I wasn't sad, but that I just had a really bad headache and that I was just waiting for my boyfriend to finish work so I could go home. I saw him eyeing my clothes and quickly explained that I had just come from an exercise class and had walked to the park from there.

"Oh, so that explains the.....uh" he made a vague gesture towards my sporty clothes and running shoes.

"The clothes, that's right". I finished off.

"So....you're okay then?" he asked again.

"I'm okay, but thank you for asking".

I was pretty touched by the gesture, especially of a boy of his age and in the company of a friend. Somehow its not what I would have expected of a teenager these days.

He bid me goodbye and shortly afterwards the two of them left the park. I could almost imagine the scenarios that must have run through that poor boy's head because of what I must have looked like sitting all by myself for an hour and a half, constantly checking the time and sniffing at intervals. (My nose was bothering me at the time).

Scenario 1 could possibly have been that I had either had a fight with a boyfriend, or that I had been stood up.

Scenario 2 could possibly have been that I was feeling incredibly depressed and suicidal, as I was examining my wrists and inner arms quite a lot. For some reason I had little red itchy spots on my left wrist, which I assume must have been from doing (or attempting to do) push-ups on the grass at Boot Camp. I had also been writing words on my arms with a sharpened stick to pass the time. I'm sure it could have looked quite bad. Had I in fact been suicidal his kindness might have saved my life.

Anyway, all that aside, my headache continued to get worse. When eventually the time came when Boyfriend finished work and could go home, I was in agony. We had quite a lot of grocery shopping to do that day, so I elected to go home and have a rest while he did the shopping, the most important item on the list being "PAINKILLERS!!!".

After my nap I felt quite refreshed until I actually stood up and the blood seemed to rush in all kinds of directions in my head, bringing back the awful pounding. I gratefully gulped down some tablets and waited for the edge of the pain to be taken off, but nothing happened. Hours later I took some more. Eventually I felt it begin to loosen its hold on me, and the muscles in my jaw seemed to relax somewhat, although the pain never disappeared completely.

It seemed that my entire Saturday, save for Boot Camp and my walk to Boyfriend's office, was a complete waste of a day because really I couldn't do anything but complain and hold my head or rub my eyes to try to relieve the pain. I'm prone to headaches anyway, and my mom is the same, so I'm used to getting them, but I can't remember a time when one particular headache lasted this long. Today is relatively okay, although I did take some tablets this morning. While it isn't interfering with my work too much today, I still feel a little heavy-headed and drained from it all.

***In other news: My tooth is now sorted! I can now smile again without feeling nervous when someone is standing to my right. I do, however catch myself trying to curb a big smile into a closed mouth one before remembering that its once again okay to give a toothy grin.

My boss has paid R2 500.00 over to my dentist, which will be deducted from my salary in the amount of R500.00 each month. Unfortunately interest of 8% is going to be charged because apparently he doesn't want to do any favours and I don't want any favours either. (say what? - Isn't that why I'm asking?). Anyway, its a hell of a lot better than putting the whole amount onto credit card, so I'm not complaining at all. Of course I will be making a concerted effort to pay this amount back sooner than the five months or so that it will take with the R500.00 coming off my salary.

My dentist surprised me by knocking off a further R500.00 from his fee, which I was very touched by. His reason was that I've been a patient of his for many, many years now, and he'd like to help me as much as he can. Of course when he looks into my mouth he probably sees plenty of work to keep the money rolling in, but anyway. The scary thing is that he's right. I've noticed that there are about two teeth that are looking as if they are going the very same way as the one I've just had work on. I suppose I don't need to express how terrifying that prospect is for me. I will definitely need to look into a medical aid plan of some sort.

My Sunday was full of swimming, drinking Brutal Fruits (because my headache had finally disappeared), good food, and little children running around at a braai with the Boyfriend's extended family. At least all that made up for Saturday. Except that I am now thoroughly exhausted. So much so that I would gladly trade this evenings Boot Camp for my nice cosy bed.

That's gotta tell you something!

Teething problems

My visit to the dentist yesterday confirmed my fear. I will need to get a crown. Another one.

"A Crown (CAP) - A crown is a cemented restoration that covers or replaces the crown of a natural tooth. It reproduces the morphology (shape) and contours of the original tooth.A crown replaces the missing tooth structure so as to allow protection of the tooth to further damage, and enhances the aesthetics."

Crowns are expensive. The general quote is about R5 000.00, but because I'm not on medical aid, money is tight, and because I used to be pretty much a regular, my dentist has agreed to do it for R3 500.00. Although I'm very grateful for the reduced fee, it's still a heck of a lot of money to try to come up with since I just don't have it. Quite frankly I don’t know what to do.

