Such is my life

Today, although I should be feeling relieved that it is Friday, I'm feeling a little miserable. Maybe there is not enough work right now to keep me busy. Usually I am quite thankful for the rest periods between work loads, but those files have been sitting on my boss' desk for weeks and weeks and he has still not touched them. They aren't going to create work for themselves, that's for sure.

Besides that, my patience for answering that telephone is wearing thin. People with attitude. People with stupid questions. People who are freaking out on the phone because the Police have arrived to arrest them. It just seems to go on and on today. I really couldn't care less right now.

I also feel quite miserable because quite possibly the only real friend I have has been drifting further and further away from me and I don't know what to do to bridge the gap. This morning while we chatted on MSN Messenger I confided that I miss her company, and that I am putting my pride aside just to say that. She asked me why it was that I needed to put my pride aside to say something like that. To be honest, I don't know why pride has anything to do with it besides the fact that I feel rather pathetic saying that I miss her. That I might sound lonely and friendless without her, which in essence is true. She says she wants to chat to me later about something regarding why she thinks we don't see much of each other. I'm intrigued to know what she thinks, but worried too. Is it my new found passion for all things active? Do I test her patience by constantly talking about running, Boot Camp, blogging, and my wish to go for nice long walks in the forest? For all of these interests don't seem to be entirely, if at all shared by us.

I really just feel like walking right out of this office and taking a stroll along the canal with the sun warming my skin and the breeze in my hair. I would take my shoes off and sit on the edge of the canal wall and dangle my feet in the cool water. I would listen to the birds twittering in the trees above me, and no one would be demanding my time for things that really have no bearing on my life. Such is life that I am stuck here in an artificially lit office. The best I could do was to escape to a toilet cubicle to take a moment to compose myself after a phone call from a particularly irate client.

During a staff meeting yesterday I asked that when people go in and out of the office they close the door since I am not always sitting in front to watch my personal belongings or to greet clients coming in. If I'm doing something in the back of the office and someone leaves the front door open, clients tend to walk straight into the back office which is strictly for staff. Invariably everyone will turn to stare at me as if it's my fault. Meanwhile I had closed the door before going to the back, but someone had left the office without closing it behind them. This pisses me off because anybody could walk in and rummage through my handbag before anyone realises.

The second issue is that I do a lot of running around in the back office since I'm not only a receptionist, but a secretary to three people. As if I don't do enough running around the office doing my work, people actually expect to go out for a cigarette and ring the doorbell for me to come running to let them in. It's ridiculous. I've asked countless times that people make sure the door is closed behind them and to take their keys with them when they go for a smoke or to the toilet. I always take my key to avoid having to make people get up and buzz the door for me.

Does anybody think I'm over-reacting about this? I certainly don't think so.

And you would think that people would remember to close the door and take their keys since they were spoken to yesterday evening, but no. Still I have to run to open the door. Still the door is left open. For the first couple of times that people went out, they remembered, shaking their keys in the air and giving me a corny smile, which made me feel like I was being silly and unreasonable in my request. But from then on we were back to square one. It's a frustrating, never ending cycle, I tell you.

Anyway, I have been thinking again about what it is that I would really like to do with my life. Even though I have no idea, I'm starting to think that this is not it.

P.S: Since the two questions in the last post are relevant to this one, I'd be grateful if you would give your view on them.

Two Things Amongst all the Babble

I am standing in the office kitchen boiling the kettle for coffee and heating up my lunch when the New Girl comes in, mug in hand.

“So, how are things in the Litigation Department?” she asks, casually stealing the teaspoon I had just washed and put in my mug without me noticing.

“Well, it’s getting busier these days. A little bored when the New Year started and there wasn’t much to do.” I reply, giving just enough of a response so as not to appear rude.

“So would you say that when it comes to Litigation you’re - what’s the word…independent?” She asks, spooning coffee granules into her mug.

“So-so. Pretty much”. I'm getting bored of "work-talk". I couldn’t really care much less.

“I think you should start thinking about moving on to a bigger firm soon, don’t you think?”

“Well, I don’t really –“ I begin, but she cuts me off.

“Oh, not now, of course! But eventually. I mean, you've been here for about two years now, right?”

“Right. But I’m not so much bothered working for a small firm. If I moved it would probably be because of medical aid”. Because it is all about medical aid with me right now.

