Could I have another holiday please?

Well, Christmas was certainly different this year. It was quite an important one in that this new year holds a lot of changes for my family. Not really changes that will affect me too much (except for one), but they are changes nonetheless.

This year my step-dad will be moving to the UK where he will work as a Chartered Accountant. He's qualified as a CA already, but needs to complete whatever courses or exams are required to be able to practice in the UK. My mom will continue to live in Bloemfontein (literally meaning "flower fountain") as my step-dad doesnt want to sell the house just yet, and would like to rent it out to people once my mom moves out and joins him.

One of the big reasons my mother will be staying in Bloem is because my Gran moved up there sometime last year, and needs to have someone around to keep an eye on her every now and then. I think she's had about two or three strokes already, which have affected her speech and co-ordination. She's getting very frail and very slow, and has even started forgetting her word tenses.

Since my uncles' very unexpected death, (her son), she has been very emotional aswell, which we witnessed when she opened her Christmas presents. Her eyes welled up with tears and she had difficulty getting her words out. I was touched then. What I really wanted to do, since I was the closest person to her, was to get up and put my arm around her. But I am sometimes stiff and awkward when it comes to showing affection towards other people other than those I see on a regular basis. And I am sometimes funny when it comes to old people, finding it difficult to communicate with and be patient with them, yet at other times finding them so sweet and endearing, as well as being a wealth of interesting stories and information. So in the end I didnt jump and go to her as I imagined in my head. Sometimes I wish I could just relax and forget about silly little inhibitions...

Another pretty major reason why my mother will be staying in Bloem is that her house is home to about 13 cats and 1 dog, the last time I counted. It is impossibly difficult to comprehend what to do with so many feline friends. Splitting them up when they each have their own favourite buddy would be far too heartbreaking. And these cats are not old, mind you. I predict a long stay in Bloem before my mother is able to join my step-dad in the UK.

Reason three for my mother staying in Bloem is that she will be studying Theology this year, which she is quite excited about. Its interesting to note here that since I was a little girl my only wishes (as in make a wish on a star, or make a wish when you reach the centre of a maze) were that:

a) my parents would get together again.

With age and maturity it became obvious that this wish was futile. If anything, my parents are better off divorced and living their own lives than they ever were married.

AND

b) that my mother would let go of her anger at the church that let her down when she most needed it, and that she would find God again.

While I am not the most religious person around, I like to think that there is a God up there watching over us. Christianity in any case creates good people who are happy and optimistic and perfectly happy with their lot in life. People who arent shallow and concerned with the petty things in life. I wanted that for my mother. Over time I assumed that this wish was also futile, but look! Some wishes do come true afterall!

Anyway, my brother was supposed to be going over to the UK aswell to work for 2 years, but has now decided that he wants to move back to Cape Town. The idea here is that Boyfriend and I will look for a bigger place so that my brother can stay with us, paying rent of course. This arrangement will last for at least a year, and hopefully by that time we will be able to afford the place ourselves, and my brother will be able to find his own place. Only time will tell.

This Christmas holiday is probably the last time that we will all be able to get together in Bloemfontein, so you can see why it was such an important one. A lot of emphasis was placed on family time because of it.

I had a great time this holiday, despite some things that worked hard to stop me (and a few others) from enjoying the holiday to the full. But they say that bad things happen in threes, so hopefully this will be the end of my streak of bad luck. Sadly my mom and brother are still on Bad Thing Number 1, (if you can count my mom's one as a Bad Thing).

Anyway, things that went wrong (to me and some of those around me):


1) On the drive up to Bloemfontein I noticed that my throat was sore, which quickly went away on my arrival. Unfortunately it flared up again about 2 or 3 days later so that the second half of the Christmas holiday was spent with a tissue permanently stuck to my nose and with a head that never ceased pounding. I also succeeded in sharing my germs with boyfriend who, on more than one occassion, looked at me through glazed eyes and asked "why are you putting me through this?"

As the new year approached we began dosing ourselves with just about everything we could find in my mother's medicine cabinet. While Boyfriend seemed to perk up a bit, I remained stuffy headed and miserable.

