Drained

I feel incredibly blue today. On top of this I feel hugely tired and worn out, which Im sure is a consequence of my mood.

I have tried to put my foot down and I have tried to wait it out. I have tried to keep the peace to keep the household running smoothly, but now I think Im done trying to do anything. I feel completely walked over and taken advantage of.

I cannot take anymore of the tension and the constant bitching about everything and everyone.

Why wont anyone take us seriously when we try to speak out about our unhappiness with the situation? And why is everyone else allowed to say enough is enough, but when we do the same nothing changes?

Im tired of being the middleman for each and every issue that crops up.

Im so, so tired of all this. Physically and emotionally.

I wont even try to explain just yet.

I cant get myself all worked up here in the office.

What am I really like?

It hit me when I was sitting on the train on my way home from work one day. I had been staring thoughtlessly at the ground when a tiny gem of a thought had flittered in from nowhere and sparked off a self-realisation that was hard to put down.

There is a point in any situation where you are able to make the ultimate decision over what your reaction or response is going to be when presented with any given information or a developing situation. Its the briefest moment of chance where the situation can go either way, and you have the power to determine what the general outcome of that situation will be.

In that moment on the train, with the carriage gently rocking me deeper into my reverie, and the late afternoon sun streaming into the windows causing those opposite me to squint their eyes from the glare, I finally understood myself just a little bit more than I had done before.

It occured to me that the majority of the time where I'm afforded the opportunity in choosing how it is that Im going to react, I fail to make the correct choice, even though I have recognised that window of opportunity. There have been countless times where I could have put a good spin on a bad situation. Where I could have stopped myself from reacting negatively, thereby not allowing the situation to grow worse.

For example, the one day I was on the train when I got a phonecall from my Boyfriend saying that I would have to walk home from the station, but that he would meet me half way, as my brother, not having his own transport at the moment, had taken the car out, and had mistakenly taken the bike keys along with him.

For that very brief moment I could have made a choice based on the fact that there was nothing to be done that could change the situation. I could have said to myself that sure, even though it was an inconvenience it wasnt very far to walk, and maybe I would find the walk to be enjoyable. But of course I chose to be upset by those circumstances beyond my control. I expressed irritableness and remained grumpy for a large part of the walk home, whereas I could so easily have decided to make light of it and just deal with the situation without getting all upset about it.

My point here is that its as if I neither felt upset or okay about it. It was as if I was in a limbo where I was still deciding on how it was that I was going to feel about having to walk home instead of being picked up from the station. Usually it doesnt really matter to me how Im going to react, but of course my reactions have consequences when it comes to how someone else responds to my reactions. Its almost as if Im pushing the boundaries. Trying to see how much I can get away with.

A lot of the time I dont even feel all that upset about whatever situation has arisen, yet I choose to express irritation, which more often than not creates an even worse situation, with Boyfriend or whoever concerned, getting upset with me for the way in which I'm reacting. Making that decision to be upset rather than letting the issue go actually results in me starting to feel real irritation and anger at whatever has happened. So in effect I have the chance to create my mood, and nine times out of ten - and as strange as this may sound, I choose to create a bad mood by responding with a bad attitude to the situation that has presented itself.

Sometimes I think I do it because its the way in which I feel I should react. As if its the accepted and expected response to a particular situation. Yes, one would expect that I would be upset about having to walk home from the train station after work instead of being picked up as I usually am, but do I really have to act accordingly? Surely all I need do is express that I am upset about it, but adopt the attitude that nothing can be done about it but to just walk home and make the best of it?

Its a very strange concept, and Im not sure if anyone else has experienced this and come to notice it in their personality.

All of this lead me to ask myself: "What am I really like, since Im often expressing feelings that I didnt really even feel in the first place?".

Such is my life

Today, although I should be feeling relieved that it is Friday, I'm feeling a little miserable. Maybe there is not enough work right now to keep me busy. Usually I am quite thankful for the rest periods between work loads, but those files have been sitting on my boss' desk for weeks and weeks and he has still not touched them. They aren't going to create work for themselves, that's for sure.

Besides that, my patience for answering that telephone is wearing thin. People with attitude. People with stupid questions. People who are freaking out on the phone because the Police have arrived to arrest them. It just seems to go on and on today. I really couldn't care less right now.