“My old company had medical aid, so I’m quite pissed off that I don’t have it now. Oh well, I’m here for the work experience anyway.” She says breezily.

The kettle has boiled and she's pouring the steaming water into her mug and stirring. I suddenly remember that I was about to make myself some coffee before she arrived, but when I reach out to grab my spoon, I see that it has in fact disappeared. I look at New Girl and it all clicks into place.

“Did you just steal my teaspoon?” I ask, a little shocked.

It always surprises me when people do things like that, whether they are aware of it or not. It just astounds me that some people walk around in a kind of daze without considering the other people around them.

I know it’s just a teaspoon, but it’s the principle of it all. In this case it was someone taking a teaspoon that I had freshly washed and dried and was about to use.

In other cases it might be someone striding up to the fax machine and tapping out the number when you have just finished shuffling your papers to pop yours in.

It could be someone who takes the last muffin or cupcake when they could see that you had just placed a saucer out for said muffin or cupcake to be enjoyed with a cup of hot coffee that had just been made.

“No! I don’t think so!” New Girl exclaims, looking around her in confusion.

"Yes you did. I'd just washed it".

"Oh, I didn’t realise".

No apology. No attempt to wash another teaspoon to replace the one she'd taken.

Instead, she starts talking once again about work and everything she says is infused with what I start to see as her need to show just how driven she is to get somewhere, and how deeply entrenched she is in her chosen profession.

It annoys me.

Is it wrong that I couldn't really care less about discussing my job and moving up the career ladder? I feel like I should care, that I should be more driven, but I just don’t as much as I used to, or as much as I thought I would.

I understand that she probably is as passionate about her job as she seems, and who knows, maybe she doesn’t know what else to talk to me about. Maybe I'm boring and have this great big wall up around me that she is trying bravely to scale for the sake of small talk between colleagues.

I've wondered about that wall sometimes. Sometimes I can feel it towering high up around me. Invisible, yet frustratingly impenetrable, largely due to my stupid inhibitions. Other times in certain social situations I can feel myself building it up brick by brick, blocking myself off from the friendly advances of others.

Often I catch myself walking around with a frown on my face and wonder what people must think. Is my frown another defence mechanism? As you can tell, I worry about my approachability at times. I like to think of myself as open and easy to talk to, but sometimes I feel that my body language is saying something else entirely.

But it's not always like that, mind you. In fact this past Sunday one of Boyfriend's aunts commented something to the effect that I used to be the shy one and have now come out of my shell quite a lot in the (almost) four years that I've known them. It was nice to hear that because I know it's true. It's frustratingly true that the way I come across to people, largely depends on the company I'm in. With Boyfriends' family, immediate and extended, it has taken me about three years to relax, be myself, and actually feel comfortable around them. It's a hell of a long time. And that, dear readers, is why it's so difficult for me to make friends.

I'm almost certain that people can sense this wall around me which may possibly appear to be a somewhat offish "I'm doing just fine by myself" attitude, but in fact is just protecting my naturally shy, slightly self-doubting self from the world. But if that is in fact true, what am I actually hiding? I feel there really isn't much that I would be ashamed of or worried of being discovered about me.

Even though I have been through some incredibly tough periods of depression, and in fact continue to have these episodes now and then, I do not believe that the depression I feel at times is due to me believing that I am a person who is unworthy of being loved or enjoying a friendship. When I have felt down in the dumps, it usually doesn't have much to do with myself and the ways in which I feel that I might have failed myself or those who know me - the whole "I'm not good enough" vibe. It's usually for an unknown reason (the most frustrating of all to myself and especially Boyfriend), or a general lack of motivation for everyday tasks and the endless days of these everyday tasks which entails the rest of my life stretching out ahead of me.

I guess that what I'm trying to say here is that even though depression is a very isolating condition, I don't think that I can blame it entirely for the fact that I don't have many friends, and that it appears to be hard for me to make any new ones.

It takes quite a while for me to openly, and face to face, refer to a particular person as my friend. Am I being too guarded in this friendship thing?

IN SUMMATION, (because I am known to ramble on and on while switching from one topic to the next and back again), I am pondering the following two points:

• Is the fact that I don't seem to have any real kind of career goal or need to get anywhere in my career something I should spend more time thinking and possibly worrying about? Shouldn't I feel something? Or am I just one of those people who goes to work, gets the work done, and generally just gets on with life. Somehow I feel that my career doesn't define me the way it would someone who works hard at something they love. Someone who's career is a huge part of their life.