So I have to come up with this R3 500.00 by Thursday next week. In my usual manner when it comes to a crisis, I have been trying hard not to think about it too much. But I know that something must be organised. Something must be done. But where do I get the money? I'm not on any medical aid. I don't have spare funds lying around somewhere. I don’t have rich parents.

Boyfriend suggested that I ask my boss for a loan, since he doesn’t provide medical aid for his staff, even when I approached him and asked if he would think about it. The answer was no. I would obviously try to pay back the loaned money as fast as possible. Hopefully the idea here is that it would be an interest free loan. But I would feel so awkward asking my boss for an extra R3 500.00 over and above my salary, even if I am paying it back. I don’t even know if asking your boss for a loan is frowned upon or not. Somehow I feel that I would be overstepping the boundary of what is and isn't acceptable in the workplace.

Since I am the kind of person who desperately needs medical aid when it comes to my teeth, Boyfriend and my Mom are suggesting that I look for employment elsewhere with a company that does offer it, along with a pension fund if possible. But medical aid is the really important one here. But I don’t really want to move to another company. Its partly because I enjoy the environment here and partly because of fear of change. I could probably make more money elsewhere, but I'm comfortable here. And I know all about the comfort zone.

I've been working here for over two years, and I do think that I should probably be earning more. When it comes to raise / increase discussions it is always an uphill battle, and nobody ever really gets close to what they think is acceptable. I'm sure that is usually the case, but to start off with, I certainly don’t think I'm getting what I'm worth, and I'm sure a lot of people here are feeling the same way.

What do you think about asking a boss for a loan? Right or Wrong? Because I don’t really have any other way.

However, there is one very last resort, and that is to put in on Boyfriend's credit card. I would rather not do that. He would especially rather not do that because loads of interest will be added to that so that we may as well not have had a discount in the first place.

Of course because I need this crown urgently as about 80% of my freaking tooth cracked and broke off, we asked my dentist to make a start on the procedure. So basically what he's done is drilled away about 15% or more of the bit of tooth that managed not to fall off, and has left a very little bit for the crown to join onto. Ive had this procedure before, so Im not nearly as scared and freaked out as I was with the first one. Not to mention that the first one was one of my front teeth.

I know you are all probably thoroughly grossed out by now, but honestly, the crown at the front has made a world of difference by helping me feel a teensy weensy bit more confident when smiling. Thankfully this second tooth is on the right hand side of my jaw. Still slightly visible if I smile widely, but not nearly as bad as a front tooth. I just have to remember not to smile too widely at anybody while they are standing on my right. Ya, I dont really see me remembering.

I still cant quite get my mind around what to do about this money. In any case my Boss is not going to be in on Monday because he's moving to a fancy house he is renting while his home gets renovated. I dont even think I'll see much of him on Tuesday either. That doesnt leave much time to discuss the matter with him if I do indeed decide to do so.

You see, this is why it is so important that I have made a resolution to make provsion for times like these. It could take the edge off a large sum like R3 500.00, if not pay for it entirely. And with this crisis, another resolution has been put on the back burner, because I am now biting my nails again with worry. And I wasnt really doing all that badly either.

Finally, some answers for the tag!

Okay, I'm finally getting around to this. Free time on the computer has been so rare lately with work being as hectic as it has for the past two days, and with me having Boot Camp after work. So without further ado...

• I have a tattoo of a bee on my lower back, for which I got the general (and I mean very general) shape from a stencil, sketching the details on afterwards. I pretty much sketched the thing just before leaving home to go to the tattoo parlour. Since I finally have a camera phone (Samsung E370), I had hoped that I could post a picture of it, but I haven't finished the installation of whatever it is that I need to install to put pictures from my phone onto the computer. Why a bee, you ask? Well, to be honest I don't really know. The only thing I can think of that is vaguely relative is that when I was small I used to pick bees up and get stung most of the time. The very last time I got stung was in my foot, which swelled up to a scarily enormous proportion.

• My father used to live in Clonmel, Ireland some years ago, where I visited him for three months from June 2003 until September 2003. Because he was having difficulty finding a job restoring and building models (preferably of the maritime variety), he used to drive buses for an old Irish man who owned a bus and undertaking business. For some reason there is a lot of that in Ireland, although I don't know how the two relate. This Irish man's undertaking business was where I saw my first dead person, already made presentable with make up and lying in the coffin.
  