I also feel quite miserable because quite possibly the only real friend I have has been drifting further and further away from me and I don't know what to do to bridge the gap. This morning while we chatted on MSN Messenger I confided that I miss her company, and that I am putting my pride aside just to say that. She asked me why it was that I needed to put my pride aside to say something like that. To be honest, I don't know why pride has anything to do with it besides the fact that I feel rather pathetic saying that I miss her. That I might sound lonely and friendless without her, which in essence is true. She says she wants to chat to me later about something regarding why she thinks we don't see much of each other. I'm intrigued to know what she thinks, but worried too. Is it my new found passion for all things active? Do I test her patience by constantly talking about running, Boot Camp, blogging, and my wish to go for nice long walks in the forest? For all of these interests don't seem to be entirely, if at all shared by us.

I really just feel like walking right out of this office and taking a stroll along the canal with the sun warming my skin and the breeze in my hair. I would take my shoes off and sit on the edge of the canal wall and dangle my feet in the cool water. I would listen to the birds twittering in the trees above me, and no one would be demanding my time for things that really have no bearing on my life. Such is life that I am stuck here in an artificially lit office. The best I could do was to escape to a toilet cubicle to take a moment to compose myself after a phone call from a particularly irate client.

During a staff meeting yesterday I asked that when people go in and out of the office they close the door since I am not always sitting in front to watch my personal belongings or to greet clients coming in. If I'm doing something in the back of the office and someone leaves the front door open, clients tend to walk straight into the back office which is strictly for staff. Invariably everyone will turn to stare at me as if it's my fault. Meanwhile I had closed the door before going to the back, but someone had left the office without closing it behind them. This pisses me off because anybody could walk in and rummage through my handbag before anyone realises.

The second issue is that I do a lot of running around in the back office since I'm not only a receptionist, but a secretary to three people. As if I don't do enough running around the office doing my work, people actually expect to go out for a cigarette and ring the doorbell for me to come running to let them in. It's ridiculous. I've asked countless times that people make sure the door is closed behind them and to take their keys with them when they go for a smoke or to the toilet. I always take my key to avoid having to make people get up and buzz the door for me.

Does anybody think I'm over-reacting about this? I certainly don't think so.

And you would think that people would remember to close the door and take their keys since they were spoken to yesterday evening, but no. Still I have to run to open the door. Still the door is left open. For the first couple of times that people went out, they remembered, shaking their keys in the air and giving me a corny smile, which made me feel like I was being silly and unreasonable in my request. But from then on we were back to square one. It's a frustrating, never ending cycle, I tell you.

Anyway, I have been thinking again about what it is that I would really like to do with my life. Even though I have no idea, I'm starting to think that this is not it.

P.S: Since the two questions in the last post are relevant to this one, I'd be grateful if you would give your view on them.

Two Things Amongst all the Babble

I am standing in the office kitchen boiling the kettle for coffee and heating up my lunch when the New Girl comes in, mug in hand.

“So, how are things in the Litigation Department?” she asks, casually stealing the teaspoon I had just washed and put in my mug without me noticing.

“Well, it’s getting busier these days. A little bored when the New Year started and there wasn’t much to do.” I reply, giving just enough of a response so as not to appear rude.

“So would you say that when it comes to Litigation you’re - what’s the word…independent?” She asks, spooning coffee granules into her mug.

“So-so. Pretty much”. I'm getting bored of "work-talk". I couldn’t really care much less.

“I think you should start thinking about moving on to a bigger firm soon, don’t you think?”

“Well, I don’t really –“ I begin, but she cuts me off.

“Oh, not now, of course! But eventually. I mean, you've been here for about two years now, right?”

“Right. But I’m not so much bothered working for a small firm. If I moved it would probably be because of medical aid”. Because it is all about medical aid with me right now.

“My old company had medical aid, so I’m quite pissed off that I don’t have it now. Oh well, I’m here for the work experience anyway.” She says breezily.

The kettle has boiled and she's pouring the steaming water into her mug and stirring. I suddenly remember that I was about to make myself some coffee before she arrived, but when I reach out to grab my spoon, I see that it has in fact disappeared. I look at New Girl and it all clicks into place.

“Did you just steal my teaspoon?” I ask, a little shocked.