2) On Friday afternoon I managed to stab my right foot with a dart, something that can only happen to me. Im not quite sure how that happened. There I was, happily playing darts, when one that I had thrown somehow hit the board, bounced, spun around, and then stabbed me in the foot, just below the toes. While it was sore, it was probably on par with hitting your freezing cold fingers against something. Sore, but eventually the pain goes away. I showed the wierd little hole that it had made to Boyfriend, but by the time I showed my mother it had already started bleeding. Quite a lot for such a small puncture wound. My foot was a little tender when I walked, but that was to be expected. On went a plaster and everything appeared to be fine.

Unfortunately it wasnt as clean cut as that. After sitting at the computer playing "Soldier of Fortune" for about half an hour or so, I found that my foot had swollen quite a bit so that my toes looked like those mini pork sausages. I couldnt put my weight on the foot and resorted to hobbling around the house, using tables and chairs to keep me from toppling over. The pain was excruciating.

That night we went out for supper at Ocean Basket. I managed to get my feet into some slops because I wasnt sure if my right foot would manage to sqeeze into my takkies, but even the slops were a little tight. Throughout supper I could feel a dull pain pulsing through my foot, but was afraid to take my slops off incase I wouldnt be able to put them on again. By the end of supper I really found it difficult to walk, so Boyfriend graciously offered to give me a piggy back to the car.

Thankfully the next day the swelling had gone down a little bit, and I could walk, even if at snails pace, although I still had a problem bending my toes downwards. (As in the ballerina toe-point. Why I would need to strike up the ballerina toe-point pose, I dont know). Strangely pointing my toes upwards is not so much a problem.

I was determined to go out on New Years Eve, even if I didnt have loads of drinks or dance all night, so I dosed myself heavily with headache tablets and vitamin C tablets, got all dressed up, did my hair and make-up and sqeezed my feet into my high heels. Although the swelling in my right foot had mostly gone down, my right shoe was still a teensy weensy bit tighter than the left. It turned out that high heels was not a smart move. Stones had decided to have a beach party of sorts, and had coated the dance floor with a thick layer of beach sand, (or sand from somewhere, since Bloemfontein is landlocked and therefore hasnt got any beaches). When I eventually decided to dance, the heels of my stilettoes sank effortlessly into the soft sand so that my high heels became flat shoes and I was left leaning back at an awkward angle. Not fun.

Just before we left for Stones, my brother had managed to fall (read, "get pushed") into some (thorny) bushes that line the front porch of the house. My brother, Boyfriend and my step-brother had been playing a game of darts, and had come up with some silly game where they all had to speak Afrikaans (Bloem being a very Afrikaans place afterall). If any of them forgot this rule and spoke in English, the others had the right to give him a good old shove or punch in the arm, or something to that effect. Clearly my dear old brother forgot the rule and was sent tumbling into the bushes. He cut his knee open quite badly, as well as his jeans.

Now, my brother had been hobbling around Stones in the beginning until he declared that the alcohol was beginning to numb it. He made the mistake of sitting too long and then trying to dance afterwards. It was not a good idea, and we left soon afterwards due to his knee hurting too much and to mine and Boyfriends throats beginning to burn again. (Note to self: Smoky environments are not good for sore throats that are trying to mend themselves!)

Part of our leaving early was due to the fact that Boyfriend and I had to drive home the very next day. Yep! After celebrating New Years Eve we had a few hours of sleep before embarking on an 11 or so hour drive back to Cape Town. So we left the club and made our way back home. In hindsight it was probably a good thing that I wasnt feeling 100% on Sunday night since quite often Im quite a difficult one to get off the dance floor to go home. I think that if Boyfriend and I weren't so sick, if my right foot wasnt wedged so tightly into my shoe, if there wasnt such a thick coating of sand strewn upon the dance floor, and if my brother's knee wasnt so badly injured, I might have had an awesome time and insisted on staying later. Something I definately would have regretted deeply when I had to wake up to leave for Cape Town. But there are a lot of "ifs" in that sentence.

