How I stuck my foot in it!

In typical Sagittarian fashion, I managed to embarass my boyfriend in front of his relatively new colleagues and his boss to boot. Not embarass in the sense that I made him feel any less intelligent or that I poked fun at his new haircut or something he said. No, it was far, far worse than that. Im still kicking myself over this, however, due to the opinions of two of my friends as well as that of my mother on the seriousness of my blunder, I've allowed myself to have a little laugh about it on those occassions when I'm feeling lighthearted and have grown tired of beating myself up about it.

Boyfriend and I had been invited to the housewarming party of one of his colleagues about two weeks ago. We'd known about this party for about two weeks in advance and to be honest, I wasnt sure I even wanted to go as I wouldnt know anyone there. But since Ive been trying to make an effort to be more sociable these days, I said Id go. Ill tell you though, that what really made up my mind about going was a closer look at the invitation. The girlfriend of Boyfriend's colleage had created the cutest invitations by drawing cartoon characters of herself and her boyfriend, with their two daschunds . The fact that they have two of those pooches was what did it for me. They are my absolute favourite breed of dog, and before I go out and get myself a puppy Ive been dying to spend some time with some to get an idea of their personalities, so it was a perfect opportunity to do so at the party. I joked around with Boyfriend that I had visions of myself spending pretty much the entire evening with these little dogs, but promised him that I wouldnt be completely unsociable.

As we arrived at the house, another car pulled up and Boyfriend reversed a bit so that he could ask the other driver where we were supposed to park. As we were parking outside the complex Boyfriend said, "Thats Peter, my Sales Manager".

On entering the house I decided that I wanted to show Boyfriend that I was more confident than he would expect me to be, so I took the initiative and walked up to everyone standing in a circle outside and introduced myself and shook their hands. I was doing pretty well, and even got involved in a conversation with them.

After some time I went inside and made conversation with the hostess. She was really nice, and we started talking about her two black and tan miniature pedigree daschunds. The female is pregnant and is due in two weeks time, so I was all broody over the little dogs and thinking about the puppies to be.

Anyway, the point is that I think I was making a pretty good impression and not coming across as shy and reserved as I usually am with people I dont know.

When I went back outside I saw that Boyfriend was chatting to a colleague of his whom he'd pointed out as someone he wanted to introduce to me. I went over and Boyfriend introduced me to him and his girlfriend. His name was Kurt. Peter was also standing there in the little conversation circle. I stood there for a bit and listened to the conversation, which was about Kurt and why he's chosen to go into the motor trade.

I then remembered Boyfriend telling me about Kurt and how he's worked in the tile industry for just over a year, but that he's very interested in cars, and has decided he's going to leave the tile company (where Boyfriend works) to work for a car sales place. He was talking about how he's been walking around handing out his CVs to all the car shops all over the place.

Anyway, Kurt was saying that he thinks its time to try something different after over a year in the tile industry, but that he values what he's learnt at the company.

Now, bear in mind that there were loads of people from Boyfriend's work at that party. Loads. I kick myself every time I play this over and over in my head.

I remember standing there waiting for a little break in the conversation so that I could say something. In my mind I thought I was contributing to the conversation. I thought Kurt would appreciate the question and that his answer would be valuable for Boyfriend since he loves the motor industry too.

Anyway, so when the perfect gap presented itself, I spoke up and said something to this effect:

"So Kurt, [Boyfriend] and I were actually talking about this the other day. How did you manage to work for over a year in the tile industry if you love cars so much? I mean, [Boyfriend] is passionate about cars, and tiles arent really his kind of thing, so why did you stay so long before deciding to get into the motor industry if you love cars just as much?"

There was this sort of stunned silence while people eyeballed each other nervously, wondering if they had indeed heard me correctly. I was mortified.

Only towards the end of what I was saying did I realise the terrible blunder that I'd just made, and noticed the look on Kurt and his girlfriends' face. I couldnt even look to my right where Peter was standing. Somehow "Sales Manager" didnt correspont to the word "Boss" in my head at the time of saying what I did, and it only clicked into place when it was far too late to stop. Even if he wasnt Boyfreind's boss, it still wasnt a wise thing to say in an environment where 75 to 80% of the people at the party work with Boyfriend, or are friends of people who work there.

I remember blushing furiously. Kurt made a good recovery by saying that sales is sales, no matter what industry you're in, and he'd learnt a hell of a lot at the tile company and would use that experience in any other sales jobs he might have, etc.

I tried desperately not to meet Boyfriend's panicked eyes, but when he managed successfully to jab me with his elbow, I quickly looked up into his eyes and gave him an "I KNOW!!" look with mine.