It always surprises me when people do things like that, whether they are aware of it or not. It just astounds me that some people walk around in a kind of daze without considering the other people around them.

I know it’s just a teaspoon, but it’s the principle of it all. In this case it was someone taking a teaspoon that I had freshly washed and dried and was about to use.

In other cases it might be someone striding up to the fax machine and tapping out the number when you have just finished shuffling your papers to pop yours in.

It could be someone who takes the last muffin or cupcake when they could see that you had just placed a saucer out for said muffin or cupcake to be enjoyed with a cup of hot coffee that had just been made.

“No! I don’t think so!” New Girl exclaims, looking around her in confusion.

"Yes you did. I'd just washed it".

"Oh, I didn’t realise".

No apology. No attempt to wash another teaspoon to replace the one she'd taken.

Instead, she starts talking once again about work and everything she says is infused with what I start to see as her need to show just how driven she is to get somewhere, and how deeply entrenched she is in her chosen profession.

It annoys me.

Is it wrong that I couldn't really care less about discussing my job and moving up the career ladder? I feel like I should care, that I should be more driven, but I just don’t as much as I used to, or as much as I thought I would.

I understand that she probably is as passionate about her job as she seems, and who knows, maybe she doesn’t know what else to talk to me about. Maybe I'm boring and have this great big wall up around me that she is trying bravely to scale for the sake of small talk between colleagues.

I've wondered about that wall sometimes. Sometimes I can feel it towering high up around me. Invisible, yet frustratingly impenetrable, largely due to my stupid inhibitions. Other times in certain social situations I can feel myself building it up brick by brick, blocking myself off from the friendly advances of others.

Often I catch myself walking around with a frown on my face and wonder what people must think. Is my frown another defence mechanism? As you can tell, I worry about my approachability at times. I like to think of myself as open and easy to talk to, but sometimes I feel that my body language is saying something else entirely.

But it's not always like that, mind you. In fact this past Sunday one of Boyfriend's aunts commented something to the effect that I used to be the shy one and have now come out of my shell quite a lot in the (almost) four years that I've known them. It was nice to hear that because I know it's true. It's frustratingly true that the way I come across to people, largely depends on the company I'm in. With Boyfriends' family, immediate and extended, it has taken me about three years to relax, be myself, and actually feel comfortable around them. It's a hell of a long time. And that, dear readers, is why it's so difficult for me to make friends.

I'm almost certain that people can sense this wall around me which may possibly appear to be a somewhat offish "I'm doing just fine by myself" attitude, but in fact is just protecting my naturally shy, slightly self-doubting self from the world. But if that is in fact true, what am I actually hiding? I feel there really isn't much that I would be ashamed of or worried of being discovered about me.

Even though I have been through some incredibly tough periods of depression, and in fact continue to have these episodes now and then, I do not believe that the depression I feel at times is due to me believing that I am a person who is unworthy of being loved or enjoying a friendship. When I have felt down in the dumps, it usually doesn't have much to do with myself and the ways in which I feel that I might have failed myself or those who know me - the whole "I'm not good enough" vibe. It's usually for an unknown reason (the most frustrating of all to myself and especially Boyfriend), or a general lack of motivation for everyday tasks and the endless days of these everyday tasks which entails the rest of my life stretching out ahead of me.

I guess that what I'm trying to say here is that even though depression is a very isolating condition, I don't think that I can blame it entirely for the fact that I don't have many friends, and that it appears to be hard for me to make any new ones.

It takes quite a while for me to openly, and face to face, refer to a particular person as my friend. Am I being too guarded in this friendship thing?

IN SUMMATION, (because I am known to ramble on and on while switching from one topic to the next and back again), I am pondering the following two points:

• Is the fact that I don't seem to have any real kind of career goal or need to get anywhere in my career something I should spend more time thinking and possibly worrying about? Shouldn't I feel something? Or am I just one of those people who goes to work, gets the work done, and generally just gets on with life. Somehow I feel that my career doesn't define me the way it would someone who works hard at something they love. Someone who's career is a huge part of their life.

• Am I making this whole friend making process into a bigger and harder thing than it really is? Because I don't ever really seem to get anywhere with it.

That is all.

Lunch hour (and a half)

So G phoned me yesterday morning saying that he'd be in the area yesterday afternoon and he thought it would be cool to catch up. We arranged that he'd come around to my work at 1pm, when my lunch hour started.