• Am I making this whole friend making process into a bigger and harder thing than it really is? Because I don't ever really seem to get anywhere with it.

That is all.

This head has got to go!

Its been a while since I last wrote. In amongst all the usual things that keep me from blogging, such as my job and having Boot Camp in the evenings, I have been suffering from headaches that have come and gone for days on end, the latest having stuck with me for pretty much four days in a row, being from Wednesday until Saturday when it seemed to reach its climax.

Basically I would wake up with a slight pounding in my head, which would develop throughout the day, regardless of any amount or brand of painkillers that I gulped down. Boot Camp seemed to quell it for up to half an hour or so afterwards, but then it would return with a vengeance so that watching TV or even just being awake would be quite unbearable.

Saturday, however started off with me feeling okay. As usual I could feel the ever so slight promise of a headache when I woke up, but had no tablets at home to try to stop it in its tracks. (I've found that the earlier you can catch a headache, the better). I went off to the drop-in Boot Camp, which is an optional extra where friends and family (although only women) may attend to see what Boot Camp is all about. I find that during exercise my headaches tend to take a backseat. Either they disappear for the period of time that I'm exercising, or I just don't seem to notice them as much. According to this article, "during physical activity, your body releases certain chemicals that block pain signals to your brain". I've found that while true, it's relatively temporary in my case.

Anyway, after Boot Camp I took an hour long walk to Boyfriends office as he was expecting clients and therefore wasn't able to pick me up. Of course I didn't mind having to walk one little bit. Any chance to get a bit of exercising in and I'm happy. I had plenty of water, so I hardly think that the headache worsened due to dehydration, but by the time I had arrived I could feel that the pounding in my head had increased. Unfortunately Boyfriend still wasn't able to take me home by that time as more clients were coming in. I elected to wait in the park down the road where I could relax and cool down, as well as reminisce on the carefree days of my past here a lot of my time was spent at that particular park, being around the corner from the last house I lived in with my family before they moved to Bloemfontein.

I had about an hour and a half to spend in my own company, and quite enjoyed it actually. For as long as I can remember I have always been someone who is capable of being quite content in my own company, thinking my own thoughts and doing my own things. In my very much younger days I was always the quiet little girl in a world of her own, dreaming up stories and climbing up my favourite avocado pear tree and singing to myself. (It's true!). Putting on a cream wrap-around skirt of my mother's that flowered out when I twirled around in circles. Swinging around a lamp post in my back garden while singing songs from the musical, "Phantom of the Opera" to myself while my mother listened secretively from the washing line around the corner. Those are sweet, sweet memories. But I am digressing now, and getting caught up in the happy memories of my childhood. Its a change from the unhappy things I usually tend to remember.

During my wait in the park, my headache grew steadily stronger and stronger. Instead of enjoying myself in the peaceful surroundings I found myself closing my eyes and holding my head in my hands, willing the hands on my watch to move faster. Two young boys of about 17 or 18 years old sat smoking and playing music from a cell phone, throwing curious glances my way every once in a while. Eventually I heard the sound of footsteps crushing the sun scorched grass in front of me. I looked up to see that one of the boys was approaching me slowly and uncertainly. When he saw me look up he stopped and glanced towards his friend who remained seated in one of the swings. A look passed between them.

"Come on!" the boy who approached me seemed to be pleading with his eyes. To confirm this, his hand made a slight beckoning gesture, but his friend remained where he was.

When a substantial awkward moment had passed without his friend joining him he turned to me again.

"Um, are you okay?" he asked slowly, his face crinkled with concern.

"I'm okay, thank you. Why?" I asked a little confused.

"Well, its just that you look sad, and you've been here alone for a long time. Is something wrong?"

I smiled and replied that I wasn't sad, but that I just had a really bad headache and that I was just waiting for my boyfriend to finish work so I could go home. I saw him eyeing my clothes and quickly explained that I had just come from an exercise class and had walked to the park from there.

"Oh, so that explains the.....uh" he made a vague gesture towards my sporty clothes and running shoes.

"The clothes, that's right". I finished off.

"So....you're okay then?" he asked again.