At that moment I very much wished I could leave right there and then and go home, but there I was, blushing furiously and trying desperately to avoid anyone's disbelieving gaze. I felt miserable.

After a moment of awkwardness while I tried to think of a reason to leave the little group, I was presented with one when I realised my drink was finished. I asked Boyfriend if he wanted another drink (even though his beer was still pretty full). He refused of course, and then thre I was, off in the blink of an eye. I was gone for a long, long time. I spent a lot of the night in the house with the dogs and chatting to the hostess. Eventually later on I spoke to Peter. Not about what had had heard that I work for a firm of attorneys and asking what the name of the firm was, etc.

I did try to make amends by mentioning that Boyfriend is really quite interested in buying properties, doing them up (bringing the whole tile and other decor stuff into it), and then selling them or renting them out for more than he would have charged without it being renovated.

I think I did okay in terms of convincing Peter that Boyfriend isnt just passionate about cars, but is also interested and believes in the products he's selling. I also hoped he found me interesting and friendly and a nice person, so that his good opinion of me might help him forget the huge blunder Id made earlier that night, and also so that he might not take my mistake out on Boyfriend. I was hoping he would realise that what I think and say (even if I didnt mean to say it) is not necessary what Boyfriend thinks, or how he feels.

I honestly kick myself so hard and so often when I think about it. I felt like crying on the way home. How could I be so stupid!!?! I could have ruined Boyfriend's career, now that he finally has a job after being out of one for 2 months. Even now we dont know what consequences my stupid remark has made on where he stands with his boss.

Apparently the next day Kurt said to Boyfriend, "I cant believe [your Girlfriend] actually said that. And with Peter right there!"

Boyfriend also told me that he felt extremely awkward at work the following Monday morning, imaging that everyone must think he's a fraud, pretending to be all interested in what he's doing just so he could get the job.

I've since relayed the story to two friends of mine who think its funny and that I shouldnt beat myself up about it. My mother feels the same, although she had a huge laugh about it, her being a Sagittarian herself.

I must admit though, that laughing about it did help me feel a hell of a lot better about it. I guess I just have to accept that its just part of my nature and all. ;)

Drained

I feel incredibly blue today. On top of this I feel hugely tired and worn out, which Im sure is a consequence of my mood.

I have tried to put my foot down and I have tried to wait it out. I have tried to keep the peace to keep the household running smoothly, but now I think Im done trying to do anything. I feel completely walked over and taken advantage of.

I cannot take anymore of the tension and the constant bitching about everything and everyone.

Why wont anyone take us seriously when we try to speak out about our unhappiness with the situation? And why is everyone else allowed to say enough is enough, but when we do the same nothing changes?

Im tired of being the middleman for each and every issue that crops up.

Im so, so tired of all this. Physically and emotionally.

I wont even try to explain just yet.

I cant get myself all worked up here in the office.

What am I really like?

It hit me when I was sitting on the train on my way home from work one day. I had been staring thoughtlessly at the ground when a tiny gem of a thought had flittered in from nowhere and sparked off a self-realisation that was hard to put down.

There is a point in any situation where you are able to make the ultimate decision over what your reaction or response is going to be when presented with any given information or a developing situation. Its the briefest moment of chance where the situation can go either way, and you have the power to determine what the general outcome of that situation will be.

In that moment on the train, with the carriage gently rocking me deeper into my reverie, and the late afternoon sun streaming into the windows causing those opposite me to squint their eyes from the glare, I finally understood myself just a little bit more than I had done before.

It occured to me that the majority of the time where I'm afforded the opportunity in choosing how it is that Im going to react, I fail to make the correct choice, even though I have recognised that window of opportunity. There have been countless times where I could have put a good spin on a bad situation. Where I could have stopped myself from reacting negatively, thereby not allowing the situation to grow worse.

For example, the one day I was on the train when I got a phonecall from my Boyfriend saying that I would have to walk home from the station, but that he would meet me half way, as my brother, not having his own transport at the moment, had taken the car out, and had mistakenly taken the bike keys along with him.

For that very brief moment I could have made a choice based on the fact that there was nothing to be done that could change the situation. I could have said to myself that sure, even though it was an inconvenience it wasnt very far to walk, and maybe I would find the walk to be enjoyable. But of course I chose to be upset by those circumstances beyond my control. I expressed irritableness and remained grumpy for a large part of the walk home, whereas I could so easily have decided to make light of it and just deal with the situation without getting all upset about it.