3) On the morning of our drive back home, I was sitting at the kitchen table eating my cereal and chatting to my mom and Boyfriend when I found myself crunching away at a particularly hard bit of cereal. So hard in fact that it seemed I was eating rocks or crushed glass. Well, it turned out that the cracked tooth that I have been too afraid to get fixed had finally decided that it was as good a time as any to chip off. Quite a large chunk came loose. But you know, I was so expecting that to happen while I was in Bloem, only I thought it would happen sooner.

What came later, after I had arrived home and had a shower, was even worse. Another whole chunk came loose!! Now, if I smile too widely and turn my face just so, I kind of look like a homeless person. Its awful! So I am trying hard not to smile too much or too wide at the moment, until I can get it all fixed up. It is so embarassing. Ive got a history with my teeth, and not a very good one. They are crap. No good, and there is always something that needs work on. Dont get me wrong. I look okay, but there are quite a few fillings, and a number of operations on the troublesome ones that you wont know about on looking at me. Im very nervous about my teeth, and having someone poking around, especially taking into account the number of times Ive been hurt by a dentist, is a fear that just keeps growing and growing as I get older. Hence the fact that I left this tooth until now. Call me stupid, but Im just plain terrified. (Do I count the second chip as a fourth bad thing? I dont think so really. Id like to think its a three or nothing rule and say that both chips were all part of the same Bad Thing).

Anyway, considering my not-quite-healed right foot, my stuffy head cold (or whatever it was), and my chipped tooth, it was lucky that the drive home only took us 7 and a half hours to complete! Im not sure how thats possible, but it happened. Boyfriend found a good driving partner (also driving a BMW, and also from Cape Town), who he could drive with. Never having said a word to each other, and only with a bit of flashing of lights or handwaves to point out a speed camera, they kept pace with each other at about 160kms an hour for most of the trip.

Keeping pace with someone else meant that he was far more awake than he would normally be, and that meant that I could read or snooze a bit when I wanted instead of having to keep him company. And boy did I need those little naps! Going from such a high altitude to a lower one really played havoc with my sinuses and I ended up feeling even more stuffy headed and miserable. I think, if Im not mistaken, that Bloemfontein is about 2 kilometers higher than Cape Town. Dont hold me to that though.

My mom's Bad Thing was that when we went ten pin bowling she managed to rip her thumb nail quite badly while rolling the ball. Id say thats a pretty Bad Thing, especially since I have such trouble getting my nails to grow in the first place, so having one ripped off would very much piss me off.

Hopefully now I will be left alone to recover and begin this new year the way every new year should begin. With good cheer, optimism for the year ahead, and a fresh and renewed spirit to tackle things head on.

Right now though, having had little sleep, feeling tired, drained and very sick, its difficult to feel upbeat about the new year ahead, because really, what a start Ive had! I definately need another holiday so that I can recover from this one just passed.

Happy New Year everyone!!

It is hard work trying to stay conscious

I have finally realised why for the past two or three days I have been feeling incredibly tired. Why all I can think about is putting my head down on my desk and closing my eyes. Why, when I do close my eyes, I almost instantly start to drift off to la la land. Why its such an effort to drag myself out of my chair. I feel drained in every sense.

Initially I assumed that I was just lacking motivation and energy to work, knowing that its the last few days before work closes over the Christmas period. This assumption is possibly quite a big portion of why I feel this way as far as motivation goes. But its my energy that is sapped. Even as I write this I have taken to resting my head in my hands, or on my hands and closing my eyes.

But it seems that I must still have some energy left since it is taking so much effort to keep myself awake and lucid instead of curling up in a ball under my desk and passing out amongst bent paperclips, staples and the odd crumpled piece of paper that missed the rubbish bin. It is hard work even just sitting here and typing these words. My eyeballs skit around from one thing to another, never focusing, but merely trying to keep from closing.

So anyway, this is what I have found to be the culprit... I cannot say that I have been out partying every evening (although last night did involve two glasses of wine). My life is not so exciting that the weekend is not enough time for that kind of thing.

What I can say is that I am getting sick. Really and truly. And I can only hope that it will miraculously disappear by the time Friday rocks up because, well, spending 11 - 12 hours in a car on a long and boringly straight road while feeling like crap is not so much fun. Believe me, I've been there.