Of course he managed to catch me on the worst day possible. Can you believe that I was wearing the exact same shirt that I was wearing the day I almost saw D on the train. The worst shirt I have. The one I wear when there is nothing else. When its laundry time. Get the picture. I had a spot on my chin. I felt ugly. I considered taking a rain check for later in the week, but decided it was silly. What did I care what I looked like. It was only G.

Anyway, I had fun. And believe it or not, not much was really said about our relationship all those years ago. It was mostly about the present.

And it turned out alright actually, even though I was wishing every 30 seconds that I was wearing something else. We went to a health food place where he had some kind of smoothie (green) and I had apple juice. I got back to work a quite a bit late, but oh well. It was worth it, doing something different, seeing and chatting to someone different.

I havent told boyfriend yet, and neither has he told his girlfriend because of the likely reactions, but its just for the meantime. Im sure I will tell boyfriend in due course.

Gee, I must sound so secretive and underhanded these days. Its awful. But I am happy doing what I want to do and making my own decisions for a change.

Its about time.

Wherein I sense disapproval in the air

Well, I am supposed to be writing a post about Christmas spirit, or more accurately the lack thereof in my office. But even though the ideas sparking off in my brain are plentiful, my ability to put those ideas into words that actually string together in a smooth and meaningful way is sadly lacking today.

So while I am here, having temporarily given up on the Christmas post, I thought I would write about something else on my mind right now.

You see, the thing is that I get the slight, but distinct impression that Im being disapproved of. Just the slightest of feelings, mind you. Its a feeling that has crept over me just over the last 15 or so minutes. A feeling that has come about due to various incidents of the ex-boyfriend / guy-friend / dancing with guys other than your boyfriend variety.

Of course you must know about the incident about D, where I was met with a massive amount of disapproval from boyfriend to the extent that I was ignored for a whole night and day following the incident.

Another bout of disapproval was bestowed upon me yesterday evening when I had just finished a short telephone call from my very first boyfriend's dad, who had returned my call asking for his sons cell number so that I could wish him for his birthday today. Bear in mind that the relationship with this very first boyfriend began when I was 13. For years after our break-up we kept in contact and found that we were pretty cool as friends. We lost touch for a bit and then regained contact numerous times until one year I found that I no longer had his cell number saved on my cell. Very mysterious, but then again it could very well have been that the number had been on my cell phone that had been stolen in the early days of my current relationship.

Anyway, as soon as I ended the call boyfriend asked who it was and what number I had taken down. This in itself is not a problem. He wasnt necessarily being paranoid or jealous or anything like that since I ask him similar questions when he gets calls. I breezily answered that it was G's dad, and that he'd given me G's cell number so I could sms him for his birthday. Well, do I even need to say that he had a reaction to my answer? He stated that he doesnt like me making contact with "all these guys". All these guys? All of two, he means? Ya...so anyway, he wasnt too pleased about that, and the rest of the evening was spent more or less in stony silence, besides the ocassional noncommittal grunt when I asked him something. His disapproval was written clearly on his face. In large print no less.

But anyway, I found myself not caring much, and I continued on my merry way, making supper and all. Sure, I was irritated by his reaction because hell, Im sick of guys getting pissed off with me having any kind of association with other guys. Whats wrong with having guy friends? Sure, G is an ex-boyfriend, albeit one from what feels like a lifetime ago, and D is someone I know I have some residual feelings for, but what exactly am I going to do? And to be completely honest here, there really is NO romantic feelings for G lurking around in my being. Nothing. I think we both realised that a long time ago.

Soon after my birthday sms went through he called me. Oh, boyfriend is going to love this, isnt he? We had a good old chat and reminisced about things from those days, although nothing about our actual relationship, but rather about people we knew and things that happened at the time in our respective families. It was really great actually.

And oh, update on D. He apparently hooked up with a girl who is the room-mate of the couple he was visiting in Hong Kong. You all know the dynamics of a couple and two single people hanging out together. Well, you would probably think that I would be sad or upset in some small way, and in fact you would be wrong in that my first reaction was "Ha! I so knew that had or would happen!", and then I walked around with a smile on my face, feeling pleased at the correctness of my female intuition. So revelation! I like him, but everything is safe. I didnt go psycho and start hating the girl. I havent started sulking and withdrawing my email contact with him. I didnt get all teary. I didnt think terrible things about him or her. Im okay. So finally, is this the friend stage?