"I'm okay, but thank you for asking".

I was pretty touched by the gesture, especially of a boy of his age and in the company of a friend. Somehow its not what I would have expected of a teenager these days.

He bid me goodbye and shortly afterwards the two of them left the park. I could almost imagine the scenarios that must have run through that poor boy's head because of what I must have looked like sitting all by myself for an hour and a half, constantly checking the time and sniffing at intervals. (My nose was bothering me at the time).

Scenario 1 could possibly have been that I had either had a fight with a boyfriend, or that I had been stood up.

Scenario 2 could possibly have been that I was feeling incredibly depressed and suicidal, as I was examining my wrists and inner arms quite a lot. For some reason I had little red itchy spots on my left wrist, which I assume must have been from doing (or attempting to do) push-ups on the grass at Boot Camp. I had also been writing words on my arms with a sharpened stick to pass the time. I'm sure it could have looked quite bad. Had I in fact been suicidal his kindness might have saved my life.

Anyway, all that aside, my headache continued to get worse. When eventually the time came when Boyfriend finished work and could go home, I was in agony. We had quite a lot of grocery shopping to do that day, so I elected to go home and have a rest while he did the shopping, the most important item on the list being "PAINKILLERS!!!".

After my nap I felt quite refreshed until I actually stood up and the blood seemed to rush in all kinds of directions in my head, bringing back the awful pounding. I gratefully gulped down some tablets and waited for the edge of the pain to be taken off, but nothing happened. Hours later I took some more. Eventually I felt it begin to loosen its hold on me, and the muscles in my jaw seemed to relax somewhat, although the pain never disappeared completely.

It seemed that my entire Saturday, save for Boot Camp and my walk to Boyfriend's office, was a complete waste of a day because really I couldn't do anything but complain and hold my head or rub my eyes to try to relieve the pain. I'm prone to headaches anyway, and my mom is the same, so I'm used to getting them, but I can't remember a time when one particular headache lasted this long. Today is relatively okay, although I did take some tablets this morning. While it isn't interfering with my work too much today, I still feel a little heavy-headed and drained from it all.

***In other news: My tooth is now sorted! I can now smile again without feeling nervous when someone is standing to my right. I do, however catch myself trying to curb a big smile into a closed mouth one before remembering that its once again okay to give a toothy grin.

My boss has paid R2 500.00 over to my dentist, which will be deducted from my salary in the amount of R500.00 each month. Unfortunately interest of 8% is going to be charged because apparently he doesn't want to do any favours and I don't want any favours either. (say what? - Isn't that why I'm asking?). Anyway, its a hell of a lot better than putting the whole amount onto credit card, so I'm not complaining at all. Of course I will be making a concerted effort to pay this amount back sooner than the five months or so that it will take with the R500.00 coming off my salary.

My dentist surprised me by knocking off a further R500.00 from his fee, which I was very touched by. His reason was that I've been a patient of his for many, many years now, and he'd like to help me as much as he can. Of course when he looks into my mouth he probably sees plenty of work to keep the money rolling in, but anyway. The scary thing is that he's right. I've noticed that there are about two teeth that are looking as if they are going the very same way as the one I've just had work on. I suppose I don't need to express how terrifying that prospect is for me. I will definitely need to look into a medical aid plan of some sort.

My Sunday was full of swimming, drinking Brutal Fruits (because my headache had finally disappeared), good food, and little children running around at a braai with the Boyfriend's extended family. At least all that made up for Saturday. Except that I am now thoroughly exhausted. So much so that I would gladly trade this evenings Boot Camp for my nice cosy bed.

That's gotta tell you something!

Teething problems

My visit to the dentist yesterday confirmed my fear. I will need to get a crown. Another one.

"A Crown (CAP) - A crown is a cemented restoration that covers or replaces the crown of a natural tooth. It reproduces the morphology (shape) and contours of the original tooth.A crown replaces the missing tooth structure so as to allow protection of the tooth to further damage, and enhances the aesthetics."

Crowns are expensive. The general quote is about R5 000.00, but because I'm not on medical aid, money is tight, and because I used to be pretty much a regular, my dentist has agreed to do it for R3 500.00. Although I'm very grateful for the reduced fee, it's still a heck of a lot of money to try to come up with since I just don't have it. Quite frankly I don’t know what to do.