I woke up with my throat sore and tender, so that even mildly warm coffee felt like fire as it went down. My glands in my throat and neck are bulging and painful to the touch. Basically I feel like crap, crappity crap and all I can think of is how lovely it would be to curl up in bed and allow myself the relief of drifting off to sleep without that little voice in my head repeatedly urging myself to wake up and look lively because lets face it, clients wont appreciate being greeted by the sight of me slumped in my chair, mouth gaping with a runnel of saliva at the corner. It just wouldnt be pretty.

I dont know how Im going to get myself through the rest of this day, nevermind tomorrow and the next, but I can only try. Right now though, I cannot help but think "screw this whole work right up until Christmas idea! Whoever thought of it was just plain old stupid, didnt have a life, and must have been terribly lonely" etc.

Meanwhile though, Boss and family are on the beach somewhere in Hermanus, happily frolicking in waves and stretching out on the sand, soaking up the sun. He happily informed me of this when I phoned him with some work related question earlier. Isnt it nice that we are all still here keeping the place running in his absence. Delightful! Because we are all so motivated and serious about our jobs that we wouldnt dream of possibly being on the beach ourselves.

Okay, Ill stop being bitter. Its the sickness, I swear!

Lunch hour (and a half)

So G phoned me yesterday morning saying that he'd be in the area yesterday afternoon and he thought it would be cool to catch up. We arranged that he'd come around to my work at 1pm, when my lunch hour started.

Of course he managed to catch me on the worst day possible. Can you believe that I was wearing the exact same shirt that I was wearing the day I almost saw D on the train. The worst shirt I have. The one I wear when there is nothing else. When its laundry time. Get the picture. I had a spot on my chin. I felt ugly. I considered taking a rain check for later in the week, but decided it was silly. What did I care what I looked like. It was only G.

Anyway, I had fun. And believe it or not, not much was really said about our relationship all those years ago. It was mostly about the present.

And it turned out alright actually, even though I was wishing every 30 seconds that I was wearing something else. We went to a health food place where he had some kind of smoothie (green) and I had apple juice. I got back to work a quite a bit late, but oh well. It was worth it, doing something different, seeing and chatting to someone different.

I havent told boyfriend yet, and neither has he told his girlfriend because of the likely reactions, but its just for the meantime. Im sure I will tell boyfriend in due course.

Gee, I must sound so secretive and underhanded these days. Its awful. But I am happy doing what I want to do and making my own decisions for a change.

Its about time.

Wherein I sense disapproval in the air

Well, I am supposed to be writing a post about Christmas spirit, or more accurately the lack thereof in my office. But even though the ideas sparking off in my brain are plentiful, my ability to put those ideas into words that actually string together in a smooth and meaningful way is sadly lacking today.

So while I am here, having temporarily given up on the Christmas post, I thought I would write about something else on my mind right now.

You see, the thing is that I get the slight, but distinct impression that Im being disapproved of. Just the slightest of feelings, mind you. Its a feeling that has crept over me just over the last 15 or so minutes. A feeling that has come about due to various incidents of the ex-boyfriend / guy-friend / dancing with guys other than your boyfriend variety.

Of course you must know about the incident about D, where I was met with a massive amount of disapproval from boyfriend to the extent that I was ignored for a whole night and day following the incident.

Another bout of disapproval was bestowed upon me yesterday evening when I had just finished a short telephone call from my very first boyfriend's dad, who had returned my call asking for his sons cell number so that I could wish him for his birthday today. Bear in mind that the relationship with this very first boyfriend began when I was 13. For years after our break-up we kept in contact and found that we were pretty cool as friends. We lost touch for a bit and then regained contact numerous times until one year I found that I no longer had his cell number saved on my cell. Very mysterious, but then again it could very well have been that the number had been on my cell phone that had been stolen in the early days of my current relationship.

Anyway, as soon as I ended the call boyfriend asked who it was and what number I had taken down. This in itself is not a problem. He wasnt necessarily being paranoid or jealous or anything like that since I ask him similar questions when he gets calls. I breezily answered that it was G's dad, and that he'd given me G's cell number so I could sms him for his birthday. Well, do I even need to say that he had a reaction to my answer? He stated that he doesnt like me making contact with "all these guys". All these guys? All of two, he means? Ya...so anyway, he wasnt too pleased about that, and the rest of the evening was spent more or less in stony silence, besides the ocassional noncommittal grunt when I asked him something. His disapproval was written clearly on his face. In large print no less.