Of course I am curious about this girl, and indeed I have even asked D some questions because, well, I am kind of emailing him again. Because, did I mention I am getting pissed off at guys getting jealous and feeling all insecure? So anyway, its a fling thing since she lives in Hong Kong and all.

So anyway, back to all this disapproval hanging over my head in stormlike proportions. I feel it even when talking to one of my friends about these two guys. In the beginning it felt fine to mention them a bit, but now I feel that maybe there may be a hint of disapproval in that I know that certain things which I think is okay to do are things which other people dont think are okay to do. A lot of couples have strict rules about forming friendships with former lovers or whatever they may have been. Well, me, I think its fine if the friendship is completely platonic. I know for a fact, deep down that there are no feelings for G. That part is so over. But he's a great guy, who is really fun to talk to. Of course with D, and there possibly being residual feelings, it probably wouldnt be wise to strike up a friendship in the sense of meeting up etc for fear of stirring up those emotions. As things are going now, well, it seems that we can really be friends afterall, albeit limited to email contact for the meantime.

Am I getting anywhere here? I feel like Im talking in circles or something.

So, the point is that even now when I chat to a friend about these guys it sort of feels that my side isnt fully being appreciated because what I am saying is not being related to. Same as when I talk about running, because I kind of do that a lot lately because I cant help but feel passionate about something that makes me feel so good. Its like talking to someone who isnt really interested because they cant relate or share a particular kind of experience with you.

And another thing of which I think people may disapprove of is that when I go out I like to dance. I love to dance. Because boyfriend doesnt dance, I dance with other people. I dance with my friends, and then I might dance with a guy. I of course tell this guy that I have a boyfriend and that all Im interested in is dancing with them. Maybe not in such a harsh and direct way, but they get the message. If a guy doesnt listen, well I stop dancing. But believe it or not there are some guys out there who arent just trying to get into a girls pants. Is that wrong? I have a feeling that possibly many will disapprove. Because I know this, is it true that I am correct in this assumption?

Ha Ha, but you know, I think it all comes down to the boundaries that are part of my belief system. (And by belief system I dont necessarily mean religion). And it is obvious that not everyone is going to have the same belief sytem by which they live their lives.

This is a time when I wish I had that "dont care what other people think of me" attitude. Because really, even though Im not doing anything wrong, and even though some people may think that I am, there are a hell of a lot of other people out there who do, and are willing to do far, far worse.

So take that all you disapprovers! Ha!

We can all learn a thing or two

Wow, apparently Im neurotic in a big way, scoring a whopping 75% in this personality test. Its surprisingly accurate on a lot of points though, which is not what I expected. So come on, give it a go.

Below is a summary of my personality profile. You can also see my extended report if you'd like, by clicking here: View Full Report


My Personality

Neuroticism	75
Extraversion	29
Openness To Experience	66
Agreeableness	44
Conscientiousness	26

Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report Find your soulmate / pysch twin<

Happy Birthday to Me! A whole 23 years old!

*1 Well, I feel a teensy weensy bit better today, except for the raging headache I woke up with. In fact my very first words this morning were, "Ive got SUCH a bad headache!"

But I diligently went for my run this morning, which strangely enough calmed the painful throbbing in my head just long enough until the "high" that one gets after doing physical exercise, started to fade away. Great. Headache tablets have not made any improvements on my discomfort, and I am seriously considering swallowing a whole handful in the hopes of numbing my aching brain into submission. Just kidding. Dont start worrying. Im not THAT miserable!

My boss seems to think that Im not happy enough on my birthday, so he bought me a stunning boquet of flowers. Im so impressed. I havent seen him buy flowers for anyone here at the office. I must look absolutely down in the dumps.

D remembered my birthday and sent me an email. I cant help but notice that it is short and to the point.

My mom sent me one of the most emotional emails I have ever received. I actually cried when I read it, although silently, and I had to wipe the tears away before anyone noticed. Apparently she cried as she wrote it. It was just absolutely beautiful. Ive posted it below.

Despite my miserable mood and not feeling up to taking birthday phonecalls and sms', it wasnt so bad. If anything, the fact that all these friends and family have all thought about me at least once today made me feel slightly better and a little more loved.