  Anyway, since I was staying with my father, who didn't make much money anyway, he had to work extra shifts to have enough to support me for those three months. He would either be doing the school route, which I preferred not to go on, or he would do the long runs into the countryside, taking people to places of interest, which of course was perfect for me as a tourist. with a group of Italian exchange students I got to visit the Waterford Crystal factory, which designed and created the Times Square Millennium Ball, which was pretty awesome. Its amazing what these craftsmen can do. The pub hopping with the Americans was an awesome experience as well. Since the majority of people in the group were Americans, we visited all the traditional pubs where there was live traditional music and lots of dancing and singing. Of course with all the high spirits I was bought a drink or two at each pub and got to join in with them, although I don't remember names, or even if I was told any of their names. It really was an awesome time.

• Yes, I did have a toenail ripped off because a boy didn't want to accept that I didn't want to play kiss-catch with him. Because my mom was a nurse at the time (the daycare was on the hospital premises specifically for hospital employees' kids), she was contacted and I was rushed off to see a doctor. My toe (the little one) was numbed and stitched up. Luckily my nail has grown back, thank goodness, since my feet are the one part of my body that I'm openly vain about. (Boyfriend just cant understand it).

• Yes, people did comment on the fact that it was strange that I'd received a much larger gift for Art than for, say, the person getting an award for Mathematics, etc. When I walked into the bookshop and saw an omnibus that I thought I'd enjoy, it didn't even occur to me that it people would assume that I'd bought it on purpose because of its size. To be honest, I thought I'd enjoy the book, and I wanted to get value for the gift voucher I had received. I have a photo somewhere of myself holding the book while still in its wrapping paper, and every time I see it I feel a little embarrassed at the idea that it looks to other people that I was trying to look better and more favoured than everyone else up there on the stage with me.

• This last one is the blooper. Looking back on it, it looks pretty obvious! (I especially think so since all of you guessed correctly). But imagine that, I'm not that shallow and materialistic people! But seriously, there was a guy and he was pretty rich, however I didn't benefit in any way from it as he was quite the stingy, showy off kind of guy (what the hell was I thinking?!?). The fact that he was rich and was a bit of an asshole was what made people assume that I was with him purely for money. It sounds a terrible thing, but even some members of my family thought it possible that I might do something like that. Nice family, huh? Anyway, I liked him quite a lot at the time, and therefore was blind to his faults, which were many. And yes, he was a drummer, which I do think is pretty hot. But he's an ass.

On to other important matters. I went ten pin bowling last night and I won!! I actually won!! The first time in my life. I took my last shot without knowing it was my last chance, and got a bit upset with myself for not doing it better, so I stalked back to Boyfriend and Brother, who exclaimed that I had won. I quickly declared that in that case I wasn't so upset after all, even going so far as to actually clap my hands with glee. I had, however, only won by one point, with Brother following at my heels. But winnings winning, right? Hehe! But I've always wanted to win a game, and being my very first time, I will continue to gloat until everybody's sick of it.

Now I must get changed into my cute little pair of white shorts (what was I thinking?! Shorts?! I'm not a teeny tiny shorts kinda girl!), and an equally cute white sports top and contemplate the pain I will be feeling in 45 minutes when I am hefting those hateful weights in the air.

Oh, and did I mention that I won my very first game of ten pin bowling?

(From yesterday): Before Monday morning officially started I was quite excited

I hate when I come to work in a good mood and then circumstances work against me keeping that good mood for longer than an hour at most. Monday mornings. How I love them.

There surely cant be many things worse than working on a Shareholders Agreement. I hate them with a passion. They always seem to be covered in red and blue tracked changes, which multiply as the agreement gets emailed back and forth between the respective parties. Then there is me, making changes of my own, and trying to make the document look vaguely acceptable because somehow when other people besides me make changes on a document the formatting always gets screwed up.

This document is a thick wad of approximately 60 pages which all have to be reformatted by the time the client comes this afternoon. I shouldnt really be taking lunch, but I need this break because I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at all the deadlines that are suddenly looming.

So I am walking around with a scowl on my face instead of the bright, happy smile of this morning.

All that aside though, the reason Im feeling excited is that Adventure Boot Camp starts this evening!

While I am excited at exercising each evening with a group of women, I am also quite nervous at the fact that I will be arriving alone and friendless. I have been chomping my nails since this morning at the thought of meeting new people. But I am mostly just nervous about doing something new. It's all the obvious worries about whether I'll get there on time and whether I'll find the right entrance.

I have no doubt that I will enjoy myself, and that I will almost definitely end up with at least one person that I feel comfortable chatting to, but I really, really wish that my best, and probably only real friend had registered with me. It was something I thought we could do together.