But anyway, I found myself not caring much, and I continued on my merry way, making supper and all. Sure, I was irritated by his reaction because hell, Im sick of guys getting pissed off with me having any kind of association with other guys. Whats wrong with having guy friends? Sure, G is an ex-boyfriend, albeit one from what feels like a lifetime ago, and D is someone I know I have some residual feelings for, but what exactly am I going to do? And to be completely honest here, there really is NO romantic feelings for G lurking around in my being. Nothing. I think we both realised that a long time ago.

Soon after my birthday sms went through he called me. Oh, boyfriend is going to love this, isnt he? We had a good old chat and reminisced about things from those days, although nothing about our actual relationship, but rather about people we knew and things that happened at the time in our respective families. It was really great actually.

And oh, update on D. He apparently hooked up with a girl who is the room-mate of the couple he was visiting in Hong Kong. You all know the dynamics of a couple and two single people hanging out together. Well, you would probably think that I would be sad or upset in some small way, and in fact you would be wrong in that my first reaction was "Ha! I so knew that had or would happen!", and then I walked around with a smile on my face, feeling pleased at the correctness of my female intuition. So revelation! I like him, but everything is safe. I didnt go psycho and start hating the girl. I havent started sulking and withdrawing my email contact with him. I didnt get all teary. I didnt think terrible things about him or her. Im okay. So finally, is this the friend stage?

Of course I am curious about this girl, and indeed I have even asked D some questions because, well, I am kind of emailing him again. Because, did I mention I am getting pissed off at guys getting jealous and feeling all insecure? So anyway, its a fling thing since she lives in Hong Kong and all.

So anyway, back to all this disapproval hanging over my head in stormlike proportions. I feel it even when talking to one of my friends about these two guys. In the beginning it felt fine to mention them a bit, but now I feel that maybe there may be a hint of disapproval in that I know that certain things which I think is okay to do are things which other people dont think are okay to do. A lot of couples have strict rules about forming friendships with former lovers or whatever they may have been. Well, me, I think its fine if the friendship is completely platonic. I know for a fact, deep down that there are no feelings for G. That part is so over. But he's a great guy, who is really fun to talk to. Of course with D, and there possibly being residual feelings, it probably wouldnt be wise to strike up a friendship in the sense of meeting up etc for fear of stirring up those emotions. As things are going now, well, it seems that we can really be friends afterall, albeit limited to email contact for the meantime.

Am I getting anywhere here? I feel like Im talking in circles or something.

So, the point is that even now when I chat to a friend about these guys it sort of feels that my side isnt fully being appreciated because what I am saying is not being related to. Same as when I talk about running, because I kind of do that a lot lately because I cant help but feel passionate about something that makes me feel so good. Its like talking to someone who isnt really interested because they cant relate or share a particular kind of experience with you.

And another thing of which I think people may disapprove of is that when I go out I like to dance. I love to dance. Because boyfriend doesnt dance, I dance with other people. I dance with my friends, and then I might dance with a guy. I of course tell this guy that I have a boyfriend and that all Im interested in is dancing with them. Maybe not in such a harsh and direct way, but they get the message. If a guy doesnt listen, well I stop dancing. But believe it or not there are some guys out there who arent just trying to get into a girls pants. Is that wrong? I have a feeling that possibly many will disapprove. Because I know this, is it true that I am correct in this assumption?

Ha Ha, but you know, I think it all comes down to the boundaries that are part of my belief system. (And by belief system I dont necessarily mean religion). And it is obvious that not everyone is going to have the same belief sytem by which they live their lives.

This is a time when I wish I had that "dont care what other people think of me" attitude. Because really, even though Im not doing anything wrong, and even though some people may think that I am, there are a hell of a lot of other people out there who do, and are willing to do far, far worse.

So take that all you disapprovers! Ha!

We can all learn a thing or two

Wow, apparently Im neurotic in a big way, scoring a whopping 75% in this personality test. Its surprisingly accurate on a lot of points though, which is not what I expected. So come on, give it a go.