But oh my gosh, I cannot believe that I am 23 already. "!!!!!!" I see my age on my profile has dutifully ticked over.

Here's to another year gone by!

Mum's email:

Dearest [Leigh*2],

This time, 23 years ago, at 13h30, I met you for the first time. I carried you for 9 months, acting as the wrapping on a very precious gift, protecting you, and getting to know you. During that time we had the closest relationship possible. No two people can be closer than a mother carrying her child…

Then you took centre stage! I feel privileged to have you as my daughter, and am proud standing in the wings, watching your life unfolding. You are beautiful, clever, funny and loving -all in the right measure.

[Leigh], life is a one-time opportunity. Embrace it with enthusiasm, and live it to the full. I want to share every triumph with you, and bear you up when things get you down, but the living of it is entirely up to you.

And so today you start on a new year of your own. Remember you are a precious gift. To me, your father, and everyone else who loves you.
Have a wonderful day!
All my love,
Mommy xxXXxx

*1 = My little indulgence. Too iffy about whether or not to use a picture of myself on my profile, so here I am at work, just because its my birthday!

*2 = Of course Leigh is not my real name, kind of. Its my second name as I prefer not to use my first name on my profile.

BLAH! - update on previous post

I feel miserable. Absolutely miserable. Its like I have been walking along the narrow path of happiness and confidence in myself, but grew a little too confident and walked right off of it and into the thorny bushes alongside, where the branches are twisted, tangled and knotted in their confusion and hopelessness. I am just as tangled and confused as they are. Restricted and held back.

All of a sudden I dont feel so carefree and easygoing as I have been for these past months. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel so low and hopeless. It shows how easily one can forget about their lows, no matter how many there were, once they are feeling perfectly fine and content. It just makes feeling this way all the worse for having known what it is like without it.

I know that some part of this is because Boyfriend is stopping me from emailing D. Besides the feeling I might still have for him from almost four years ago, Im really more sad about the fact that he was someone I could talk to about things that I know Boyfriend isnt really interested about. We have things in common, and I really enjoyed being able to chat to someone like-minded. Its different with a Boyfriend sometimes. I mean, I can chat to him about basically anything, but often certain subjects get boring or overtalked and its not the same. So I am really sad about losing contact with someone who I consider a good friend. I cant guarantee that I wont email him again, or that he wont email me again. I mean, my birthday is coming up (this Thursday), so we'll see a) if he remembers it, and b) if he'll write to me, knowing that Boyfriend wants us to stop.

This, on top of other things, is making me feel alone, miserable, tearful. I wish this would end.

I did something stupid

I've been neglecting my blog for a bit for various reasons. Ive been pre-occupied with the 10km run / walk race Ive entered, which is on Sunday, and whether or not I should register for an Adventure Boot Camp thing that is a month long and will be taking place from 15 January 2006. I have finally decided to register.

Another major issue is that Boyfriend found out that D and I email each other. It was really stupid. Boyfriend's parents are away for the week and we popped in to check for post and do a load of washing. I thought Id check my email to see if there were any comments on my blog. There were'nt. But there was some junk mail that I wanted to delete. Boyfriend sneaked up behind me and pointed at the screen demanding why there was an email from D. I hurriedly closed the screen, a sudden heat rising steadily to my face. It didnt even occur to me that he might sneak up to me (why would he do that?), and it didnt even occur to me that there would be an email from D there. I was just thinking about blog comments. How stupid can I be? So he now knows. And he is very upset because even when he's asked me in the past, Ive said that we dont keep in contact. Its understandable that he's upset. Of course.

But these emails are strictly friendly. We dont speak about feelings or ever try to meet up. The only time we could have met up was on the train before he went overseas, but since we never discussed what carriage he'd be in, it was pretty much up to fate.

Ive emailed D to tell him that Boyfriend knows and that he isnt happy at all, and wants us to stop. He doesnt want to stop of course, because he enjoys it and we have lots in common, but he says that its entirely up to me, and that he has no intention of damaging a relationship. Do I carry on, or do I stop?

I really feel quite miserable about all this. Besides that, I feel restricted. I hate being forced to do or not do something. It just isnt me. So, I am entirely pre-occupied with being miserable right now.

I never knew it would come to this.