I feel miserable. Absolutely miserable. Its like I have been walking along the narrow path of happiness and confidence in myself, but grew a little too confident and walked right off of it and into the thorny bushes alongside, where the branches are twisted, tangled and knotted in their confusion and hopelessness. I am just as tangled and confused as they are. Restricted and held back.
All of a sudden I dont feel so carefree and easygoing as I have been for these past months. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel so low and hopeless. It shows how easily one can forget about their lows, no matter how many there were, once they are feeling perfectly fine and content. It just makes feeling this way all the worse for having known what it is like without it.
I know that some part of this is because Boyfriend is stopping me from emailing D. Besides the feeling I might still have for him from almost four years ago, Im really more sad about the fact that he was someone I could talk to about things that I know Boyfriend isnt really interested about. We have things in common, and I really enjoyed being able to chat to someone like-minded. Its different with a Boyfriend sometimes. I mean, I can chat to him about basically anything, but often certain subjects get boring or overtalked and its not the same. So I am really sad about losing contact with someone who I consider a good friend. I cant guarantee that I wont email him again, or that he wont email me again. I mean, my birthday is coming up (this Thursday), so we'll see a) if he remembers it, and b) if he'll write to me, knowing that Boyfriend wants us to stop.
This, on top of other things, is making me feel alone, miserable, tearful. I wish this would end.
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