ABC obviously appealed to me because of the programme, but also a large part due to the fact that it can feel quite lonely and solitary to make the decision to work out and take care of your body when there is no one around you who shares the same interest in it. I enjoy my solitude while running, but sometimes I wish I had someone to accompany me. Someone with whom I can share the passion and drive with.

Anyway, I am pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm doing this on my own, and I've thought about it and thought about it, and really, it can't be that difficult to relax a little and make a buddy or two, even if it is just for the duration of the programme.

Yesterday I went shopping for some more gym-type clothes, which I then modelled for Boyfriend, while he nodded and made the appropriate sounds before quickly returning his attention to the Playstation.

I got Boyfriend to measure my arms, thighs, hips and chest last night, to be filled out on a pre and post camp evaluation sheet, and then packed my new gym clothes, running shoes, water bottle, and two hand weights in my bag ready for the next morning.

I always take the stairs at work which is both healthier and faster than the elevator. I think that just about everyone in my office insists on taking the elevator even though it is incredibly slow and tends to get people stuck inside it once in a while. Initially the stairs used to leave me panting for breath, but over the past year or so that I've been taking them I got used to it. This morning, however, my thighs strained a little, and I was panting slightly when I reached the top. All that from the extra 4 kilograms I'm carrying in my gym bag! It's all good though. It's just that little bit extra exercise.

So today is the beginning of a month of exercising with other people who share the same determination to get themselves into shape and feel great. It's an exciting prospect, and I'm ready to work hard at it.

And now my lunchtime is over. Back to the grindstone and that frigging Shareholders Agreement. Hopefully it will have magically disappeared off my desk and possibly landed up in the bin? Shredded?

I can only hope.

(Answers to the Tag below will follow soon, I promise.)

UPDATE: Boot Camp was great! I was left a little surprised at how tough some of the exercises were on me, considering that I exercise every weekday morning. But then we were working muscles that dont really get used when running, so I probably shouldnt feel all that surprised.

My arms are very, very stiff. Playing around with my 2kg weights at home by doing simple arms curls was easy enough, but having to hold them with my arms out at shoulder level for a couple of minutes at Boot Camp, after having done a load of other arm exercises beforehand was tough. Very tough. But, I will get used to it in time. Hopefully.

Yay for exercise!!

P.S: Today isnt exactly going smoothly either. Hoping things will calm down at work from tomorrow onwards.

Tag along fun

I've been tagged by Rigmor!

I'm not really one for tagging, (mostly because I might just suck at it), but I'll give it a shot anyway. Because tagging can be fun if it stays well away from chain mail and cutesy email type status. (which is number one on my list of pet hates).

The idea is that I'll give you five statements about myself, four of which will be true, leaving one as false. You have to guess which one is false. Hmmm, now let me see...

• I have an insect tattoo somewhere on my body, which I designed more or less on the spur of the moment before going to get myself inked.

• I once lived in Ireland for three months and managed to see the sights by travelling around on busses and getting into places absolutely free of charge. Even going pub hopping with a large group of Americans who were in Ireland to attend a friend's wedding, none of whom I knew even the slightest.

• Once I lost a toenail when I ran into a support beam of a jungle-gym when trying to escape an over zealous boy playing kiss-catch.

• In school I won an award for Art. All those who were getting awards for various subjects were given a book voucher to buy a "gift" that would be presented along with the actual award certificate at the awards ceremony. Once we had all walked up on stage to receive our certificates and gifts, it became apparent that I had the largest gift by far, which some people commented on, saying that it must be some achievement for me to get such a big gift in comparison to everyone else.

• I once went out with a guy just because he was rich, lived in a fancy big house, and drove a nice car. Oh, and he was a musician (drummer), which is pretty hot.

So there you have it. Have a good old guess then.

Answers to follow....

I tag Ant, Toast, and Leonie.

Its all relevant, so who cares if Im being an exeptionally lazy blogger today!

In the spirit of good intentions for the New Year regarding diet, have a quick read of this.

Or dont.

It's up to you.

Resolutions: Same Old, Same Old

When it comes to making resolutions for the New Year I'm the kind of person who goes about it in a half-hearted fashion. Even as I write them down I just know deep down that its going to be impossible to keep them, so why bother.

You might wonder why I bother thinking about it and writing them down in the first place. But I am a person of good intentions, even if they dont often come about, so this year I've decided that I will continue to make resolutions (although admittedly they are pretty much the same that I make every year), with the difference that I will possibly, maybe, hopefully manage to keep some of them if not all of them.