My point here is that its as if I neither felt upset or okay about it. It was as if I was in a limbo where I was still deciding on how it was that I was going to feel about having to walk home instead of being picked up from the station. Usually it doesnt really matter to me how Im going to react, but of course my reactions have consequences when it comes to how someone else responds to my reactions. Its almost as if Im pushing the boundaries. Trying to see how much I can get away with.

A lot of the time I dont even feel all that upset about whatever situation has arisen, yet I choose to express irritation, which more often than not creates an even worse situation, with Boyfriend or whoever concerned, getting upset with me for the way in which I'm reacting. Making that decision to be upset rather than letting the issue go actually results in me starting to feel real irritation and anger at whatever has happened. So in effect I have the chance to create my mood, and nine times out of ten - and as strange as this may sound, I choose to create a bad mood by responding with a bad attitude to the situation that has presented itself.

Sometimes I think I do it because its the way in which I feel I should react. As if its the accepted and expected response to a particular situation. Yes, one would expect that I would be upset about having to walk home from the train station after work instead of being picked up as I usually am, but do I really have to act accordingly? Surely all I need do is express that I am upset about it, but adopt the attitude that nothing can be done about it but to just walk home and make the best of it?

Its a very strange concept, and Im not sure if anyone else has experienced this and come to notice it in their personality.

All of this lead me to ask myself: "What am I really like, since Im often expressing feelings that I didnt really even feel in the first place?".

Overload

I've been away from the blogging world for a long time. A very long time. I don't know why that is, but for many years I have felt as if my creative juices and love of writing has been diminishing, and now I somehow feel that it has dried up completely.

I know that even after this post I will probably be away for a similarly long period of time. It's not a case of not having much going on in my life right now, but a case of too much going on.

My older brother is about to go through a divorce, and has already separated from his wife, who happens to be a friend of mine since we were about 10 or 11 years old. At the moment he is fragile and needing lots of contact and support from family, especially as he is temporarily living with my father in Mossel Bay while he sorts himself out, but he is slowly, bit by bit trying to put himself back together if not for her, then for himself. I have long been meaning to write a post about him and his wife, and in fact was in the middle of mapping out their story when I got the news that she had instituted divorce proceedings and that he would have to move out by a certain date. Their story is complicated, and one which makes me feel guilty and appreciative at the same time because of the contrast between our standards of living.

At the same time, Boyfriend has lost his job due to the sub-company he was working in not being altogether successful. He loved his job, the people and the atmosphere, but his boss felt that the company was running at a loss and wanted to shut it down. He'd given the company a period of grace just to keep an eye on things, but sadly the situation hadnt improved. Thank goodness it isnt a reflection on Boyfriend as a number of people had worked in that particular position and hadn't seemed to make a difference to the amount of money and success the company was making, but sadly he was the last to have that job, and therefore the one to lose it. He was paid out three months salary and told that they would understand if he chose not to come to work to finish out the month. So, now he is now looking for a new job, and has been for the last month or so, our funds slowly depleting each day. I dont know what we are going to do if he doesnt find one soon. One of the job ads he's applied for sounds like it might be promising since he's passed through the first interview, but he just needs to wait on the more senior person to phone him to arrange a second interview. My brother has gone for an interview as a job as a Guesthouse Night Manager where he would be offered accommodation, and since he doesnt want to live there as he's already organised to live with us, he's waiting on them to let him know if they are prepared to increase the salary as he would then have a rent expense as opposed to having free accommodation with them. Im crossing my fingers for the both of them, as well as my older brother in Mossel Bay who is also applied for a number of jobs.

Just before he'd lost his job we had given our notice to our landlord, who happened to know of a student looking for a place to stay right then. She had initially turned the student down, but said that she would phone her right away to let her know that we had given our notice. Since plans were already made that my brother would be moving back down to Cape Town from Bloemfontein to live with us, and since our notice had already been given and a new tenant found, we had to continue looking for a new place. Its a pretty nerve-wracking thing looking for places to rent and meeting prospective landlords when one of you has just recently lost a job, not to mention actually filling out a lease application form or signing a lease agreement. All lease agreements are different and request different information. Our previous lease required personal and employment details of both of us, but thank goodness the lease we have recently signed only asked for the details of the person who's account would be debited with the rental amount, and thats me. We both let off a mental sigh of relief at that.