So I have to come up with this R3 500.00 by Thursday next week. In my usual manner when it comes to a crisis, I have been trying hard not to think about it too much. But I know that something must be organised. Something must be done. But where do I get the money? I'm not on any medical aid. I don't have spare funds lying around somewhere. I don’t have rich parents.

Boyfriend suggested that I ask my boss for a loan, since he doesn’t provide medical aid for his staff, even when I approached him and asked if he would think about it. The answer was no. I would obviously try to pay back the loaned money as fast as possible. Hopefully the idea here is that it would be an interest free loan. But I would feel so awkward asking my boss for an extra R3 500.00 over and above my salary, even if I am paying it back. I don’t even know if asking your boss for a loan is frowned upon or not. Somehow I feel that I would be overstepping the boundary of what is and isn't acceptable in the workplace.

Since I am the kind of person who desperately needs medical aid when it comes to my teeth, Boyfriend and my Mom are suggesting that I look for employment elsewhere with a company that does offer it, along with a pension fund if possible. But medical aid is the really important one here. But I don’t really want to move to another company. Its partly because I enjoy the environment here and partly because of fear of change. I could probably make more money elsewhere, but I'm comfortable here. And I know all about the comfort zone.

I've been working here for over two years, and I do think that I should probably be earning more. When it comes to raise / increase discussions it is always an uphill battle, and nobody ever really gets close to what they think is acceptable. I'm sure that is usually the case, but to start off with, I certainly don’t think I'm getting what I'm worth, and I'm sure a lot of people here are feeling the same way.

What do you think about asking a boss for a loan? Right or Wrong? Because I don’t really have any other way.

However, there is one very last resort, and that is to put in on Boyfriend's credit card. I would rather not do that. He would especially rather not do that because loads of interest will be added to that so that we may as well not have had a discount in the first place.

Of course because I need this crown urgently as about 80% of my freaking tooth cracked and broke off, we asked my dentist to make a start on the procedure. So basically what he's done is drilled away about 15% or more of the bit of tooth that managed not to fall off, and has left a very little bit for the crown to join onto. Ive had this procedure before, so Im not nearly as scared and freaked out as I was with the first one. Not to mention that the first one was one of my front teeth.

I know you are all probably thoroughly grossed out by now, but honestly, the crown at the front has made a world of difference by helping me feel a teensy weensy bit more confident when smiling. Thankfully this second tooth is on the right hand side of my jaw. Still slightly visible if I smile widely, but not nearly as bad as a front tooth. I just have to remember not to smile too widely at anybody while they are standing on my right. Ya, I dont really see me remembering.

I still cant quite get my mind around what to do about this money. In any case my Boss is not going to be in on Monday because he's moving to a fancy house he is renting while his home gets renovated. I dont even think I'll see much of him on Tuesday either. That doesnt leave much time to discuss the matter with him if I do indeed decide to do so.

You see, this is why it is so important that I have made a resolution to make provsion for times like these. It could take the edge off a large sum like R3 500.00, if not pay for it entirely. And with this crisis, another resolution has been put on the back burner, because I am now biting my nails again with worry. And I wasnt really doing all that badly either.

Finally, some answers for the tag!

Okay, I'm finally getting around to this. Free time on the computer has been so rare lately with work being as hectic as it has for the past two days, and with me having Boot Camp after work. So without further ado...

• I have a tattoo of a bee on my lower back, for which I got the general (and I mean very general) shape from a stencil, sketching the details on afterwards. I pretty much sketched the thing just before leaving home to go to the tattoo parlour. Since I finally have a camera phone (Samsung E370), I had hoped that I could post a picture of it, but I haven't finished the installation of whatever it is that I need to install to put pictures from my phone onto the computer. Why a bee, you ask? Well, to be honest I don't really know. The only thing I can think of that is vaguely relative is that when I was small I used to pick bees up and get stung most of the time. The very last time I got stung was in my foot, which swelled up to a scarily enormous proportion.

• My father used to live in Clonmel, Ireland some years ago, where I visited him for three months from June 2003 until September 2003. Because he was having difficulty finding a job restoring and building models (preferably of the maritime variety), he used to drive buses for an old Irish man who owned a bus and undertaking business. For some reason there is a lot of that in Ireland, although I don't know how the two relate. This Irish man's undertaking business was where I saw my first dead person, already made presentable with make up and lying in the coffin.
  