Below is a summary of my personality profile. You can also see my extended report if you'd like, by clicking here: View Full Report


My Personality

Neuroticism	75
Extraversion	29
Openness To Experience	66
Agreeableness	44
Conscientiousness	26

Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report Find your soulmate / pysch twin<

Happy Birthday to Me! A whole 23 years old!

*1 Well, I feel a teensy weensy bit better today, except for the raging headache I woke up with. In fact my very first words this morning were, "Ive got SUCH a bad headache!"

But I diligently went for my run this morning, which strangely enough calmed the painful throbbing in my head just long enough until the "high" that one gets after doing physical exercise, started to fade away. Great. Headache tablets have not made any improvements on my discomfort, and I am seriously considering swallowing a whole handful in the hopes of numbing my aching brain into submission. Just kidding. Dont start worrying. Im not THAT miserable!

My boss seems to think that Im not happy enough on my birthday, so he bought me a stunning boquet of flowers. Im so impressed. I havent seen him buy flowers for anyone here at the office. I must look absolutely down in the dumps.

D remembered my birthday and sent me an email. I cant help but notice that it is short and to the point.

My mom sent me one of the most emotional emails I have ever received. I actually cried when I read it, although silently, and I had to wipe the tears away before anyone noticed. Apparently she cried as she wrote it. It was just absolutely beautiful. Ive posted it below.

Despite my miserable mood and not feeling up to taking birthday phonecalls and sms', it wasnt so bad. If anything, the fact that all these friends and family have all thought about me at least once today made me feel slightly better and a little more loved.

But oh my gosh, I cannot believe that I am 23 already. "!!!!!!" I see my age on my profile has dutifully ticked over.

Here's to another year gone by!

Mum's email:

Dearest [Leigh*2],

This time, 23 years ago, at 13h30, I met you for the first time. I carried you for 9 months, acting as the wrapping on a very precious gift, protecting you, and getting to know you. During that time we had the closest relationship possible. No two people can be closer than a mother carrying her child…

Then you took centre stage! I feel privileged to have you as my daughter, and am proud standing in the wings, watching your life unfolding. You are beautiful, clever, funny and loving -all in the right measure.

[Leigh], life is a one-time opportunity. Embrace it with enthusiasm, and live it to the full. I want to share every triumph with you, and bear you up when things get you down, but the living of it is entirely up to you.

And so today you start on a new year of your own. Remember you are a precious gift. To me, your father, and everyone else who loves you.
Have a wonderful day!
All my love,
Mommy xxXXxx

*1 = My little indulgence. Too iffy about whether or not to use a picture of myself on my profile, so here I am at work, just because its my birthday!

*2 = Of course Leigh is not my real name, kind of. Its my second name as I prefer not to use my first name on my profile.

BLAH! - update on previous post

I feel miserable. Absolutely miserable. Its like I have been walking along the narrow path of happiness and confidence in myself, but grew a little too confident and walked right off of it and into the thorny bushes alongside, where the branches are twisted, tangled and knotted in their confusion and hopelessness. I am just as tangled and confused as they are. Restricted and held back.

All of a sudden I dont feel so carefree and easygoing as I have been for these past months. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel so low and hopeless. It shows how easily one can forget about their lows, no matter how many there were, once they are feeling perfectly fine and content. It just makes feeling this way all the worse for having known what it is like without it.

I know that some part of this is because Boyfriend is stopping me from emailing D. Besides the feeling I might still have for him from almost four years ago, Im really more sad about the fact that he was someone I could talk to about things that I know Boyfriend isnt really interested about. We have things in common, and I really enjoyed being able to chat to someone like-minded. Its different with a Boyfriend sometimes. I mean, I can chat to him about basically anything, but often certain subjects get boring or overtalked and its not the same. So I am really sad about losing contact with someone who I consider a good friend. I cant guarantee that I wont email him again, or that he wont email me again. I mean, my birthday is coming up (this Thursday), so we'll see a) if he remembers it, and b) if he'll write to me, knowing that Boyfriend wants us to stop.

This, on top of other things, is making me feel alone, miserable, tearful. I wish this would end.