So here goes….My New Years Resolutions for 2007 are:

*drum roll*

• Drink more water. Try to get up to drinking at least 1 and a half to 2 litres a day. (made yearly).

• Keep up my running routine, and try to improve upon it. (made yearly as "be more active", or "try to exercise more", so this one has been improved upon to some degree).

• Try harder to stop biting my nails. (Even as I write this I'm chomping away!). (Definitely made yearly!).

• Make an effort to be more patient and therefore to complain less. (Pretty much made yearly).

• Stop getting library fines! (It’s a stupid waste of money that could be put to better use!). (This one's a newbie).

• Get my Learners License (Again!) and actually make an effort to drive as often as possible in order to become as confident as possible so that I can book my Driving Test. Because come on already!

• Try to replace all negative thoughts with positive ones to avoid depression. (Not too sure if this has been an actual resolution in the past, but it has always been an intention in my mind, and I have always told myself that it is something I should try to do more regularly. I've never really succeeded at it though).

• Go for an HIV/AIDS test. (This resolution is a totally new one to me. I've always been terrified of having the test taken, and not for the reason one might expect. It's the needle prick and the taking of blood that freaks me out the most. I'm terrified of needles! That's why I've never gone for the test. It's also why, despite perfectly good intentions, I haven't donated blood (yet). It's something I would like to do, but geez, call me when there's a better way to go about it please! Some time ago my office did a voluntary HIV / AIDS survey, where the blood test results would not be divulged even to the person who had taken part in the survey, and barcodes were used instead of our names to protect our identity. Despite being terrified of the needle, I decided I couldnt be the only one to chicken out, and went ahead with the survey. When it came time to prick my finger I very quietly freaked out, but let the nurse get on with it anyway. Surprisingly it wasnt bad at all, which has led me to believe that I could do it again, but this time to get my results. I've always thought that the HIV / AIDS campaign where there are billboards up, or radio adverts where a person states that they know their status, and then ask, "do you?" is a good one. I think it's important that everyone knows their status.

• Make a provision for health issues, i.e: dentist or doctor, etc. (This is also a newbie, which has come about due to a tooth cracking and actually breaking off recently. Normally I'm very lazy when it comes to my health, prefering to just get over a cold or cough instead of running to the doctor every time and running up massive medical bills. My tooth has made me come to realise that I should probably stop being so lazy / unphased about my health, and get fixed whatever is breaking or has broken instead of constantly putting it off due to being too terrified. Of course this mostly applies to my teeth, since the issues I have with them arent the sort that will just get better, like a cold or cough, etc.).

• Take part in a 5km fun run, and see just how far I can manage to run. (This is definitely a newbie since I only started running more seriously in September 2006. The only race, besides the Cape Times Big Walk, that I took part in was the 10km that I did in October, I think it was. Instead of taking part in the running group of the 10km, I opted to join the walking group, since I have no real idea of my capabilities when it comes to running a race. I would like to at least make an attempt to take part in a 5km run just to be able to guage my ability).

• Try to work on my listening and communication skills. (This is another yearly one! But it's a very difficult one when Boyfriend starts talking about cars and how they work, and what bike he's now decided to buy (which changes almost weekly), etc. My mind kind of shuts down and I start thinking about other things while doing the obligatory nodding of the head and appropriate "uhuh" and so forth.

• Finally, finally, finally finish the "Horse & Lion" pencil drawing I started in either Grade 11 or Matric (2000 or 2001). (This one is a newbie because I am getting sick of seeing it hanging on my bedroom wall with a huge white section that really just needs to be shaded in. You see! With all the good intentions I've had over the years to finish it, it still isn't done!)

While I could probably come up with some more resolutions...in fact, I know I thought of other things but just cant quite remember what they are at this moment...I dont want to overload myself with too many, considering that keeping past resolutions hasn't seemed to work for me so well. (Note how many are yearly ones!).

Due to my pretty pathetic attempts at keeping resolutions, I shall narrow the list down to the things that I think I could probably handle (eh, maybe, not so sure, but we'll see about that). Of course the idea is to manage all 12, but on a realistic scale I somehow dont think it's going to be possible.

My Substantially Narrowed-Down List of Resolutions:

• Running (Im pretty certain I'll be able to keep this one up).

• Drink Water! (With a bit of determination I suppose I could do this one).

• Get Learners License! (Well, this one is a must. I'm pretty certain that this one will be accomplished - infact, I should be booking the test tomorrow!).

• Stop Biting Nails! (Eh! Ya! We'll see about this one).