Next we had to tell my brother, so that he could make an informed decision about whether he still thought it a good idea to move in with us. We put it off and put it off until Boyfriend eventually confided in him. Of course my brother and I havent told my mom because she'll just worry about it. In fact, we havent really told anyone. So far there are only six of us who know about it, and that includes Boyfriend and I. The other three who know are Boyfriend's parents and sister, who were especially not to know about it. They found out by mistake when one of the parents phoned Boyfriend's ex-office and was told he wasnt there. When they asked to leave a message for him they were told that he wouldnt be coming back because he no longer worked there. Shock was followed by copious amounts of tears on his moms part as expected, followed by countless questions and an eventual shouting match when Boyfriend felt that she was being too pushy about applying for jobs. I hate the way he reacts to her efforts to help motivate him to stop procrastinating, but she can be a little too pushy in her need to help. Hence why we didnt want them to know.

Despite our precarious financial situation, my brother decided to go ahead with the plans to move in with us, and booked his flight down. He arrived on Wednesday last week and is now looking for a part time job so that he can go to college but still earn enough money to be able to contribute to our rent and have some spending money to his name. So its now three men in my life on the job hunt, as my older brother living in Mossel Bay is also looking for a job as he hasn't has one in almost three years, the entire time he has been married. But that is part of his story, which I will continue to work on and possibly publish here on this blog as I had intended.

This weekend we are moving into our new place. A house. Finally. I think I've had quite enough of flats and garden cottages. Finally some space! A big back garden! A decorative front garden! Being allowed to have a dog! In our free time we have been doing some frantic gardening, trying to make the place look attractive and more like a garden than say, a little bit of wilderness, and I'm proud to say that we're doing a rather good job of it. Luckily we wont have to worry about the rent being paid each month, now we just have to worry about where our food is going to come from if Boyfriend doesnt get a job soon.

So this week is going to be filled with packing and sorting if we can just find some boxes. Since the two men of my household are out of jobs at the moment I have delegated the task to them, but they seem adamant to procrastinate as much as possible as when I phoned to check on progress before lunch they were "looking for boxes", but ended up looking at bikes. When I then phoned them at 3:40 they were yet again apparently "on their way to look for some boxes".

Men.

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P.S: Happy 85th Birthday Gran! I'm looking forward to chatting to you later on this evening!

Catching a Breather

The past three days have been utterly hectic. I'm hoping that today will be different, but somehow I doubt it. I've been buried under loads of work, and I just can't seem to see a way out from under it. The muscles in my back are tensed up so that they are constantly hurting, and I've been getting those damned headaches again, although I'm almost totally convinced that it's because my eyesight isn't too great, which will be confirmed when I finally get my ass into gear and make an appointment to have them tested. I'm so not a specs kind of girl, so it'll have to be contacts if in fact it is my eyes that is causing so much pain and frustration in my life right now.

Anyway, besides there being loads of work to do, some of which is staring me in the face right now, but will have to wait until I'm done here, I am thoroughly pissed off and frustrated with the bank right now. In December last year I had an original General Power of Attorney of one of our overseas clients delivered to the branch down the road from my office after confirming with an employee of the branch in Town that she could get it delivered to her. Well, what do you know! Somewhere along the line the bank has lost it! You wouldn't expect that of a big, well known bank, especially as they are always so sticky about all that sort of thing, but hey, now its my issue and I've been getting calls from them every day as they try to figure out where they went wrong.

But I'm just getting myself all upset again, and I really shouldn't since I'm going to have to deal with it today sometime. There's plenty of time to get upset about it when I actually get to it.

Off the point now, but look what I came across!! A giant squid was caught in New Zealand. Go check out the video. It's quite amazing. (I hope it'll still be there by the time you take a look, as they have added some more videos. Just scroll down and you'll see it).

Hmmmm, Calamari the size of truck tires. Bring it on!!

But right now its back to work I go.....

Withdrawal Symptoms

I think I might have discovered the reason for all these headaches and sudden drops in energy levels halfway through the day. The main keywords being sugar and caffeine. For the past 2 weeks or so I've been marking off a little dash each time I drink a glass of water. The aim is to drink about 6 glasses per day, although the lowest I ever drop is 4, with the exception of one day where I only had 3. The reason for all of this effort is due to one of the resolutions I wrote up in January. While it's unlikely that 6 glasses of water equals 1 and a half to 2 litres, it's still a start. A side effect to having all this added liquid sloshing around in my body, is that I'm constantly running to the loo, so surely I'm drinking more than enough for now.

Before I started glugging down copious amounts of water, bringing healthy snacks and a packed lunch to work each day, I used coffee as a way to warm me up and / or to fill me up. It got to the stage where I would be drinking about 5 or 6 mugs of coffee in a day, two of which I would have at home as my morning coffee, and then another one as soon as I got home from work. Surely all that caffeine can't be good for the system. So for these past 2 weeks I've been replacing all those mugs of coffee for cool, crisp fridge water, except of course for my morning coffee, which I refuse to give up.