  Anyway, since I was staying with my father, who didn't make much money anyway, he had to work extra shifts to have enough to support me for those three months. He would either be doing the school route, which I preferred not to go on, or he would do the long runs into the countryside, taking people to places of interest, which of course was perfect for me as a tourist. with a group of Italian exchange students I got to visit the Waterford Crystal factory, which designed and created the Times Square Millennium Ball, which was pretty awesome. Its amazing what these craftsmen can do. The pub hopping with the Americans was an awesome experience as well. Since the majority of people in the group were Americans, we visited all the traditional pubs where there was live traditional music and lots of dancing and singing. Of course with all the high spirits I was bought a drink or two at each pub and got to join in with them, although I don't remember names, or even if I was told any of their names. It really was an awesome time.

• Yes, I did have a toenail ripped off because a boy didn't want to accept that I didn't want to play kiss-catch with him. Because my mom was a nurse at the time (the daycare was on the hospital premises specifically for hospital employees' kids), she was contacted and I was rushed off to see a doctor. My toe (the little one) was numbed and stitched up. Luckily my nail has grown back, thank goodness, since my feet are the one part of my body that I'm openly vain about. (Boyfriend just cant understand it).

• Yes, people did comment on the fact that it was strange that I'd received a much larger gift for Art than for, say, the person getting an award for Mathematics, etc. When I walked into the bookshop and saw an omnibus that I thought I'd enjoy, it didn't even occur to me that it people would assume that I'd bought it on purpose because of its size. To be honest, I thought I'd enjoy the book, and I wanted to get value for the gift voucher I had received. I have a photo somewhere of myself holding the book while still in its wrapping paper, and every time I see it I feel a little embarrassed at the idea that it looks to other people that I was trying to look better and more favoured than everyone else up there on the stage with me.

• This last one is the blooper. Looking back on it, it looks pretty obvious! (I especially think so since all of you guessed correctly). But imagine that, I'm not that shallow and materialistic people! But seriously, there was a guy and he was pretty rich, however I didn't benefit in any way from it as he was quite the stingy, showy off kind of guy (what the hell was I thinking?!?). The fact that he was rich and was a bit of an asshole was what made people assume that I was with him purely for money. It sounds a terrible thing, but even some members of my family thought it possible that I might do something like that. Nice family, huh? Anyway, I liked him quite a lot at the time, and therefore was blind to his faults, which were many. And yes, he was a drummer, which I do think is pretty hot. But he's an ass.

On to other important matters. I went ten pin bowling last night and I won!! I actually won!! The first time in my life. I took my last shot without knowing it was my last chance, and got a bit upset with myself for not doing it better, so I stalked back to Boyfriend and Brother, who exclaimed that I had won. I quickly declared that in that case I wasn't so upset after all, even going so far as to actually clap my hands with glee. I had, however, only won by one point, with Brother following at my heels. But winnings winning, right? Hehe! But I've always wanted to win a game, and being my very first time, I will continue to gloat until everybody's sick of it.

Now I must get changed into my cute little pair of white shorts (what was I thinking?! Shorts?! I'm not a teeny tiny shorts kinda girl!), and an equally cute white sports top and contemplate the pain I will be feeling in 45 minutes when I am hefting those hateful weights in the air.

Oh, and did I mention that I won my very first game of ten pin bowling?

(From yesterday): Before Monday morning officially started I was quite excited

I hate when I come to work in a good mood and then circumstances work against me keeping that good mood for longer than an hour at most. Monday mornings. How I love them.

There surely cant be many things worse than working on a Shareholders Agreement. I hate them with a passion. They always seem to be covered in red and blue tracked changes, which multiply as the agreement gets emailed back and forth between the respective parties. Then there is me, making changes of my own, and trying to make the document look vaguely acceptable because somehow when other people besides me make changes on a document the formatting always gets screwed up.

This document is a thick wad of approximately 60 pages which all have to be reformatted by the time the client comes this afternoon. I shouldnt really be taking lunch, but I need this break because I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at all the deadlines that are suddenly looming.

So I am walking around with a scowl on my face instead of the bright, happy smile of this morning.

All that aside though, the reason Im feeling excited is that Adventure Boot Camp starts this evening!