• No More Library Fines! (Well, I am pathetically lazy when it comes to walking over the bridge to take library books back. I know I can do this one if I just try hard enough. How hard can it be?! But we are talking about me here, so....).

• Finish "Horse & Lion" pencil drawing already! (This just has to be done! No excuses! To prove just how little I actually have to do, please see below picture. Note that the camera flash was reflecting off the shiny pencil. Scanning would solve the problem, but I dont have easy access to one).
  
  My step-father is a very goal orientated person, and while we were having supper at Ocean Basket that Friday when I managed to throw a dart at my foot, we had a discussion about making goals for 2007 as opposed to making resolutions. I think the two are pretty much the same, save for one distinctive difference.

To me personally, goals are more clearly defined than resolutions. Goals tend to have a time-frame in which they should be completed. While you could say that resolutions also have a time-frame, such as the year ahead from when they are made at the beginning of each new year, I tend to see them as having a more general purpose in my life than goals do. To me, resolutions are guidlines that I wish to live my life by one day. Maybe that is the reason I dont often succeed in keeping these resolutions. Maybe I need to label them as goals, and set a (generous at first) time-frame by which time I can assess my progress. Maybe that is just the motivation someone like me needs.

My step-father asked each one of us where we think we will be in the next five years, and what we want to have accomplished by that time. Those are tough questions. It's difficult for me to look forward and speculate on how my life will be, where I'll be living, what I'll be doing with my life / career, etc. I've always struggled with that. I'd much prefer to set goals with a shorter time-frame so that they don't get forgotten, and so that I don't grow bored and lose interest in them. But goals are difficult for me to form. As such I don't really know where I'm heading. It's pretty sad, really. I come to work, do my work, and then go home. I don't feel that my career defines me like it does a lot of people. While I do enjoy my job on some level, I'm not entirely sure that working in a legal environment is what I really want to be doing long-term. For now though, it is okay. It pays my rent and affords me the independance of living in my own place, even if I have to rely on Boyfriend's salary to feed me.

Boyfriend's general response to the five-year-questions are that there's no real point in stating what he would like to have achieved in five years, or where he will be at that time. He says that since there are countless things that can happen during those five years, what is the point in saying or writing down goals for such a long period of time when its quite unlikely that they may be accomplished?

I understand his point of view completely, but I also think it's wise to spend some time thinking about where you are in life and where you are heading in the future. I've been encouraging him to talk about what he wants to do with himself, etc, and what do you know? A list, albeit a short one, began to form. Now he just needs to give them the label of "goal" or "resolution", and there we go! I think he was a little surprised that it wasnt so difficult afterall.

So, armed with this list of resolutions, here's to a Brand New Year for all of us!

And here's hoping that all of us who compiled a list of resolutions will have the strength of character to stick them out at least until the end of the year!

(...err..or this month...)

Could I have another holiday please?

Well, Christmas was certainly different this year. It was quite an important one in that this new year holds a lot of changes for my family. Not really changes that will affect me too much (except for one), but they are changes nonetheless.

This year my step-dad will be moving to the UK where he will work as a Chartered Accountant. He's qualified as a CA already, but needs to complete whatever courses or exams are required to be able to practice in the UK. My mom will continue to live in Bloemfontein (literally meaning "flower fountain") as my step-dad doesnt want to sell the house just yet, and would like to rent it out to people once my mom moves out and joins him.

One of the big reasons my mother will be staying in Bloem is because my Gran moved up there sometime last year, and needs to have someone around to keep an eye on her every now and then. I think she's had about two or three strokes already, which have affected her speech and co-ordination. She's getting very frail and very slow, and has even started forgetting her word tenses.

Since my uncles' very unexpected death, (her son), she has been very emotional aswell, which we witnessed when she opened her Christmas presents. Her eyes welled up with tears and she had difficulty getting her words out. I was touched then. What I really wanted to do, since I was the closest person to her, was to get up and put my arm around her. But I am sometimes stiff and awkward when it comes to showing affection towards other people other than those I see on a regular basis. And I am sometimes funny when it comes to old people, finding it difficult to communicate with and be patient with them, yet at other times finding them so sweet and endearing, as well as being a wealth of interesting stories and information. So in the end I didnt jump and go to her as I imagined in my head. Sometimes I wish I could just relax and forget about silly little inhibitions...

Another pretty major reason why my mother will be staying in Bloem is that her house is home to about 13 cats and 1 dog, the last time I counted. It is impossibly difficult to comprehend what to do with so many feline friends. Splitting them up when they each have their own favourite buddy would be far too heartbreaking. And these cats are not old, mind you. I predict a long stay in Bloem before my mother is able to join my step-dad in the UK.