But during this mini-detox I'm almost certain that the headaches have been more frequent, and that my energy levels have been dropping quite drastically. For some time I was confused as to why I've been feeling like this. I mean, I exercise, I've been eating fairly healthily (aside from the occasional take away on the boyfriend's insistence), and I've been drinking what I consider to be a good amount of water each day, so why should I be feeling as tired, headachy and generally blah, if not more, than if I wasn't doing all these good things for my body? It just doesn't add up.

Yesterday on the way home I voiced an idea to my boyfriend about why I might be feeling this way. I had heard from an acquaintance at Boot Camp, (which, by the way is now over - sniff-, but more on that later), that caffeine in small doses can be quite beneficial in terms of giving a quick burst of energy and alertness, which I think is true if you aren't overdoing it. I think my tiredness and lack of energy might have something to do with the fact that I'm not drinking as much coffee as I used to. Of course I don't need to, and in fact shouldn't go back to 5 - 6 mugs of coffee a day, but possibly one coffee in the middle of the day might do me some good. Besides the caffeine effect, it could possibly be the fact that I'm not having as much sugar as I used to, considering that I had 2 heaped teaspoons of sugar with each coffee.

Another find to support my sugar theory is that today it is one of the attorneys' celebrated his birthday. You might be wondering what this has to do with sugar levels, when in actual fact the link is quite obvious really. What are birthdays if they don't mean cake? Hmm? There was lots of it too. While I recently turned down a slice of cake that was bought for the office "just because" by the Conveyancer, one look at this cake and I thought, "Oh, what the hell, eh!" I only had one slice, but it was a very rich, very dreamy chocolate cake, which I'm sure was packed with sugar galore, and voilà! I'm still sitting here at my desk as alert and alive as ever.

So it would seem that the logical solution to an energy depletion crisis would be to keep a good supply of yummy cake on hand, which does wonders to pick you up. It's great! You should all try it!! And I think I might have overdone the sugar intake a bit!!!

But seriously, I think I might have to work on a more balance diet of some kind as I would hate to see what I look like after a month of eating cake every day.

Boot Camp, as I mentioned earlier, is sadly at an end, and I am entertaining all kinds of jealous feelings when I think about the people from the Boot Camp that I attended, who have signed up for the next one starting on Monday, and the Conveyancer here who will also be attending from next week with a group of friends.

Of course I will be attending another one in the future. (Once I've paid up my dentist bill - or rather repaid my boss for lending me the money to pay my dentist, but its pretty much the same thing). But knowing that I will be taking part in another one some day doesn't stop me from being a little envious about it.

I'm almost tempted to pitch up at the Boot Camp venue in my gym gear, copying all the exercises and stretches that they do, but with a little bit of distance between myself and the legitimate Boot Campers of course, so that they can't quite complain that I shouldn't be there. Hey, its a free world, and if I want to practice what I've learnt at Boot Camp and I happen to be at the same place at the same time as a Boot Camp session is taking place, then who can blame me really. I think it could be very comical actually. I just wish I had the guts to pull a stunt like that to see what their reactions are, although I'm sure it won't come close to the time when three pale, skinny guys ran up to our class, each wearing shocking pink speedos, who proceeded to stretch and pull muscleman poses right in amongst us without a hint of a smile on their faces while being filmed by a buddy standing off to the side, but anyway, it would still be a laugh, I'm sure.

One thing I'm quite proud of in terms of Boot Camp, is that besides the certificate of completion that everyone gets, I was given one of the special certificates which were being handed out with small gifts from Boot Camp's sponsors. My special certificate was for being the fastest runner at that particular Boot Camp, which made me feel pretty good actually. And on the certificate of completion a gold star had been stuck in one of the corners with "Perfect Attendance" written on it. Such simple things really, but they made me feel proud of myself for deciding to do something for myself, and going at it alone.

And you'll never guess what my particular gift from one of the sponsors was (because they are all different).

A box of tampons and a roll on anti-persperant. Admittedly the roll on smells really good and actually works, but I just cant get myself excited over a box of tampons. Sorry.

Its that time of year again...

So it's Valentine's Day tomorrow, as well as a friend's birthday.

While I'm not really one who looks forward to Valentine's Day or even does anything to celebrate it, I thought it would be fun to do this little test that I came across on M's blog.

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium. In general, you prefer to have only one love interest. But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long! There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again. You have had a wide range of love experiences. And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

Hmmmm......interesting......