While I am excited at exercising each evening with a group of women, I am also quite nervous at the fact that I will be arriving alone and friendless. I have been chomping my nails since this morning at the thought of meeting new people. But I am mostly just nervous about doing something new. It's all the obvious worries about whether I'll get there on time and whether I'll find the right entrance.

I have no doubt that I will enjoy myself, and that I will almost definitely end up with at least one person that I feel comfortable chatting to, but I really, really wish that my best, and probably only real friend had registered with me. It was something I thought we could do together.

ABC obviously appealed to me because of the programme, but also a large part due to the fact that it can feel quite lonely and solitary to make the decision to work out and take care of your body when there is no one around you who shares the same interest in it. I enjoy my solitude while running, but sometimes I wish I had someone to accompany me. Someone with whom I can share the passion and drive with.

Anyway, I am pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm doing this on my own, and I've thought about it and thought about it, and really, it can't be that difficult to relax a little and make a buddy or two, even if it is just for the duration of the programme.

Yesterday I went shopping for some more gym-type clothes, which I then modelled for Boyfriend, while he nodded and made the appropriate sounds before quickly returning his attention to the Playstation.

I got Boyfriend to measure my arms, thighs, hips and chest last night, to be filled out on a pre and post camp evaluation sheet, and then packed my new gym clothes, running shoes, water bottle, and two hand weights in my bag ready for the next morning.

I always take the stairs at work which is both healthier and faster than the elevator. I think that just about everyone in my office insists on taking the elevator even though it is incredibly slow and tends to get people stuck inside it once in a while. Initially the stairs used to leave me panting for breath, but over the past year or so that I've been taking them I got used to it. This morning, however, my thighs strained a little, and I was panting slightly when I reached the top. All that from the extra 4 kilograms I'm carrying in my gym bag! It's all good though. It's just that little bit extra exercise.

So today is the beginning of a month of exercising with other people who share the same determination to get themselves into shape and feel great. It's an exciting prospect, and I'm ready to work hard at it.

And now my lunchtime is over. Back to the grindstone and that frigging Shareholders Agreement. Hopefully it will have magically disappeared off my desk and possibly landed up in the bin? Shredded?

I can only hope.

(Answers to the Tag below will follow soon, I promise.)

UPDATE: Boot Camp was great! I was left a little surprised at how tough some of the exercises were on me, considering that I exercise every weekday morning. But then we were working muscles that dont really get used when running, so I probably shouldnt feel all that surprised.

My arms are very, very stiff. Playing around with my 2kg weights at home by doing simple arms curls was easy enough, but having to hold them with my arms out at shoulder level for a couple of minutes at Boot Camp, after having done a load of other arm exercises beforehand was tough. Very tough. But, I will get used to it in time. Hopefully.

Yay for exercise!!

P.S: Today isnt exactly going smoothly either. Hoping things will calm down at work from tomorrow onwards.

Tag along fun

I've been tagged by Rigmor!

I'm not really one for tagging, (mostly because I might just suck at it), but I'll give it a shot anyway. Because tagging can be fun if it stays well away from chain mail and cutesy email type status. (which is number one on my list of pet hates).

The idea is that I'll give you five statements about myself, four of which will be true, leaving one as false. You have to guess which one is false. Hmmm, now let me see...

• I have an insect tattoo somewhere on my body, which I designed more or less on the spur of the moment before going to get myself inked.

• I once lived in Ireland for three months and managed to see the sights by travelling around on busses and getting into places absolutely free of charge. Even going pub hopping with a large group of Americans who were in Ireland to attend a friend's wedding, none of whom I knew even the slightest.

• Once I lost a toenail when I ran into a support beam of a jungle-gym when trying to escape an over zealous boy playing kiss-catch.

• In school I won an award for Art. All those who were getting awards for various subjects were given a book voucher to buy a "gift" that would be presented along with the actual award certificate at the awards ceremony. Once we had all walked up on stage to receive our certificates and gifts, it became apparent that I had the largest gift by far, which some people commented on, saying that it must be some achievement for me to get such a big gift in comparison to everyone else.

• I once went out with a guy just because he was rich, lived in a fancy big house, and drove a nice car. Oh, and he was a musician (drummer), which is pretty hot.

So there you have it. Have a good old guess then.

Answers to follow....

I tag Ant, Toast, and Leonie.