Reason three for my mother staying in Bloem is that she will be studying Theology this year, which she is quite excited about. Its interesting to note here that since I was a little girl my only wishes (as in make a wish on a star, or make a wish when you reach the centre of a maze) were that:

a) my parents would get together again.

With age and maturity it became obvious that this wish was futile. If anything, my parents are better off divorced and living their own lives than they ever were married.

AND

b) that my mother would let go of her anger at the church that let her down when she most needed it, and that she would find God again.

While I am not the most religious person around, I like to think that there is a God up there watching over us. Christianity in any case creates good people who are happy and optimistic and perfectly happy with their lot in life. People who arent shallow and concerned with the petty things in life. I wanted that for my mother. Over time I assumed that this wish was also futile, but look! Some wishes do come true afterall!

Anyway, my brother was supposed to be going over to the UK aswell to work for 2 years, but has now decided that he wants to move back to Cape Town. The idea here is that Boyfriend and I will look for a bigger place so that my brother can stay with us, paying rent of course. This arrangement will last for at least a year, and hopefully by that time we will be able to afford the place ourselves, and my brother will be able to find his own place. Only time will tell.

This Christmas holiday is probably the last time that we will all be able to get together in Bloemfontein, so you can see why it was such an important one. A lot of emphasis was placed on family time because of it.

I had a great time this holiday, despite some things that worked hard to stop me (and a few others) from enjoying the holiday to the full. But they say that bad things happen in threes, so hopefully this will be the end of my streak of bad luck. Sadly my mom and brother are still on Bad Thing Number 1, (if you can count my mom's one as a Bad Thing).

Anyway, things that went wrong (to me and some of those around me):


1) On the drive up to Bloemfontein I noticed that my throat was sore, which quickly went away on my arrival. Unfortunately it flared up again about 2 or 3 days later so that the second half of the Christmas holiday was spent with a tissue permanently stuck to my nose and with a head that never ceased pounding. I also succeeded in sharing my germs with boyfriend who, on more than one occassion, looked at me through glazed eyes and asked "why are you putting me through this?"

As the new year approached we began dosing ourselves with just about everything we could find in my mother's medicine cabinet. While Boyfriend seemed to perk up a bit, I remained stuffy headed and miserable.

2) On Friday afternoon I managed to stab my right foot with a dart, something that can only happen to me. Im not quite sure how that happened. There I was, happily playing darts, when one that I had thrown somehow hit the board, bounced, spun around, and then stabbed me in the foot, just below the toes. While it was sore, it was probably on par with hitting your freezing cold fingers against something. Sore, but eventually the pain goes away. I showed the wierd little hole that it had made to Boyfriend, but by the time I showed my mother it had already started bleeding. Quite a lot for such a small puncture wound. My foot was a little tender when I walked, but that was to be expected. On went a plaster and everything appeared to be fine.

Unfortunately it wasnt as clean cut as that. After sitting at the computer playing "Soldier of Fortune" for about half an hour or so, I found that my foot had swollen quite a bit so that my toes looked like those mini pork sausages. I couldnt put my weight on the foot and resorted to hobbling around the house, using tables and chairs to keep me from toppling over. The pain was excruciating.

That night we went out for supper at Ocean Basket. I managed to get my feet into some slops because I wasnt sure if my right foot would manage to sqeeze into my takkies, but even the slops were a little tight. Throughout supper I could feel a dull pain pulsing through my foot, but was afraid to take my slops off incase I wouldnt be able to put them on again. By the end of supper I really found it difficult to walk, so Boyfriend graciously offered to give me a piggy back to the car.

Thankfully the next day the swelling had gone down a little bit, and I could walk, even if at snails pace, although I still had a problem bending my toes downwards. (As in the ballerina toe-point. Why I would need to strike up the ballerina toe-point pose, I dont know). Strangely pointing my toes upwards is not so much a problem.

I was determined to go out on New Years Eve, even if I didnt have loads of drinks or dance all night, so I dosed myself heavily with headache tablets and vitamin C tablets, got all dressed up, did my hair and make-up and sqeezed my feet into my high heels. Although the swelling in my right foot had mostly gone down, my right shoe was still a teensy weensy bit tighter than the left. It turned out that high heels was not a smart move. Stones had decided to have a beach party of sorts, and had coated the dance floor with a thick layer of beach sand, (or sand from somewhere, since Bloemfontein is landlocked and therefore hasnt got any beaches). When I eventually decided to dance, the heels of my stilettoes sank effortlessly into the soft sand so that my high heels became flat shoes and I was left leaning back at an awkward angle. Not fun.

Just before we left for Stones, my brother had managed to fall (read, "get pushed") into some (thorny) bushes that line the front porch of the house. My brother, Boyfriend and my step-brother had been playing a game of darts, and had come up with some silly game where they all had to speak Afrikaans (Bloem being a very Afrikaans place afterall). If any of them forgot this rule and spoke in English, the others had the right to give him a good old shove or punch in the arm, or something to that effect. Clearly my dear old brother forgot the rule and was sent tumbling into the bushes. He cut his knee open quite badly, as well as his jeans.

Now, my brother had been hobbling around Stones in the beginning until he declared that the alcohol was beginning to numb it. He made the mistake of sitting too long and then trying to dance afterwards. It was not a good idea, and we left soon afterwards due to his knee hurting too much and to mine and Boyfriends throats beginning to burn again. (Note to self: Smoky environments are not good for sore throats that are trying to mend themselves!)

Part of our leaving early was due to the fact that Boyfriend and I had to drive home the very next day. Yep! After celebrating New Years Eve we had a few hours of sleep before embarking on an 11 or so hour drive back to Cape Town. So we left the club and made our way back home. In hindsight it was probably a good thing that I wasnt feeling 100% on Sunday night since quite often Im quite a difficult one to get off the dance floor to go home. I think that if Boyfriend and I weren't so sick, if my right foot wasnt wedged so tightly into my shoe, if there wasnt such a thick coating of sand strewn upon the dance floor, and if my brother's knee wasnt so badly injured, I might have had an awesome time and insisted on staying later. Something I definately would have regretted deeply when I had to wake up to leave for Cape Town. But there are a lot of "ifs" in that sentence.

3) On the morning of our drive back home, I was sitting at the kitchen table eating my cereal and chatting to my mom and Boyfriend when I found myself crunching away at a particularly hard bit of cereal. So hard in fact that it seemed I was eating rocks or crushed glass. Well, it turned out that the cracked tooth that I have been too afraid to get fixed had finally decided that it was as good a time as any to chip off. Quite a large chunk came loose. But you know, I was so expecting that to happen while I was in Bloem, only I thought it would happen sooner.

What came later, after I had arrived home and had a shower, was even worse. Another whole chunk came loose!! Now, if I smile too widely and turn my face just so, I kind of look like a homeless person. Its awful! So I am trying hard not to smile too much or too wide at the moment, until I can get it all fixed up. It is so embarassing. Ive got a history with my teeth, and not a very good one. They are crap. No good, and there is always something that needs work on. Dont get me wrong. I look okay, but there are quite a few fillings, and a number of operations on the troublesome ones that you wont know about on looking at me. Im very nervous about my teeth, and having someone poking around, especially taking into account the number of times Ive been hurt by a dentist, is a fear that just keeps growing and growing as I get older. Hence the fact that I left this tooth until now. Call me stupid, but Im just plain terrified. (Do I count the second chip as a fourth bad thing? I dont think so really. Id like to think its a three or nothing rule and say that both chips were all part of the same Bad Thing).

Anyway, considering my not-quite-healed right foot, my stuffy head cold (or whatever it was), and my chipped tooth, it was lucky that the drive home only took us 7 and a half hours to complete! Im not sure how thats possible, but it happened. Boyfriend found a good driving partner (also driving a BMW, and also from Cape Town), who he could drive with. Never having said a word to each other, and only with a bit of flashing of lights or handwaves to point out a speed camera, they kept pace with each other at about 160kms an hour for most of the trip.

Keeping pace with someone else meant that he was far more awake than he would normally be, and that meant that I could read or snooze a bit when I wanted instead of having to keep him company. And boy did I need those little naps! Going from such a high altitude to a lower one really played havoc with my sinuses and I ended up feeling even more stuffy headed and miserable. I think, if Im not mistaken, that Bloemfontein is about 2 kilometers higher than Cape Town. Dont hold me to that though.

My mom's Bad Thing was that when we went ten pin bowling she managed to rip her thumb nail quite badly while rolling the ball. Id say thats a pretty Bad Thing, especially since I have such trouble getting my nails to grow in the first place, so having one ripped off would very much piss me off.

Hopefully now I will be left alone to recover and begin this new year the way every new year should begin. With good cheer, optimism for the year ahead, and a fresh and renewed spirit to tackle things head on.

Right now though, having had little sleep, feeling tired, drained and very sick, its difficult to feel upbeat about the new year ahead, because really, what a start Ive had! I definately need another holiday so that I can recover from this one just passed.

Happy New Year everyone!!